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Frenchfry

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Jokes
« on: July 02, 2007, 09:38:16 AM »

When we were younger my father told my brother this sage advice of a sort. It may be helpful to you.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.......... So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.......... So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and looking for a girl with big ‘uns.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2009, 06:54:49 PM by Frenchfry »
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Mayonnaise

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2007, 10:49:49 PM »

You know you from Monroe when…….

If you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you grew up.
If your family becomes divided during the MSU-UM game (or any sport!).
If at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry.
If you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
If you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your bike.
If you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
If you sometimes drive with the heat on, and sometimes with the A/C on...on the same day.
If you know how to play and pronounce Euchre.
If you pick out your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
If you pronounce Yargerville Rd as Yagerville Rd.
If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
If you know a Muskrat is something you can eat.
If you prefer stores that have Lay-A-Way.
If you consider going to garage sales and flea markets as family time.
If you see more relatives at the fair then you do during the holidays.
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Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2007, 06:21:18 AM »

Years ago, i was sitting in a bar, tippin back a few beers when a guy sat at the stool next to me. We got to talking. He told me he was from Canada... I looked at him and said, Canada has nothing but hockey players and hookers. He says wait a minute, my wife is from Canada......I kindly asked, what team does she play for?
« Last Edit: August 12, 2007, 10:37:11 PM by frenchfry »
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Mayonnaise

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #3 on: July 03, 2007, 08:22:25 AM »

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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the nosh

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2007, 09:58:17 AM »

good one mayo! im betting that blonde is a buckeye fan!!!  ;D
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my heart is ruled by venus...but my head by mars.

Mayonnaise

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2007, 08:19:11 PM »

On a return flight from the west, the pilot announced over the intercom…Ladies and Gentlemen, if you look out the left side window, you will be able to see the Grand Canyon.
As I continued to read my magazine, the passenger seating next to me noticed that I did not look.
He said, excuse me, but I noticed that you did not look out the window.
Don’t you find the Grand Canyon impressive?
I looked up from him and replied, I’m from Michigan. I
f you’ve have seen one pothole, you have seen them all.
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http://monroelosthistory.wordpress.com/

Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #6 on: July 03, 2007, 08:49:09 PM »

Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about
many things.
The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to
live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a
bottle.  If I ever come to that just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

riversbend

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #7 on: July 04, 2007, 08:57:12 AM »

You know you from Monroe when…….

You say "Meijers" instead of "Meijer"  LOL
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Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #8 on: July 04, 2007, 10:54:10 AM »

(Warning, Adult content)


A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been trained to give BJs’!"

"BJs’!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this Month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift and what if it's true...no more BJs’ for her!
She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you’re outta here."

Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #9 on: July 06, 2007, 05:39:40 AM »




Sons letter to mom and dad, while he's away at camp. Enjoy!

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren’t any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love, Jimmie





Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2007, 12:43:14 PM »

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna b e 16! And then the greatest day of your life, you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92".

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, music, art, stock, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

nerd

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #11 on: July 08, 2007, 12:22:32 AM »

A duck walks into a bar, hops on a bar stool and looks at the bartender.

The bartender thinks for a second, realizes that he has never served a duck, and then realizes that a ducks money should be as good as anyone else's so he asks "What can I get ya?"

The duck asks "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender is caught off guard for a second but then says "No I don't have any grapes, this is a bar not a farm market.  Get out of here." and then throws the duck out.

The next day the duck comes back in, sits down at the bar, and asks the bartender "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender throws him out again.

The next day the same thing happens but this time the bartender tells the duck, "If you ever come in here again asking for grapes I am going to nail your bill to the bar."

A few days go by without the duck stopping by.  Within the week though the duck walks back into the bar and sits down.

The bartender asks, "What do you want now?"

The duck responds, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender says, "No, this is a bar not a hardware store."

The duck says, "Good, then do you have any grapes?"
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If I had good ideas would I be posting them for free on this forum?

riversbend

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A child that could drive you to drink
« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2007, 08:08:35 AM »

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not shown up for work by noon - but had not phoned in sick. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number. The phone barely rang one time when a child's whisper said " Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" the boss asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME."
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Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #13 on: August 01, 2007, 11:28:16 PM »

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles! I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing-the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow-I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."
   
   

« Last Edit: August 12, 2007, 10:38:08 PM by frenchfry »
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #14 on: August 01, 2007, 11:35:41 PM »

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed.
"God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed.
"God, please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat, strong arms and legs and he was
able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed.
"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman.
She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked
across the bridge.

(One person commented that the real punch-line to the joke is that everyone knows women can't read maps)
   
   
« Last Edit: August 12, 2007, 10:38:27 PM by frenchfry »
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com
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