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Massagetherapyworks

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #30 on: August 06, 2007, 09:14:33 PM »

Did you hear about the Indian who couldn't tell heads from tails?  You should see the crazy bunch of scalps he's got.

What did the Cannibal give his wife for Valentine's Day?  A box of Farmers Fannies.

At the nursing home, all the nurses decided to go in on a hooker for their favorite patient's 90th birthday. The hooker arrived at his room and he looked up and asked "What are you here for?" She replied "I'm here for Super Sex!" He said "If it's all the same to you, I'll have the soup."
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Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #31 on: August 06, 2007, 10:36:21 PM »

This old Martian guy was sitting on the beach in Miami when a beautiful young woman approached him and asked. "Hey there old man. Want a date?" Realizing immediately that the woman must be a prostitute he responded, "Sure, but we have to do it the Martian way."

"The Martian way?" she asked. "I've heard of the Chinese way, the Russian way, the Mexican way, and others, but I don't recall ever learning about the Martian way. Tell you what old man, if you teach me this Martian way, since I might need to know it in my line of work, I'll do it for FREE."

The old man looks up, smiles and says 'THAT's the Martian way!"
« Last Edit: August 08, 2007, 12:46:24 PM by frenchfry »
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This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Lady Arbella

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #32 on: August 07, 2007, 07:38:49 PM »











I try not to make it a habit of replying to to posts just to say LOL........but those were positively hilarious.
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If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either.

Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #33 on: August 07, 2007, 09:07:19 PM »

The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.
Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.
If they want to lug it into school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."


She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'

Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."


Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."


Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
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This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Farmer.Ted

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #34 on: August 08, 2007, 12:31:08 PM »

Can you guys take your personal battle to Private messages please?
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Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #35 on: August 09, 2007, 08:45:26 AM »


>   KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS:
>
>
>   KIDS IN CHURCH
>
>   3-year-old Reese:
>   "Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
>   Harold is His name.
>   Amen."
>   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>   A little boy was overheard praying:
>   "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
>   I'm having a real good time like I am."
>   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>   After the christening of his baby brother in church,
>   Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
>   His father asked him three times what was wrong.
>   Finally, the boy replied,
>   "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
>   and I wanted to stay with you guys."
>   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>   One particular four-year-old prayed,
>   "And forgive us our trash baskets
>   as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
>   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>   A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
>   were on the way to church service,
>   "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
>   One bright little girl replied,
>   "Because people are sleeping."
>   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>   A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
>   The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
>   Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
>   "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
>   'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
>   Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
>   "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
>   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>   A father was at the beach with his children
>   when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
>   grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
>   where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
>   "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
>   "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
>   The boy thought a moment and then said,
>   "Did God throw him back down?"
>   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>   A wife invited some people to dinner.
>   At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
>   "Would you like to say the blessing?"
>   "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
>   "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
>   The daughter bowed her head and said,
>   "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

livewire

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #36 on: August 09, 2007, 09:36:07 AM »

Can you guys take your personal battle to Private messages please?

Aw, c'mon Ted.  This fight between MomEm and Frenchfry is the funniest thing on this thread.  When Mayo was told about an offensive post, he immediately apologized and removed the offensive post.  I respect that action.  It demonstrates consideration for others, which frenchfry has never done.  Frenchie's response is to argue - not very respectable on a public forum.  I have seen this behaviour in the past from the french guy, and it doesn't surprise me at all.  This 'my way or the highway' attitude is childish and selfish, and I now expect an angry response from frenchie.  Bully's don't like to be called out.

Keep up your defenses, MomEm - you're doing a good job.
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Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #37 on: August 09, 2007, 01:06:36 PM »

A man at a farm picks up a sheep and carries it inside to his kitchen, where his wife happens to be doing the dishes.

He looks at his wife and says "This is the pig I sleep with when you aren't around."

His wife says "That's not a pig, that's a sheep you idiot."

The farmer says to his wife "I wasn't talking to you!"
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

livewire

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #38 on: August 09, 2007, 04:43:29 PM »

Now THAT one was FUNNY!!!!

Thanks, Frenchfry! :D :D :D :D :D
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The Spirit of the Woods is like an old good friend.
Makes me feel warm and good inside.

TheShepherd

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #39 on: August 09, 2007, 04:49:09 PM »

There's nothing better than a good sheep joke. Mine just need a different forum to be told.
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livewire

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #40 on: August 10, 2007, 08:10:18 AM »

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.

       + Broiled Missionary: $10.00
       + Fried Explorer: $15.00
       + Grilled Republican: $100.00
       + Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politicians?'"
 
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning."
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The Spirit of the Woods is like an old good friend.
Makes me feel warm and good inside.

sue lee

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #41 on: August 10, 2007, 11:16:28 AM »

President Clinton decided to buy a puppy as a present for Hillary. He snuck the puppy under his coat into the White House and as he was walking down one of the halls he comes upon Al Gore. Clinton could not hold back his joy and shared his surprise with the Vice President.
"Look what I got for Hillary!" exclaims Clinton, holding up the puppy.
Al Gore stares for a moment, then his eyes brighten up as he says, "Nice trade, sir!"
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livewire

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #42 on: August 12, 2007, 01:50:52 PM »

Blonde and Redhead
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.

The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."

The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied,... "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again !"
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The Spirit of the Woods is like an old good friend.
Makes me feel warm and good inside.

Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #43 on: August 12, 2007, 06:47:40 PM »

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for  dinner.  I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you  this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping in stead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend  all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Semper Fi

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #44 on: August 12, 2007, 06:57:38 PM »

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for  dinner.  I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you  this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping in stead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend  all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

Funny!
Was that one for MomEm?  ;D
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