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Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #15 on: August 01, 2007, 11:39:22 PM »

Lawyer joke

Q : What can a goose do, that a duck can't do, that a lawyer should do?


A : Stick his bill in his butt.
« Last Edit: August 12, 2007, 10:35:55 PM by frenchfry »
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This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #16 on: August 01, 2007, 11:41:49 PM »

Lady sends out her dirty laundry to be washed.

She notices that her panties don't come back as clean as she would like them to be.

The next batch of laundry she sends out, she attaches a note to her panties reading "please use more soap".

When her laundry is returned to her there is a note attached to her panties reading "please use more toilet paper".
« Last Edit: August 12, 2007, 10:35:33 PM by frenchfry »
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #17 on: August 01, 2007, 11:44:14 PM »

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees. The pond was set up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Mayonnaise

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #18 on: August 02, 2007, 08:32:27 AM »

A Michigan senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, red lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly speedster as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette,
looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Michigan State Trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper
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Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #19 on: August 02, 2007, 11:27:59 PM »

Q--What should you do when you see ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A-- Shoot him again.

Q--Why do little boys whine?
A--They're practicing to be men.

Q--How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A--One--he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. Or alternate answer - three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q - What do you call a handcuffed man?
A - Trustworthy.

Q - What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath calling your name?
A - You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q - Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A - Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Q - What's the best way to kill a man?
A - Put a six-pack and a naked woman in front of him and ask him to choose just one.

Q - What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A - They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch.

Q - Why do men whistle while they're on the toilet?
A - Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q - What is the difference between men and women?
A - A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q - How does a man keep his youth?
A - By giving her money, diamonds, and furs.

Q - How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A - Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."
« Last Edit: August 12, 2007, 10:36:18 PM by frenchfry »
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

bedfordgrandma

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #20 on: August 03, 2007, 08:16:59 PM »

An old man and an old woman were sitting on the porch of the old folks home. The old woman looked at the old man and said " I bet I can guess your age". The old man said " no way". The old woman told the old man to stand up - he did, she told him to turn around - he did, she told him to drop his trousers - he did. The old woman said "You're 92" The old man couldn't believe it! He said "How did you know?" The old woman said " You told me yesterday."
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Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #21 on: August 03, 2007, 11:38:08 PM »

A FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."


"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days so I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight....The poor thing devoured them in moments.


Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair."


The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

(Perhaps one of the secrets to a lasting relationship has just been revealed)

   
   

« Last Edit: August 12, 2007, 10:36:40 PM by frenchfry »
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

MomEm

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #22 on: August 04, 2007, 11:44:43 PM »

Perhaps I'm a prude, but FrenchFry PLEASE give the dirty jokes a break!  We now know we can head over to Craigslist if we are interested. 

And Mayo... I'm disappointed in you!   :'(   

I'd like to think this list should be PG-13.  Esp if it is going to be continually advertised in our local paper. 

MomEm
« Last Edit: August 05, 2007, 12:40:41 AM by MomEm »
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Mayonnaise

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #23 on: August 05, 2007, 12:28:38 AM »

MomEm,
I did not mean to offend you are anyone.
I removed the bad jokes and kept the good ones posted.
 :-[
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Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #24 on: August 05, 2007, 01:51:59 AM »

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 or if you're not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run…anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you???”

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8 You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list!

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

You should forward this to anyone you can remember!!

« Last Edit: August 12, 2007, 10:33:18 PM by frenchfry »
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

MomEm

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #25 on: August 05, 2007, 02:03:59 AM »

Thanks Mayo!   :)


MomEm

MomEm

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #26 on: August 05, 2007, 02:05:35 AM »

MODIFIED:  FrenchFry has went and removed all of his bullying posts, so my comments seem like I am being harsh.  This is his usual MO, so I'm not surprised!

Hey Fry Guy- sheesh!  Take a breath there.  You're right it was ONE comment, so don't get your undies in a bunch over it.

Perhaps you haven't noticed that you are practically the only one who posts to this thread?  Maybe make the connection that other people on the list (who are actually funny, not just cutting and pasting) aren't rolling on the floor laughing at your jokes?  Or they don't want to be associated with that type of posts?

 ::)  Gee, I'm sure hostile rude comments are a great way to score points with everyone.  ::)

I won't read your posts if you don't read mine!   :P




MomEm

« Last Edit: August 30, 2007, 11:36:53 PM by MomEm »
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Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #27 on: August 05, 2007, 04:19:24 AM »

Could be coincidence... but then again...

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. 
This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force and the US government. 
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep.
 
This piece of information may clear up a lot of things
« Last Edit: August 12, 2007, 10:34:47 PM by frenchfry »
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Simmie

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #28 on: August 05, 2007, 08:01:08 AM »


I get the biggest kicks from watching the Jay Leno segment called “Headlines” but that’s just my kind of humor.

MomEm, your posts are starting to look familiar…are you an adversary from the old forums with a new name?

Perhaps you’re part of the “London gang” since your criticism arrived shortly after I ruffled some feathers and your location does state “Boondocks”.

I also enjoy the Jay Leno "Headlines" and look forward to them every Monday.

I also live in the boondocks and am part of the London gang of free thinkers and political activists.  I enjoy your jokes, so keep posting. It relieves some of my stress from watching the London activities.  If others don't want to read them, that's their choice.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion on here. Opinions are like certain parts of the body and everyone has one  :D

Oops, I forgot.  I'm also over 50  ::)

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MomEm

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #29 on: August 05, 2007, 09:10:56 AM »

MODIFIED: FrenchFry removed all of his abusive posts (or they were removed for him).  I am deleting all identifiable info of mine, there are some whackos on this list.  My suggestion: be anonymous!

I get the biggest kicks from watching the Jay Leno segment called “Headlines” but that’s just my kind of humor.


Such hostility - - get that checked out!
Yaaaawn at the attempted flame.  To quote you from another thread "People should not fear repercussions for voicing their opinions!"

And you're pretty much wrong on all points.... 
569 views, not so many LOLs or ROFLs.

If you can read and reply to anything you want, what precludes me from doing the same?  And if people can read and reply freely, then why so much anger and attempts at personal attacks at a post that suggested better jokes?

I don't care what you read or don't read.  You first suggested I not read anything from you anymore.   My saying "If you don't read mine I won't read yours" was a play on a common phrase, an attempt to diffuse the situation.

Let's try again...

Jay Leno "Headlines" are the best part of his show.  The style doesn't work well for typed out jokes.    Conan O` Brien does "Headlines" with fake newspapers, also clever. 


MomEm
« Last Edit: August 30, 2007, 11:39:23 PM by MomEm »
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