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Categories => Miscellaneous => Topic started by: Frenchfry on July 02, 2007, 09:38:16 AM

Title: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 02, 2007, 09:38:16 AM
When we were younger my father told my brother this sage advice of a sort. It may be helpful to you.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.......... So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.......... So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and looking for a girl with big ‘uns.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on July 02, 2007, 10:49:49 PM
You know you from Monroe when…….

If you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you grew up.
If your family becomes divided during the MSU-UM game (or any sport!).
If at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry.
If you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
If you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your bike.
If you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
If you sometimes drive with the heat on, and sometimes with the A/C on...on the same day.
If you know how to play and pronounce Euchre.
If you pick out your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
If you pronounce Yargerville Rd as Yagerville Rd.
If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
If you know a Muskrat is something you can eat.
If you prefer stores that have Lay-A-Way.
If you consider going to garage sales and flea markets as family time.
If you see more relatives at the fair then you do during the holidays.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 03, 2007, 06:21:18 AM
Years ago, i was sitting in a bar, tippin back a few beers when a guy sat at the stool next to me. We got to talking. He told me he was from Canada... I looked at him and said, Canada has nothing but hockey players and hookers. He says wait a minute, my wife is from Canada......I kindly asked, what team does she play for?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on July 03, 2007, 08:22:25 AM
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: the nosh on July 03, 2007, 09:58:17 AM
good one mayo! im betting that blonde is a buckeye fan!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on July 03, 2007, 08:19:11 PM
On a return flight from the west, the pilot announced over the intercom…Ladies and Gentlemen, if you look out the left side window, you will be able to see the Grand Canyon.
As I continued to read my magazine, the passenger seating next to me noticed that I did not look.
He said, excuse me, but I noticed that you did not look out the window.
Don’t you find the Grand Canyon impressive?
I looked up from him and replied, I’m from Michigan. I
f you’ve have seen one pothole, you have seen them all.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 03, 2007, 08:49:09 PM
Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about
many things.
The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to
live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a
bottle.  If I ever come to that just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend on July 04, 2007, 08:57:12 AM
You know you from Monroe when…….

You say "Meijers" instead of "Meijer"  LOL
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 04, 2007, 10:54:10 AM
(Warning, Adult content)


A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been trained to give BJs’!"

"BJs’!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this Month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift and what if it's true...no more BJs’ for her!
She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you’re outta here."

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 06, 2007, 05:39:40 AM



Sons letter to mom and dad, while he's away at camp. Enjoy!

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren’t any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love, Jimmie





Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 07, 2007, 12:43:14 PM
George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna b e 16! And then the greatest day of your life, you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92".

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, music, art, stock, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: nerd on July 08, 2007, 12:22:32 AM
A duck walks into a bar, hops on a bar stool and looks at the bartender.

The bartender thinks for a second, realizes that he has never served a duck, and then realizes that a ducks money should be as good as anyone else's so he asks "What can I get ya?"

The duck asks "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender is caught off guard for a second but then says "No I don't have any grapes, this is a bar not a farm market.  Get out of here." and then throws the duck out.

The next day the duck comes back in, sits down at the bar, and asks the bartender "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender throws him out again.

The next day the same thing happens but this time the bartender tells the duck, "If you ever come in here again asking for grapes I am going to nail your bill to the bar."

A few days go by without the duck stopping by.  Within the week though the duck walks back into the bar and sits down.

The bartender asks, "What do you want now?"

The duck responds, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender says, "No, this is a bar not a hardware store."

The duck says, "Good, then do you have any grapes?"
Title: A child that could drive you to drink
Post by: riversbend on July 08, 2007, 08:08:35 AM
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not shown up for work by noon - but had not phoned in sick. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number. The phone barely rang one time when a child's whisper said " Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" the boss asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 01, 2007, 11:28:16 PM
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles! I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing-the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow-I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."
   
   

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 01, 2007, 11:35:41 PM
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed.
"God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed.
"God, please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat, strong arms and legs and he was
able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed.
"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman.
She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked
across the bridge.

(One person commented that the real punch-line to the joke is that everyone knows women can't read maps)
   
   
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 01, 2007, 11:39:22 PM
Lawyer joke

Q : What can a goose do, that a duck can't do, that a lawyer should do?


A : Stick his bill in his butt.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 01, 2007, 11:41:49 PM
Lady sends out her dirty laundry to be washed.

She notices that her panties don't come back as clean as she would like them to be.

The next batch of laundry she sends out, she attaches a note to her panties reading "please use more soap".

When her laundry is returned to her there is a note attached to her panties reading "please use more toilet paper".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 01, 2007, 11:44:14 PM
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees. The pond was set up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on August 02, 2007, 08:32:27 AM
A Michigan senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, red lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly speedster as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette,
looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Michigan State Trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 02, 2007, 11:27:59 PM
Q--What should you do when you see ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A-- Shoot him again.

Q--Why do little boys whine?
A--They're practicing to be men.

Q--How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A--One--he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. Or alternate answer - three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q - What do you call a handcuffed man?
A - Trustworthy.

Q - What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath calling your name?
A - You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q - Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A - Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Q - What's the best way to kill a man?
A - Put a six-pack and a naked woman in front of him and ask him to choose just one.

Q - What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A - They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch.

Q - Why do men whistle while they're on the toilet?
A - Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q - What is the difference between men and women?
A - A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q - How does a man keep his youth?
A - By giving her money, diamonds, and furs.

Q - How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A - Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bedfordgrandma on August 03, 2007, 08:16:59 PM
An old man and an old woman were sitting on the porch of the old folks home. The old woman looked at the old man and said " I bet I can guess your age". The old man said " no way". The old woman told the old man to stand up - he did, she told him to turn around - he did, she told him to drop his trousers - he did. The old woman said "You're 92" The old man couldn't believe it! He said "How did you know?" The old woman said " You told me yesterday."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 03, 2007, 11:38:08 PM
A FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."


"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days so I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight....The poor thing devoured them in moments.


Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair."


The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

(Perhaps one of the secrets to a lasting relationship has just been revealed)

   
   

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on August 05, 2007, 12:28:38 AM
MomEm,
I did not mean to offend you are anyone.
I removed the bad jokes and kept the good ones posted.
 :-[
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 05, 2007, 01:51:59 AM
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 or if you're not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run…anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you???”

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8 You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list!

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

You should forward this to anyone you can remember!!

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 05, 2007, 04:19:24 AM
Could be coincidence... but then again...

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. 
This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force and the US government. 
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep.
 
This piece of information may clear up a lot of things
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Simmie on August 05, 2007, 08:01:08 AM

I get the biggest kicks from watching the Jay Leno segment called “Headlines” but that’s just my kind of humor.

MomEm, your posts are starting to look familiar…are you an adversary from the old forums with a new name?

Perhaps you’re part of the “London gang” since your criticism arrived shortly after I ruffled some feathers and your location does state “Boondocks”.

I also enjoy the Jay Leno "Headlines" and look forward to them every Monday.

I also live in the boondocks and am part of the London gang of free thinkers and political activists.  I enjoy your jokes, so keep posting. It relieves some of my stress from watching the London activities.  If others don't want to read them, that's their choice.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion on here. Opinions are like certain parts of the body and everyone has one  :D

Oops, I forgot.  I'm also over 50  ::)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 05, 2007, 01:55:59 PM
Best Welfare Joke of the Year

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a job."


The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year."


The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're BS’ing' me!

The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 06, 2007, 09:11:17 AM
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield
US actor & comedian (1921 - 2004)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: utility slug on August 06, 2007, 06:32:05 PM
alcohol abuse. :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: KaWinkyDink on August 06, 2007, 08:46:37 PM
OMG ... As Appointed Forum Mascot ...

Please Allow Me To Cart In The 55 Gallon Drum Of Midol !!!  ;D


Smash, Big Red Dog, and Semper Fi ... I believe ya'll were appointed in charge of Security.
Get On The Kryptonite Jackets!  LMAO  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Massagetherapyworks on August 06, 2007, 09:14:33 PM
Did you hear about the Indian who couldn't tell heads from tails?  You should see the crazy bunch of scalps he's got.

What did the Cannibal give his wife for Valentine's Day?  A box of Farmers Fannies.

At the nursing home, all the nurses decided to go in on a hooker for their favorite patient's 90th birthday. The hooker arrived at his room and he looked up and asked "What are you here for?" She replied "I'm here for Super Sex!" He said "If it's all the same to you, I'll have the soup."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 06, 2007, 10:36:21 PM
This old Martian guy was sitting on the beach in Miami when a beautiful young woman approached him and asked. "Hey there old man. Want a date?" Realizing immediately that the woman must be a prostitute he responded, "Sure, but we have to do it the Martian way."

"The Martian way?" she asked. "I've heard of the Chinese way, the Russian way, the Mexican way, and others, but I don't recall ever learning about the Martian way. Tell you what old man, if you teach me this Martian way, since I might need to know it in my line of work, I'll do it for FREE."

The old man looks up, smiles and says 'THAT's the Martian way!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lady Arbella on August 07, 2007, 07:38:49 PM
([url]http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3408/H_3408_04.jpg[/url])

([url]http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3408/H_3408_14.jpg[/url])

([url]http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3408/H_3408_26.jpg[/url])

([url]http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3408/H_3408_28.jpg[/url])



I try not to make it a habit of replying to to posts just to say LOL........but those were positively hilarious.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 07, 2007, 09:07:19 PM
The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.
Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.
If they want to lug it into school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."


She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'

Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."


Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."


Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Farmer.Ted on August 08, 2007, 12:31:08 PM
Can you guys take your personal battle to Private messages please?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 09, 2007, 08:45:26 AM

>   KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS:
>
>
>   KIDS IN CHURCH
>
>   3-year-old Reese:
>   "Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
>   Harold is His name.
>   Amen."
>   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>   A little boy was overheard praying:
>   "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
>   I'm having a real good time like I am."
>   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>   After the christening of his baby brother in church,
>   Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
>   His father asked him three times what was wrong.
>   Finally, the boy replied,
>   "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
>   and I wanted to stay with you guys."
>   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>   One particular four-year-old prayed,
>   "And forgive us our trash baskets
>   as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
>   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>   A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
>   were on the way to church service,
>   "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
>   One bright little girl replied,
>   "Because people are sleeping."
>   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>   A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
>   The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
>   Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
>   "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
>   'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
>   Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
>   "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
>   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>   A father was at the beach with his children
>   when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
>   grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
>   where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
>   "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
>   "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
>   The boy thought a moment and then said,
>   "Did God throw him back down?"
>   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>   A wife invited some people to dinner.
>   At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
>   "Would you like to say the blessing?"
>   "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
>   "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
>   The daughter bowed her head and said,
>   "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on August 09, 2007, 09:36:07 AM
Can you guys take your personal battle to Private messages please?

Aw, c'mon Ted.  This fight between MomEm and Frenchfry is the funniest thing on this thread.  When Mayo was told about an offensive post, he immediately apologized and removed the offensive post.  I respect that action.  It demonstrates consideration for others, which frenchfry has never done.  Frenchie's response is to argue - not very respectable on a public forum.  I have seen this behaviour in the past from the french guy, and it doesn't surprise me at all.  This 'my way or the highway' attitude is childish and selfish, and I now expect an angry response from frenchie.  Bully's don't like to be called out.

Keep up your defenses, MomEm - you're doing a good job.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 09, 2007, 01:06:36 PM
A man at a farm picks up a sheep and carries it inside to his kitchen, where his wife happens to be doing the dishes.

He looks at his wife and says "This is the pig I sleep with when you aren't around."

His wife says "That's not a pig, that's a sheep you idiot."

The farmer says to his wife "I wasn't talking to you!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on August 09, 2007, 04:43:29 PM
Now THAT one was FUNNY!!!!

Thanks, Frenchfry! :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: TheShepherd on August 09, 2007, 04:49:09 PM
There's nothing better than a good sheep joke. Mine just need a different forum to be told.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on August 10, 2007, 08:10:18 AM
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.

       + Broiled Missionary: $10.00
       + Fried Explorer: $15.00
       + Grilled Republican: $100.00
       + Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politicians?'"
 
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: sue lee on August 10, 2007, 11:16:28 AM
President Clinton decided to buy a puppy as a present for Hillary. He snuck the puppy under his coat into the White House and as he was walking down one of the halls he comes upon Al Gore. Clinton could not hold back his joy and shared his surprise with the Vice President.
"Look what I got for Hillary!" exclaims Clinton, holding up the puppy.
Al Gore stares for a moment, then his eyes brighten up as he says, "Nice trade, sir!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on August 12, 2007, 01:50:52 PM
Blonde and Redhead
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.

The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."

The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied,... "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again !"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 12, 2007, 06:47:40 PM
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for  dinner.  I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you  this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping in stead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend  all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Semper Fi on August 12, 2007, 06:57:38 PM
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for  dinner.  I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you  this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping in stead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend  all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

Funny!
Was that one for MomEm?  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 12, 2007, 10:29:37 PM
I’d prefer a truce so I’m extending the olive branch, just please don't whack me with it.

Just to let everyone know, I will only let the images stay for a short time before I remove them because I’m sure it’s way too slow for the folks that use dial up.

Wise Old Indian:
A few years ago someone browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader's Digest (dated Feb. 1962) came across this reprint from the Washington News and found it quite interesting in light of our current debates. The quote reads: Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from a Native American Indian Chief on a reservation "Be careful with your immigration laws. We were careless with ours. "
Native American Observation:
Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial Pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent by the President to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."  Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: sue lee on August 13, 2007, 12:38:52 AM
 A tour bus driver drives a bus full of seniors down a highway,  a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 15, 2007, 11:13:03 AM
I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy," and that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."
 
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
 
"Who said my Dad's dead?"
 
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

 He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."
 
Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"
 
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
 
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
 
"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. the doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
 
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
 
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
 
"Who said he wanted to?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on August 16, 2007, 09:24:33 PM
Sad but true ……….
It was fun being a baby boomer … Until now. Some of the artists of the “60’s” are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:
1. Herman’s Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker.
2. The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a broken Hip.
3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash.
4. Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
5. Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
6. Johnny Nash -- I Can’t See Clearly Now.
7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
8. The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
9. Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
10. Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
11. Leo Sayer -- You make Me Feel Like Napping.
12. The Temptations -- papa’s Got a Kidney Stone.
13. Abba -- Denture Queen.
14. Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
15. Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
16. Leslie Gore -- It’s My Procedure. And I’ll Cry If I Want To.
17. Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 18, 2007, 04:21:38 PM
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)




The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."




(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 24, 2007, 08:36:54 AM
Walking through the woods a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquires, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree.'

'You got to be kidding me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

'Well, OK...'

So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, and car keys, and then strips him bare *** naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy hand cuffed to the tree, stark naked and asked, 'What in the world happened to you?'

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there, but while he was doing so the guy shakes his head in sympathy walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says. "This just ain't your day."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 27, 2007, 01:18:45 AM
2007 Bumper Stickers


1. Bush: End of an Error

2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First

4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

5. Bush. Like a Rock - Only Dumber.

6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore

11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

13. Jail to the Chief

14. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

15. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap

16. Bad President! No Banana.

17. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

18. We're making Enemies Faster than We Can Kill Them

19. Is It Vietnam Yet?

20. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

21. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We in This Hand basket?

22. You elected him. You Deserve Him.

23. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

24. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

25. One Nation under Clod

26. At Least Nixon had the decency to Resign

   
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on August 29, 2007, 03:48:57 PM
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in
a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls
light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last
number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped
out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
"Go get your mother."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on August 30, 2007, 09:50:08 PM
An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees!  What powerful rivers!  What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.  He turned to look.  He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.  He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.  He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

...

...

...

Time Stopped.   The bear froze.   The forest was still...

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.  Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well," said the Voice.

...

...


The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, Bless this food, which I am about to receive, from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 30, 2007, 10:30:37 PM
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
By now, Leroy was very upset.
He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.
Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.
He looked around to see if anyone was there.
He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat, down with a piece of paper and a pen, and wrote his letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on August 31, 2007, 07:52:38 PM
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!

http://www.ourlighterside.com/stuff/makeup/
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lady Arbella on August 31, 2007, 07:58:20 PM
Major Terrorist Captured





(http://i5.tinypic.com/62s8lfo.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lady Arbella on August 31, 2007, 08:23:06 PM
2007 Bumper Stickers

2008 Democratic National Convention  ;D

Schedule of Events

7:00 pm ~ Opening flag burning

7:15 pm ~ Pledge of Allegiance to the U. N.

7:20 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

7:25 pm ~ Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton

7:45 pm ~ Ceremonial tree hugging

7:55 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:00 pm ~ How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore

8:15 pm ~ Gay Wedding Planning - Barney Frank presiding

8:35 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:40 pm ~ Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry

9.00 pm ~ Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon

10:00 pm ~ “Answering Machine Etiquette” - Alec Baldwin

11:00 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:05 pm ~ Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbra Streisand

11:15 pm ~ Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn

11:30 pm ~ Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton

11:45 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:50 pm ~ How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean

12:15 am ~ “Truth in Broadcasting Award” - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore

12:25 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

12:30 am ~ Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

12:45 am ~ Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi

1:00 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

1:05 am ~ Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton

1:30 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

1:35 am ~ Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 02, 2007, 11:10:03 PM
HOW MANY MONROETALKS  MEMBERS DOES IT TAkE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

Five to flame the spell checkers.

Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.

Six to argue over whether it's "light bulb" or "lightbulb" ....    another six to condemn those six as stupid.

Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.

Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb (or lightbulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.

Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.

AND

One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again. :)

Did I miss anyone ??? ;D :D ;) :)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 02, 2007, 11:30:30 PM
BigRedDog, Original and good. Thanks!

Oh frenchfry...   not original at all....   I found that on a newsgroup posting....  
I just couldnt resist....    I just snagged it, changed the name, tidied it up a bit....    and ta da ;D ;D ;D

I guess as a group of talkers we're not really that much different than most of the other groups out there.....   we're just concentrated in a little smaller part of the world...
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on September 04, 2007, 11:00:11 PM
WHERE WOULD YOU BE:
 
              IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
 
              IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES
 
              IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU
 
              IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN
 
              IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS
 
              IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES

              SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE
 
 
 
              Well...... HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!
 
YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG DAMN HOUSE
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on September 05, 2007, 08:14:19 AM
A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks." 

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks." 

The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We took a woman with no brains, sent her to Michigan where she became Governor, and now half the state is out looking for work."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on September 05, 2007, 08:55:29 PM
I got that one from Wayne too, mayo.   ;D


It's a comin'!
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman , Montana while awaiting their respective flights.
 
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.  Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show & the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
 
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.  Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
 
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
 
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
 
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
 
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many.  Why do you suppose that is?"
 
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and, from the darkness beneath his Stetson, says in a smooth drawl, "That's cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on September 07, 2007, 05:03:16 AM
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE
 
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window. 

George opened the back door to
go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
 
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
"No".
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
lock his door and an officer would be along when available. 
 
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again.  "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  
Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot
them
." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an armed response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed. 

One of the policemen said to George:
 "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" 
 
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on September 09, 2007, 12:31:01 AM
While preparing for the upcoming Miss America pageant, Miss Tennessee was bitten on the foot by a rattlesnake.
Luckily for her, Miss teen South Carolina was on hand and immediately performed the Heimlich maneuver on her.
(Jay Leno)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on September 10, 2007, 10:53:48 PM
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking;  the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! 
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. 
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. 
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."


The biker thought about it for a long time.  Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives;  I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.


"The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on September 13, 2007, 05:24:20 PM
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Create a new file folder on your computer.
2. Name it 'Hillary Rodham Clinton'.
3. Drag it to the recycle bin.
4. Empty the recycle bin.
5. Your PC will ask you, 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Hillary Rodham Clinton?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better instantly!   :D

Next week, we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on September 14, 2007, 12:02:16 AM
Fart Football....

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "Its fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, "What was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Whiskers on September 17, 2007, 11:47:08 PM
Fart Football....

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "Its fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, "What was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides


This is cute!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on September 19, 2007, 02:31:01 PM
(Just a funny forwarded email about perception)

SENIORS UNDER ATTACK  

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately !

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper, groceries are heavier and, everything is farther   away.  Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones.  They speak in whispers all the time!  If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face!  What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.  On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.  I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. 

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection . . well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors  are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days!  You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.  All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve  in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days.  Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20?  Do they think no one notices? The people who make  bathroom scales are pulling the same prank.  Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial?  HA!  I would never let myself weigh that much!  Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small  type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:

WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!


PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.
 :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on September 21, 2007, 10:48:38 AM
(From a forwarded email)

THE WEDDING RING

No matter how you figure this...this guy's got real trouble.
Real life really is funnier than make believe.

True Story from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep

I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on September 26, 2007, 12:21:04 AM
Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and B.S. with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him.
Good grief woman..... You don't need him anymore!
You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States.
Act like one!
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on September 26, 2007, 10:16:18 AM
The Heart surgeon and the motorcycle mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head  from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon  in his shop.

The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to  come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the  garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

The famous surgeon, a bit  surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and  asked, "So Doc, look at this engine.
I also can open it up, take valves  out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like  a new one.

So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big  money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to  the mechanic, "Try doing it while it's running."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: zard0z on September 26, 2007, 11:11:19 AM
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Create a new file folder on your computer.
2. Name it 'Hillary Rodham Clinton'.
3. Drag it to the recycle bin.
4. Empty the recycle bin.
5. Your PC will ask you, 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Hillary Rodham Clinton?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better instantly!   :D

Next week, we'll do Nancy Pelosi.



LMAO...!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Griff on September 26, 2007, 05:29:31 PM
You want to know how to make a million dollars gambling?









Start with two million dollars.

peace,
Griff
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MonroeMom on September 26, 2007, 10:47:31 PM
LOL!! Where do you find these??!! Love 'em!! LOL!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on September 26, 2007, 11:15:13 PM
BE SURE YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS AT HOME....


A woman was found dead in her home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the woman in her bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.

A banana was sticking out.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on September 28, 2007, 12:32:03 AM
      Sotheby's in New York said Tuesday it will sell a seven-hundred-year-old copy of the Magna Carta. It established the rights of all English speaking people and it limited the power of the king. President Bush is pretty sure it has expired by now.   (comedian  Argus Hamilton).

      Here’s good news: President Bush says he has a plan to stop Iran’s nuclear program. He’s going to have O.J. steal Iran’s plutonium.   (David Letterman)

     A U.N. rep is headed to Myanmar to try to stop the violence... which means the violent government crackdown will either continue indefinitely or be blamed on Israel. (Jake Novak)

      It's kinda weird that OJ Simpson is back in the news.  And later on today's show -- we'll update you on Joey Buttafuocco, Rodney King, and John Wayne Bobbitt. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

     A Swedish man of Lebanese descent with ties to Al Qaeda in Pakistan has been arrested in the Czech Republic for operating a terrorist training camp in Oregon.   A lawyer has volunteered to defend the man in exchange for his frequent flyer miles.   (Gorsefeathers, RadioOnline.com)

      The FBI reports that violent crime rose for the second year in a row. They blame gangs, lax gun-licensing laws and the return of O.J.  (Bob Mills - Bereft on the Left)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on September 29, 2007, 12:36:23 AM
Two West Virginians were having the blue plate special at their favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to  see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a 'possum burger too fast.
 The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?" "I  reckon," said the second hillbilly.
 The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?
 She shook her head no. "Kin yew talk?" he asked. She again shook her head no.
 With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her right on the butt cheek.
 She was so shocked; she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
 The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that  thar Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on October 01, 2007, 06:27:58 PM
LITTLE MARK ON MATH
 
The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little MARK.
 
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
 
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
 
Then little MARK says, "I have a question for YOU.
 
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
 
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.   The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.   The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.  Which one is married?"
 
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
 
To which Little MARK replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on October 02, 2007, 10:07:11 AM
Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk replies, "Go ahead."

How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married?
There is dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call rerun of "Hee Haw" in Alabama?
Documentaries.

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Mississippi.
If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called teethbrush.

A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"

Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on October 04, 2007, 08:21:45 AM
 President Bush on Wednesday vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded children's health insurance. You go, George. Can't have too many healthy children around.
     You know, this just might be the one that turns right-wingers into wrong-wingers.  (Joe Hickman)

     
Republican White House hopeful John McCain said Wednesday that President Bush made a mistake after the Sept. 11 terror attacks by encouraging people to shop rather than urging citizens to join the military. That's right. If we'd only had more troops, no telling how many we could have lost.
     On the other  hand, the more fatherless children, the greater the need for kids health insurance.
     So who knows, maybe the President was just thinking ahead.  (HaBlog)

     
Homeland Security reported yesterday that there was a new video of Bin Laden, which showed Bin Laden and some of his people making nonsensical dialogue. Chertoff apologized later and said it was all a mistake; it was just a tape of the new ABC series "The Cavemen."   (Pedro Bartes)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on October 06, 2007, 12:57:02 AM
WORLD  WAR III IS  COMING

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a  local bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush sitting at  the end of the bar?"

The  bartender  says, "Yep, that's him."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?"

Bush  says, " I'm planning WW III."

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one big chested blonde"

The guy exclaimed, "A big chested blonde?"

Why  kill a big chested blonde?"

Bush turns to the bartender and says, "See,  I told you, no one cares about the 140 million Muslims"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on October 11, 2007, 11:43:59 PM
According to Forbes magazine, the richest woman in China is a 26-year-old woman. Know what she does? She sells lead paint.  (Jay Leno)



Dear Tide :

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lady Arbella on October 15, 2007, 11:20:34 PM
They listed that poor girl as "Slutatorian"!! That is horrible..............LMAO  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MonroeMom on October 15, 2007, 11:29:29 PM
They listed that poor girl as "Slutatorian"!! That is horrible..............LMAO  :D :D :D

Was that not totally hilarious?!!! LMAO, too!!!

(y'know, for being so serious, ff really has a good sense of humor!!)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on October 15, 2007, 11:35:18 PM
Was that not totally hilarious?!!! LMAO, too!!!

(y'know, for being so serious, ff really has a good sense of humor!!)

yes ff has some good ones.  I've been known to cut and paste a few here and there to forward on to friends.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on October 16, 2007, 07:12:58 PM
As Ben Franklin said:  In wine there is wisdom.  In beer there is freedom.  In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year, we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) the bacteria found in feces.  In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop
Booze = Health

In conclusion, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:  I'm sending it along as a public service.   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on October 17, 2007, 07:15:01 PM
A Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.  "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she said.
 
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident and why she thought the cat stuttered.
 
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
 
That must have been scary!" said the teacher. 
 
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "F**k", the rottweiler ate him!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on October 17, 2007, 07:55:53 PM
Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones
because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they sometimes take the apples from
the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong
with them, when in reality, they're amazing.

They just have to wait for the right person
to come along, the one who is brave enough
to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it's up to women
to stomp the crap out of them
until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

Yeah, I know it's sappy.  I woman sent it to me.   *:)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lady Arbella on October 17, 2007, 08:04:50 PM
Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Lucky for my husband, he is tall................LOL :D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on October 17, 2007, 08:31:32 PM
TWO OLD MEN, BILLY AND HOWARD, DECIDE THAT THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST
DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL..

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK; I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD, AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME, HOWARD SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS BILLY, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

BILLY SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE -- I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

BILLY SAID,'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE -- THEN S HE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on October 17, 2007, 08:34:49 PM
LMFAO!!!!

Good one, ff!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on October 19, 2007, 12:07:45 AM
A women was mowing her grass when she accidentally ran over her cat, cutting off its tail.
She immediately took the cat and it's tail to Walmart.

Why did she take it to Walmart?

Get ready.......

Because Walmart is the worlds biggest re-tailer.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ACP Mom on October 19, 2007, 10:58:07 AM
Why did Mickey divorce Minney?



She was f***king Goofy.... :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on October 19, 2007, 10:02:42 PM
 My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
 
 My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.

She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
   
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
   
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
   
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
   
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
   
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.






"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: TPoKE on October 22, 2007, 01:49:59 PM
Barbershop

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long
before
I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
"About
2 hours."
The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and
asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
"How
long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a
half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has
to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing
hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he
leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your
house!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on October 23, 2007, 12:29:06 AM
Police Quotes
 
 
 
  #16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."
 
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
 
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document"
 
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
 
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
 
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess t hat means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?
 
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
 
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
 
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?
 
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
 
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
 
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
 
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
 
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
 
#2 "I'm glad to hear that the Sheriff is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
 
AND THE WINNER IS....
 
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on October 23, 2007, 10:28:17 AM
The White House announced that French President Nicolas Sarkozy will be President Bush's guest next month.
This is ominous news for Iran.
There's enough testosterone in Washington D.C. as it is without adding a divorced Frenchman to the mix.

President Bush has imposed new sanctions against the country of Myanmar, which he calls Burma. 
Mr. Bush said its part of his new diplomatic strategy to punish countries with hard-to-pronounce names.

Madonna signed a new 10 year record deal. 
She gets a zillion dollars -- complete creative control -- and the best phony
British accent instructor money can buy.   
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: chuntley on October 24, 2007, 11:51:29 AM
A boy broom and a girl broom were in a closet.

They grew up and fell in Love

They decided to get married

The Bride Broom Look beautiful in her Wedding dress

The Groom Brrom also looked great in his Tux's

At the reception the Bride Brrom leaned over and whispered in the Groom Broom's Ear

She told him, They were going To have a Little Whisk Broom





He Got Pissed, and yelled






We haven't even swept together yet


The Bride Broom was Sweeping around on the Groom Broom
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on October 25, 2007, 12:31:27 AM
 A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play so he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, “My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: “What does a priest know about sex?" so he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply; Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority........ A man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge…..In other words, he goes to a Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states; “My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks; "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on October 25, 2007, 12:32:39 AM
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play so he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, “My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: “What does a priest know about sex?" so he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply; Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority........ A man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge…..In other words, he goes to a Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states; “My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks; "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.

ff where do you geththis stuff?  I bet you get interesting emails huh?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on October 25, 2007, 12:36:40 AM
Yep, my bro forwards stuff to me and I share.

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on October 25, 2007, 12:27:50 PM
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MonroeMom on October 25, 2007, 12:38:30 PM
Ahhh, thanks, ff!! I needed that chuckle!!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on October 25, 2007, 10:04:24 PM
Two vampire bats wake up thirsty in the middle of the night. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait for the other bats."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them?" He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat asks excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.
 
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on October 26, 2007, 08:40:58 AM
Two woodpeckers, one from Hawaii and one from California, were arguing about
which place had the toughest trees to peck.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in
the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a
tree in California that was absolutely "im-peckable" (a term woodpeckers like
to use).

The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the
challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully
pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused.

How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and
the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree, but neither one
was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your
pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on October 26, 2007, 08:45:52 AM
Two woodpeckers, one from Hawaii and one from California, were arguing about
which place had the toughest trees to peck.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in
the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a
tree in California that was absolutely "im-peckable" (a term woodpeckers like
to use).

The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the
challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully
pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused.

How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and
the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree, but neither one
was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your
pecker is always harder when you're away from home.


Thats too funny 'wire!  I never saw that coming as the punch line....
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mousemeat on October 28, 2007, 06:47:36 PM
Was watching CSI today and they had someone say an old poem . I added a couple of lines.

I shot an arrow into the air
It fell to the earth I know not where.
The other day it hit the ground
and I bought a dead dog at a dollar a pound.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on October 28, 2007, 08:41:36 PM
FIDELITY :
   

  An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary.
We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth.
Have You ever been unfaithful to me?"
   She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney , three times."
   "Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asked.
   Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?"
   "Yes, dear, those were really difficul t tim es," replied Sidney
   "And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?"
   "Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time?"
   "Well," Marsha continued, "Do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"
   "Yes, of course," said Sidney.
   "Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?"
   "Yes, I remember," said Sidney. "And as much as that shocks me, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you.
   "So, what was the third time?"
   "Do you remember when you ran
for president of your golf club and you needed 62 more votes?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on October 29, 2007, 10:34:12 AM
A man comes home from the bar and finds his wife in bed with a man.
He screams at her, What in the hell do you think you're doing?
His wife hugs her lover real tight and said see, I told you he was a dummy



A guy goes to the bar and sees his ex wife sitting at the bar and goes over to her.
He said, I just wanted to let you know I just had sex with another woman tonight
and I thought of you the whole time while doing it.
The ex said, Couldn't get me off your mind, huh?
He replied, It wasn't that.  It helped me last longer.


 
Every time Bob's neighbor came over, it was to borrow something that he wouldn't return on time, and which would usually require much effort on Bob's part to get back.

Bob hated saying no, but as he watched his neighbor approach one Saturday morning, he promised himself that this time he would not give in so easily.

The neighbor walked up to Bob's house. "Hello," he said. "I wonder if you'd be using your power saw this morning?"

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," Bob said, "but I'll be using it off and on all day."

The neighbor then asked, "Well then can I borrow your lawn mower?"

"Sorry, the grass needs to be cut today too," Bob answered.

"What about your hedge clippers?" the neighbor asked.

"I have plans for those as well," Bob answered. "As you can see," he continued, "I have a list of chores a mile long and I'll need all my tools for the entire day."

"Great!" said the neighbor. "I was coming over to borrow your golf clubs. You won't be needing them today, right?"




A minister was preparing a sermon on sex.  His wife said, "Dear, I'm not sure you should discuss that subject.  Speak about something else.  Sex is so private."
 "You're probably right, dear.  I think I'll talk about sailing."
 That night the minister's wife became ill.  She was still in bed that Sunday morning.  Her absence freed him to discuss sex.
 After church was out, two of the women of the congregation visited the wife. They talked about the minister's sermon.  He had spoken with such gusto and vigor.

 The minister's wife said, "How could he sound so smart?  He only did it twice....once in the harbor and once just past the breakwater.  And both times he threw up!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on October 30, 2007, 12:31:52 AM
A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party.
 
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
 
A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:
 

Dear Sir,
 
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
 
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
 


The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
 
A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
 


Dear Sir,
 
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
 
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
 


Now  the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.
 
The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
 


Dear Sir,
 
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.  Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a caramel apple.
 
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on October 30, 2007, 07:01:31 AM
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female.
Ha! You probably thought it would  be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 02, 2007, 06:55:33 AM
A cabbie  picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop  staring at her.  She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, "I have a  question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My  son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as  long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm  sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find  offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss  me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very  excited and says, "Yes! I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the nun  says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a  kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the  road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," asks the nun, "why are  you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm  married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and  I'm going to a Halloween party."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 02, 2007, 09:22:14 AM
An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
 
"Where did you get such a rockin'  bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. 

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 04, 2007, 10:01:37 PM
Expensive Operation
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"



DOUBLE-HOMICIDE COURTROOM DRAMA !
 
 The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
 
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
 
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
 
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out,  "You bastard!"
 
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
 
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend on November 06, 2007, 11:15:37 AM
A recent study found the average American golfer walks about 900 miles a Year.

Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a Year.

That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 06, 2007, 12:18:05 PM
Grandma and Grandpa were driving from Michigan to Florida to
attend their granddaughter's graduation from medical school.

Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Kentucky
for a night.
 
Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the Medicine cabinet.

He asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Grandpa, they're
very strong and very expensive."
 
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
 
"Around  $10.00 a pill," answered the son.
 
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, we'll be leaving
early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow.

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, I told you
each pill Was $10.00, not $110.00

 "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 06, 2007, 02:15:57 PM
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.  They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback!  Get the quarterback!'  I'm like...Helloooooo?  It's only 25 cents!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: eriemermaid on November 06, 2007, 07:52:42 PM
There was a birch tree and a beech tree in the middle of the forest.  A sapling was growing in between them and they wondered what it was - a son of a birch or a son of a beech.  A woodpecker was flying by and they asked it to stop and go down and sample that sapling to see if it was a son of a birch or a son of a beech.  The woodpecker flew down and started pecking at the sapling.  He was down there about 10 minutes just a-pecking away.  Finally he flew back up into the trees and they asked him, "Is it a son of a birch or a son of a beech"???  "Niether" says the woodpecker, "but I have to thank you two trees.  That was the best piece of ash I've put my pecker in - in a long time"!!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 07, 2007, 08:33:56 AM

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
 
  "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
 
   Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
 
  The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
 
   Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
 
  "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
 
  And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
 
  "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
 
 
The teacher fainted.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Josey on November 08, 2007, 10:05:50 AM
Deep Dark Secrets

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults
are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy
to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother
he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work,
and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says,
"Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day
when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says,
"Then come give your real father a big hug."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 08, 2007, 05:47:27 PM
Proper Manners In Bed
     
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
   
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
   
"Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
   
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
   
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the p*$$y?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 08, 2007, 05:55:41 PM
During the first year of Law School, lawyers-to-be are taught to never ask a question that you don't already know the answer to.

This attorney must have dozed off during that all-important class.

A motorcycle officer stopped a man for running a red light.

The guy was a real jerk and came running back to the patrol officer and demanded to know why he was being harassed.

So the officer calmly told him of the red light violation.

The Motorist instantly went on a tirade, questioned the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The motorcycle officer, being a professional, took it all in stride, figuring "Battleship mouth and Rowboat ***."

The tirade went on without the cop saying anything.

When he got done with writing the citation, he put an "AH" in the lower right corner of  the narrative portion of the citation.

He then handed it to the "Violator" for his signature.
 
The guy signed the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy pointed to the "AH" and demanded to know what it stood for.

The officer then removed his mirror sunglasses, got in the
middle of the guys face and said, "That's so when we go to court, I'll
remember you're an A$$hole!"

Three months later they were in court.

The "Violator" had such a bad record he was about to lose his license and had hired an attorney
to represent him.

On the stand the officer testified to seeing the man run the red light and under cross examination the defense attorney asked, "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
 
Officer responded, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH', underlined."

Attorney: "What does the 'AH' stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."

Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir?"

Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for A$$Hole?"

 Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 09, 2007, 11:11:00 AM
A Wyoming Cowboy fan is drinking in a New York bar when,
he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear,
and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife
has produced a typical Cowboy baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
 
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,
but the Wyoming fan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks,
like I said, my boy's a typical Wyoming Cowboy baby boy.
 
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!".
 
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
 
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of that typical Wyoming Cowboy baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be
in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
 
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Wyoming father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on
his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender "Had him circumcised."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: 4x4Mom on November 09, 2007, 11:55:15 AM
Fart Football....

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "Its fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, "What was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides


It's been a while since I read these.  LMAO with this one.  At work, no less!!   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: 4x4Mom on November 09, 2007, 12:34:14 PM
OK.  So, I laughed so hard I pulled a muscle in my back.  :(   Had to go to the Rebab Dept and get a hot pack!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 17, 2007, 08:48:46 PM
A SMALL BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUS. "SEND ME A BROTHER."
SANTA WROTE BACK. "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 17, 2007, 08:55:10 PM
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
 
"We're sorry, Mr.Brown, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
 
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Mr. Brown shouted.
 
The troopers looked at each other.
 
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.

Which do you want to hear first?"
 
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Brown said, "Give me the bad news first."
 
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
 
"Oh, my God!" exclaimed Mr. Brown. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
 
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 15 twenty-five-pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
 
Stunned, Mr. Brown demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
 
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 20, 2007, 11:31:33 AM
(This is just a joke)

Question -
When you apply for Welfare in Mexico what does that Government give you?

 

Answer -
A map of the United States
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 24, 2007, 09:08:14 AM
You Know You Overdid Thanksgiving When....

* Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy
* The "Gravy Boat" was a real boat!
* You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail
* Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog
* Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy
* That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn
* Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice
* You consider gluttony your patriotic duty
* Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on November 25, 2007, 01:10:59 PM
Toilet Cleaning Instructions :

1. Put the lid and seat of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that
come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and
rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and
run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,
The Dog
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 26, 2007, 11:23:55 AM
Dick Cheney hosted Thanksgiving dinner in Maryland for his family and a few key staffers.
They followed a time-honored ritual.
Before they begin to eat, they join hands, close their eyes, bow their heads and get their stories straight.

Is it just me or are the Democratic presidential candidates better looking than the Republicans?
Or maybe the Republicans are just older and whiter?
Hey, I'm a comedy journalist.
I always try to ask goofy, probing questions.  

According to a private research group, the most dangerous city in America is Detroit. Well sure, if you're going to count murders

New York City is on track to have fewer than 500 murders this year, which would be a 40 year low. Apparently the dollar has gotten so weak, crooks aren't bothering to kill anyone for their cash.


Goofy Animal Laws, Part 1

    - It was once against the law to have a pet dog in a city in Iceland.

    - There is a law in Oak Park, IL that prohibits roosters from crowing before 6 a.m.

    - In Louisiana, it is also illegal to wear an alligator costume.

    - In Alaska, strong penalties exist for allowing huskies inside school
buildings.

    - Pets are prohibited from "snarling" or "growling" at police, mail,
or pizza delivery persons. At Anglo-American common law, the offending pet would be dressed up like a human and publicly executed.

    - Dogs are prohibited from flying a kite on most public beaches.

    - Mississippi has laws against "rowdy cats" who freely roam the city
limits. If the owner can be located, he or she may be placed in jail
along with his or her cat.

    - National Park Service laws do not allow anyone to kill a bear with
their bare hands just to impress a girl.

    - In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on
the city's airport property.

    - In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

    - A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

    - It is against the law in most places to give fast-food French fries
to park animals.

    - You can't kill a squirrel with a gun in a courtroom in Canton,
Mississippi.

    - In Atlanta it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
or a street lamp.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 27, 2007, 06:35:11 PM
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and
slowly the other driver gets out of the car...
and you know how you just get so stressed
and everything seems to get funny?

Well, I could NOT believe it... he was a DWARF!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, which one are you then?"

That's when the fight started
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 29, 2007, 12:07:00 AM
BLONDE LOGIC
Two  Blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can
you see Florida ?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question
was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,
"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Title: Bar Scene
Post by: Chips on November 29, 2007, 07:26:52 AM
Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good lookin'!  How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: "Listen up, buddy?  I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean...it just doesn't matter to me?  I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-*** love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding? 
I'm a lawyer too!  What firm are you with"?  :) ;) :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 29, 2007, 09:53:39 PM
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually
find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!!

I'm sorry. What was the question?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on November 30, 2007, 11:17:23 AM
An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
 
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously.  Care deeply.  Speak kindly
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MonroeMom on November 30, 2007, 11:54:03 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 04, 2007, 08:46:23 AM
Parental Excuses

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling):

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 04, 2007, 09:51:13 PM
(Perhaps not politically correct but it’s only a forwarded joke)

JOSE and CARLOS are panhandlers......

They panhandle on different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day ?"

Jose says,...."Look at your sign, what does it say"?

Carlos sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'."

Jose says "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says......"So what does your sign say'

Jose shows Carlos his sign...It read, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 05, 2007, 01:42:09 PM
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, Mikey was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret named "DaVinci's Decadent Dance Den" and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Mikey aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Republican Party, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on December 05, 2007, 02:38:41 PM
Did you hear that the Detroit Lions went to Ford Field but could not get in.




Someone painted a Goal Line in front of the entrance.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 06, 2007, 07:02:38 AM
The New York Daily News has released its “50 Dumbest People in Hollywood” list with Lindsay Lohan topping the list.
Britney Spears demanded a recount.
Paris Hilton would have been on the list but she totally messed-up her application.


I think this could be a fun campaign if only Republicans had a sense of humor.
Swift boaters never told a joke in their lives.
That's why I predict, if Mike Huckabee wins, he'll place his left hand on the Bible, raise his right hand, and switch parties.

Holiday Dieting Rules

     1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

     2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

     3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

    4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

     5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

     6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

     7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

     8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something sweet and gooey.

     9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes; pink grapefruit and ham.

   10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

   11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

   12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

   13. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.

   14. Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

   Always remember: stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tiny on December 06, 2007, 06:33:06 PM
The Mole Family

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together
in a little mole hole.
 
One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and said, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
 
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said, "Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to
sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.
This makes him whine, "Geez, all I can smell is....

 
MOLASSES!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 07, 2007, 09:47:18 AM
Priceless

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Just then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,"Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind, fell over the coffee table and broke it, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?

I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??

"His son replies, "Oh THAT!...

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone b*tch, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on December 07, 2007, 08:20:07 PM
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

Wow!

38 cents for two aspirins?  That's $95.00 for a bottle of 500!

This dude must live in California.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 09, 2007, 12:56:13 PM
Two old ladies were standing on a street corner smoking cigarettes.

It started to rain and one lady said, ''Great, now I'll have to put this out.''

The other lady said, ''No you don't, i have some cigarette covers here.''

She proceeded to take a trojan out of her purse, cut the end off and put it over her cigarette.

The other lady asked, ''Where did you get that?''

The second lady replied, ''Just go to the drug store and ask for some condoms.''

The next day the first lady went to her local drug store and said to the clerk,''I'd like some condoms please.''

The clerk replied,''What size please?''

The lady said, ''One big enough to fit a Camel.''
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on December 10, 2007, 10:00:06 AM
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go.
You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head.
"That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on December 10, 2007, 06:45:11 PM

                         THE SHORTEST FAIRYTALE


Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "will you marry me"
The girl said "NO".
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot
and drank beer and scratched and farted whenever he wanted.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: TPoKE on December 11, 2007, 08:04:58 AM
You may have already heard these.......but here goes!

You might live in Michigan If:


If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan.

If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in Michigan.

If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might life in Michigan.

If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Michigan.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you  might live in Michigan.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: AtypicalGirl on December 11, 2007, 08:37:09 PM
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.


Ya know I've done that! One time a guy called my cell phone, wrong number mind you, and we were on the phone for about twenty minutes. And to top it all off he asked me out to dinner.....get that!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: SidecarFlip on December 11, 2007, 08:56:17 PM
Ya know I've done that! One time a guy called my cell phone, wrong number mind you, and we were on the phone for about twenty minutes. And to top it all off he asked me out to dinner.....get that!  :D

Ah!!  Bet he owes you a beer.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: AtypicalGirl on December 11, 2007, 09:01:13 PM
Ah!!  Bet he owes you a beer.

LOL actually I never met with him. Things came up and I had to cancel.....oh well!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: SidecarFlip on December 11, 2007, 09:39:26 PM
LOL actually I never met with him. Things came up and I had to cancel.....oh well!  :D

Another heartbreaker.......
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: AtypicalGirl on December 11, 2007, 09:44:29 PM
Another heartbreaker.......

lol no....not the least bit. I made another date with him, but then he cancelled....then we just lost touch. Wasn't meant to be  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on December 12, 2007, 07:14:06 PM
I received this today via PM....   one of our other posters thought I might enjoy it...   so I am passing it along....   don't know why they thought of me for this one....   

Three guys died in an accident and went to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"

So they entered heaven and sure enough, there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally stepped on one.

Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman".

The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first.

The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any duck. But one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.

The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity"?

She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 12, 2007, 07:40:40 PM
(http://wetasschronicles.com/archives/images/CityDuck.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: snoopy_1 on December 12, 2007, 11:42:01 PM
You know you from Monroe when…….

If you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you grew up.
If your family becomes divided during the MSU-UM game (or any sport!).
If at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry.
If you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
If you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your bike.
If you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
If you sometimes drive with the heat on, and sometimes with the A/C on...on the same day.
If you know how to play and pronounce Euchre.
If you pick out your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
If you pronounce Yargerville Rd as Yagerville Rd.
If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
If you know a Muskrat is something you can eat.
If you prefer stores that have Lay-A-Way.
If you consider going to garage sales and flea markets as family time.
If you see more relatives at the fair then you do during the holidays.


funny, but true
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: snoopy_1 on December 12, 2007, 11:54:30 PM


Sons letter to mom and dad, while he's away at camp. Enjoy!

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren’t any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love, Jimmie




SICK! (The original meaning of sick)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on December 12, 2007, 11:56:12 PM
([url]http://wetasschronicles.com/archives/images/CityDuck.gif[/url])


AWESOME frenchfry...
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on December 13, 2007, 09:29:46 AM
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
 
After  a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
 
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
 
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
 
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?  I will grant you three wishes."
 
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:  "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.  I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
 
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
 
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother."
 
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do.  What do you want for your second wish?"
 
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." 
 
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.  Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
 
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:  "You have one more wish; what shall it be?
 
"Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
 
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
 
The  fairy godmother said,"Congratulations,  Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
 
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
 
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
 
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
 
Then, Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He  leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...


"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on December 14, 2007, 01:37:18 AM
FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York state . .
 
"RUN HILLARY RUN"
 
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
 
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on December 14, 2007, 06:35:19 AM
              A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door
              neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and
              hours.
 
              The blonde jumps up out of bed and says 'I've had enough of this'.
              She goes downstairs.

              The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog
              is still barking, what have you been doing?'
 
              The blonde says 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they
              like it . '
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 14, 2007, 09:24:56 AM
Three girls were on the run from the cops - a red head, a brunette, and a blonde. During the subsequent high speed chase the red head spotted a potato farm and suggested that the girls should hide out there.

Once at the farm all three girls girls climbed into a potato sack. The cops came to the potato farm, looked around, but saw no sign of the girls. The sheriff started kicking potato sacks to see if maybe they were hiding.

The sheriff kicked the bag with the red head in it and she yelped “Bark Bark” so they thought it was a dog. He kicked another sack, this one with the brunette in it, and she said “Meow Meow” so they thought it was a cat. Finally, just as the sheriff was about to give up - he kicked one last bag, with the blonde inside, and heard “POTATO!”
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ryka on December 15, 2007, 03:28:13 AM
What do you call 4 blondes at a 4 way stop???



Eternity....LOL
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 18, 2007, 12:42:58 AM
President Bush said Monday the U.S. economy is safe and sound.

And if Americans will stay the course and keep spending more than they make, we will win the war against recession.
     
Which the President blames on evil Democrats who want to spend his precious tax cuts on sick children.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 18, 2007, 08:51:27 AM
A report says more and more adults are suffering urinary incontinence.
Doctors’ offices don’t have exact numbers but they do report a steady stream
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend on December 18, 2007, 09:19:26 PM
[url]http://crackle.com/c/High_Wire/Mrs_hughes_skewed_views/2041059#ml=fk%3DMrs.%2520Hughes%26fx%3D%26o%3D7[/url]


LOL cute!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend on December 19, 2007, 08:34:04 AM
Winter Statistics.....

98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH ****' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A
       SLIPPERY ROAD.

       THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM MICHIGAN  AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND
       WATCH THIS ****.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: zard0z on December 21, 2007, 11:50:58 AM
Winter Statistics.....

98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH ****' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A
       SLIPPERY ROAD.

       THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM MICHIGAN  AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND
       WATCH THIS ****.'


OK, that one was funny...LOL

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 22, 2007, 12:02:33 PM
(http://www.emmitsburg.net/humor/archives/christmas/christmas%20pictures/yum.JPG)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: housemd002 on December 22, 2007, 11:40:15 PM
where do u find these things lol
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 25, 2007, 01:52:40 PM
“Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on Strike.

Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!”

___________________________________________________________________________

Patient: “Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? I’ve heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.”

Doctor: “Don’t worry, it won’t happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.”

___________________________________________________________________________

The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

____________________________________________________________________________

A Short History of Medicine: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C. - “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. - “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. - “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. - “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. - “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. - “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”


_____________________________________________________________________________

The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”

“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”

“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
(See how innocent that was?)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 26, 2007, 04:58:21 PM
Now today's Christmas Tip for Kids, brought to you by the Toy Merchants Association.
Remember kids, if Santa usually brings everything you ask for, you're not asking for enough.


Flickers of hope for peace in Baghdad and Bethlehem, places long plagued by conflict were evident on Christmas Day.
In January  U.S. President George W. Bush hopes to fan those flickers.
Bush is a noted flicker fanner since his college days,  except for the past seven years when his flicker fan fizzled.


 “Charlie Wilson’s War” is out in theaters. Tom Hanks is a womanizing Congressman who never plays by the rules.
In other words, he blends.
     

"Charlie Wilson's War" got rave reviews as a comedy set during the Cold War.
The world was safer then.
During the Cold War, world peace depended on the balance of power between the U.S. and Russia, while today it depends on the president's blood sugar level.

   
The Midwest got a white, stormy, and really cold Christmas on Monday.
It was so bad the U.S. Weather Service issued a Frostbite Warning for Flashers.
Honest. On the Interstate they say cars were breakdancing.
Thousands were without power. Fire departments were getting calls to come out and start fires. 
     

The murder rate in Los Angeles has hit a 40-year low... even the city's best killers are stuck on the freeway.


Now that Time Magazine has reverted to naming an evil-doer as Person of the Year, wanna bet that Newsweek won't follow suit?
It could name Time as Magazine of the Year, putting Time's Putin cover on its own cover, with previous winners Hitler and Stalin looking on approvingly.


The City of Virginia Beach, Virginia, has changed the name of their annual "Virginia Beach Christmas Festival" to "The McDonald's Holiday Lights at the Beach Presented by Verizon Wireless Festival." 
Just for that, this year, no Virginia, there is no Santa Claus…


Lakers star Kobe Bryant is once again hinting that he would like to be traded to New York.
The deal might finally happen this time now that the Knicks can offer 2 sexual harassers and a date rapist to be named later.


Britney Spears' 16 year old sister Jamie Lynn Spears has announced she is pregnant.
Jamie Lynn is already practicing driving around town with a doll on her lap.


  Bocabulary Gems 
From the Minds and Mouths of Children

      Bottom Jelly - The sticky stuff mana's always putting on Bubba’s bottom.

     Cadillac – A thing that grows over your eyes so you can’t see.

     Decidement – Like, I want so many toys for Christmas, it’s hard making a decidement.

     Deperspirant -  Stuff you spray under your arms to keep them from leaking.

     Drumstick – Chicken on a cob.

     Giblets – What babies are called when you have five at a time.

     Hubcaps – what a dentist puts on your teeth to make them prettier.

     Percolator – Where they put babies that ar born before they are done.

     Rememberize – That’s when you have to say your Bible verse exactly right including the zip code.

     Rocky Chair – A chair that if you sit in it a lot, you get older.

     Sympathy -  People who play funny like the Dallas Sympathy Orchestra.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 27, 2007, 09:50:20 AM
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A. The caterer.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A. Who cares?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A. Jewelry.
Title: Re: Two Jokes
Post by: Chips on December 30, 2007, 07:10:08 AM
A man owned a small farm in Indiana.
The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying
proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"
Demanded the agent.

" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me
for 3 years.  I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus
free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit .

 

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

 

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit , there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

 

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

 The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."   


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on December 30, 2007, 10:09:52 AM
It's a geometry joke:

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept
on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept
on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This proves that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tiny on December 30, 2007, 11:02:45 AM
It's a geometry joke:

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept
on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept
on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This proves that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.


Oh you Pythagoreans...your just so full of Theorems.   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Happy Housewife on December 30, 2007, 11:40:00 AM
Some Russian jokes

A man tells his intended:

"When we are married, I will share all of your troubles and sorrows."

The lady responds:

"But I have no troubles and sorrows."

And the man replies:

"I said when we are married!"

 
                                                 

Presidents Putin & Bush are fishing on the Volga River. After about half an hour, Bush says, "Vladimir, I'm getting ate up by these mosquitos, but not a one has bothered you." President Putin says, "They know better than that."



President Putin goes to a restaurant with Deputy Prime Minister Dmitri Medvedev and orders a steak. The waiter asks, "What about the vegetable?" and Putin replies, "The vegetable will have a steak too."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on December 30, 2007, 11:44:44 AM
Oh you Pythagoreans...your just so full of Theorems.   ;D

Actually, I'm not a Pythagorean...

I'm a Pedestrian!   ;D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tiny on December 30, 2007, 01:01:28 PM
Actually, I'm not a Pythagorean...

I'm a Pedestrian!   ;D




Ah yes...from Pedestria....   http://pedestria.free.fr/

Is that MonroeMom and cc with you in the picture?   :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on December 30, 2007, 11:22:12 PM
Ah yes...from Pedestria....   [url]http://pedestria.free.fr/[/url]

Is that MonroeMom and cc with you in the picture?   :D


Nope!  I'm a lot taller than the dude in the picture, and MonroeMom and cc are MUCH prettier than those two women!  They're in the right spots, though - one on each side of me! ;) ;D ;D

I'm like a pedestrian sandwich, and I'm the meat in the middle!   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on December 31, 2007, 10:29:27 PM
2007 was the deadliest year yet for U.S. troops in the Iraq war.
No joke here.
That will come when the Bush administration tells us again how successful the surge has been.


Consider the similarities.
The U.S. is engaged in a bitter and unpopular war with an even more unpopular president.
An epidemic of nooses and immigration controversies has civil rights issues on the front burner, and an election season has been interrupted by a tragic political assassination.
Things are starting to look so much like 1968; I'm moving my Nehru jacket up from the back of the closet.


An already perplexing Iowa race became even more impenetrable today as former Sen. John Edwards blasted Sen. Barack Obama for criticizing Sen. Hillary Clinton’s claim that Sen. Obama had criticized Sen. Edwards.


Mike Huckabee hates the sin and loves the sinner - especially the ones living in Iowa.

 
“Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem” is out in movie theaters.
Beings from another world invade Colorado.
Immediately, conservatives in Congress want to build a giant fence in outer space.


Energy analysts say that gasoline will be up to $3.75 a gallon by spring.
Coincidentally, the price of a new SUV will also be $3.75 by spring.



No Joke here. >:(
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 01, 2008, 01:26:51 PM
Rudy Giuliani has decided to bypass Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina, and put all his chips on the primary in Florida.
I don't know---Giuliani's campaign is already in critical condition. 
It might not survive a triple-bypass.  (Gorsefeathers, RadioOnline.com)

2008 predictions - February: Responding to the controversy over the CIAs’ waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration’s opposition to videotaping.  (More: BorowitzReport.com)

Tuesday is New Year’s Day.
Once a year in Pasadena, hundreds of thousands flock to the Rose Parade to witness a unique sight. Traffic actually moving in Southern California. (Alan Ray)

After the first of the year, smoking in Paris bistros will be illegal.
That’s too bad, smoking was their best line of defense against the body odor. (comedy writer Alex Kaseberg)

Paris and Nicky Hilton were to be paid $500,000 to appear at the LAX club in Las Vegas Monday night. 
A small price to pay to guarantee a decent New Year's Eve for everyone in America who weren't anywhere near the LAX club.  (Jake Novak)

It's exciting watching the ball descend in Times Square.
The ball comes down .. down ... down .. then hits the ground. Sort of like the President's popularity numbers.  (Joe Hickman)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 02, 2008, 10:36:14 AM
Thieves at the Sao Paulo Museum of Art staged a daring heist in which they made off with Picasso’s “Portrait of Susan Bloch” valued at $50 million.
Several witnesses told police the robbers appeared to be women with both eyes on the same side of their face.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 02, 2008, 01:26:25 PM
Airman Jackson was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Haverty noticed that Airman Jackson was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jackson’s sales pitch.

Jackson explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think they’re gonna send into battle first?”
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on January 02, 2008, 05:27:27 PM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me....
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?".
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster".

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box and then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster".
He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then"....... he sighed and said,
"Third... lets put all these Cornflakes back in the box".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on January 02, 2008, 05:36:46 PM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me....
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?".
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster".

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box and then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster".
He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then"....... he sighed and said,
"Third... lets put all these Cornflakes back in the box".





LMAOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Normal Joe on January 03, 2008, 09:23:56 AM

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the
park every day to feed the�pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.�
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't shown up�
for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they�
ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him.�
After a�month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him.
Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed, ''For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?''
Bill replied, ''I've been in jail.'


''Jail?'' cried Sam. ''You?! What on earth for?''
''Well,'' Bill said, ''you know Sue , that cute little blonde�
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
''Yes,'' said Sam, ''I remember her. What about her?''�

''Well, one day she filed rape charges against me.
At age 89, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ''guilty.''�

''The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.''









Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on January 03, 2008, 09:56:57 AM
A Man is dining in a fancy Restaurant and there is this gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye into place.

"Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a night-cap....and stay for breakfast the next morning.

Next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!! Everything has been incredible!!!!

"You know," he said,” you are a perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy meet?"

"No, she replies....."

"You just happened to catch my eye."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on January 03, 2008, 08:06:46 PM
A husband comes home drunk at 3:00AM and stumbles upstairs to pass out in bed.
When he wakes up the next morning there are 2 aspirin and a glass of water at the bedside, and a note "Breakfast is down stairs honey".

When he goes downstairs the house has been cleaned, the Laundry is done, and there is Bacon, eggs, and pancakes waiting for him in the Kitchen, where his daughter is already having breakfast.
He asks his daughter "what in the world is going on with you mother"?

The daughter replies, "you came home smashed drunk, broke the lamp in the front room, puked all over the hallway, and when mom tried to drag you in the bedroom you push her away and said back off lady I'm married".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on January 04, 2008, 08:05:14 AM
A bit dated, but still good:


I bought a new Focus and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the Focus has Sync and the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.

The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "*** Holes!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Darn, I LOVE this car.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on January 05, 2008, 06:44:01 AM
Hillary Meets the Kids
 
Hillary Clinton goes to a middle school in New York to talk about how she's going to save the world.
 
After her talk she offers a question time.  One boy raises his hand. The Senator asks him what his name Is. "Kenneth."
 
 "And what is your question, Kenneth?"
 
 "I have three questions:
 
 "First - whatever happened to the medical Health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's Eight years in the office as President? 
 
"Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office so terribly?
 
"Third -Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
 
Just then the bell rings for recess.
Hillary Clinton informs the Kids that they will continue after recess. 
 
When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we?
Oh, that's Right, question time. 
Who has a question?" 
 
A different young man raises his hand.  Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.  "Larry."
 
 "And what is your question, Larry?" 
 
"I have five questions:
 
"First - whatever happened to the medical Health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's Eight years in the office as President? 
 
"Second - why would you run For President after your husband shamed the office?
 
"Third -Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
 
"Fourth - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
 
"Fifth - Where's Kenneth?
"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 07, 2008, 12:04:01 PM
Southwest Airlines will charge $25 for a third checked bag.
But on a brighter note, passengers will be allowed to choose the city the bag will be misdirected to.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on January 07, 2008, 02:50:01 PM
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in..... and then the trouble started.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bethany6788 on January 07, 2008, 02:54:44 PM
Why did Mozart get rid of all of his chickens?


They kept saying Bach Bach Bach! (Bawk... lol)
Saw that on the Ellen show this morning. Good stuff!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 08, 2008, 12:45:31 AM
(http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3048/H_3048_02.jpg)
See, there's marshmallows roasting marshmallows. Isn't that cannibalism?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 08, 2008, 10:25:49 PM
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I’m afraid I can’t," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on January 09, 2008, 09:06:46 AM
First Blonde Guy Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again". If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bec79 on January 10, 2008, 12:22:21 PM
This one is a few days late...but funny none the less....


How are Ohio State and Pot alike????
They Both get SMOKED IN BOWLS HAHAHAHHA ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on January 10, 2008, 12:26:46 PM
This one is a few days late...but funny none the less....


How are Ohio State and Pot alike????
They Both get SMOKED IN BOWLS HAHAHAHHA ;D


good one Bec79...   still timely enough ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: DundeeDad on January 10, 2008, 01:01:19 PM
Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do : more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

6. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

7. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

8. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

9. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

10. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

11. Rinse conditioner off hair.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower.

15. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom.

3. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.

4. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

5. Get in the shower.

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.

9. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

10. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

12. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off - Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

19. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

20. Throw wet towel on her pillow.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on January 10, 2008, 01:03:36 PM
thats wrong DundeeDad!  just plain ol' wrong!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MonroeMom on January 10, 2008, 01:40:20 PM
ROFLMAO!!! Thanks, Dundee, for making me SNORT at work!!!!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on January 10, 2008, 01:43:24 PM
ROFLMAO!!! Thanks, Dundee, for making me SNORT at work!!!!  :D :D :D


And I thought that only happened at my house.  LOL.....its still just plain ol'  wrong! 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 10, 2008, 11:14:55 PM
No Nursing Home for Me

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.  I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T. V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.


Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti , Australia , New Zealand , Asia , or name where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side -- at no charge.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on January 11, 2008, 03:09:39 PM
Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months.
> He walks to work 20 blocks every day
> and passes a shoe store.
>
> Each day he stops and looks in the window
> to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
> He wants those shoes so much...
> it's all he can think about.
>
> After about 2 months he saves the price
> of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
>
>
> Every Friday night the Italian community
> holds a dance in the church basement.
>
> Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear
> his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
>
> He asks Sophia to dance and
> as they dance he asks her,
>
> 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
>
> Startled, Sophia replies,
> 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight,
> but how do you know?'
>
> Gennaro answers,
> 'I see the reflection in my new
> $300 Boccelli leather shoes.
>
> How do you like them?'
>
> Next he asks Rosa to dance,
> and after a few minutes he asks,
> 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'
>
> Rosa answers,
> 'Yes, Gennaro, I do,
> but how do you know that?'
>
> He replies,
> 'I see the reflection in my new
> $300 Boccelli leather shoes.
>
> How do you like them?'
>
> Now as the evening is almost over
> and the last song is being played,
> Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.
>
> Midway through the dance his face
> turns red.
> He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,
> please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
> please, please, tella me this true!'
>
> Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
> 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
>
> Gennaro gasps,
>
> 'Thanka God ...
>
> I thought I had a CRACK in my
> $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 13, 2008, 04:17:34 PM
(http://www.thebeachcomber.org/images/RedNeckPalmPilot.jpg)
Redneck palm pilot

(http://www.3rednecktenors.com/images/redneck_houseboat.jpg)
Redneck houseboat

(http://www.redneck-humor.com/files/picture/42571150.jpg)
Redneck water heater

(http://officespam.chattablogs.com/archives/redneck-storm-shelter-5.jpg)

(http://officespam.chattablogs.com/archives/redneck-mirror-repair-14.jpg)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: zard0z on January 16, 2008, 11:49:53 AM
New Rules For 2008
  by George Carlin

 New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
 classmates.com!  There's a reason you don't talk to
 people for 25 years.  Because you don't particularly
 like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain
 of the football team is doing these days--mowing my
 lawn.

 New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to
 you out a window unless you're a seagull.  People
 are acting all shocked that a human finger was found
 in a bowl of Wendy's chili.  Hey, it cost less than
 a dollar.  What did you expect it to contain??
 Trout?
 
New Rule :? Ladies, leave your eyebrows
 alone.  Here's how much men care about your
 eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're
 done.

New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored
 water.  There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
 supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
 Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
 You want flavored water?  Pour some scotch over ice
 and let it melt.  That's your flavored water.
 
New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
 bigger the ***hole.  If you walk into a Starbucks
 and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
 iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
 extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one
 NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ***hole.

 New Rule :
 I'm not the cashier!  By the time I look up from
 sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing
 "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't
 want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
 who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
 there eating my Almond Joy.
 
New Rule : Just because
 your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
 make you spiritual.  It's right above the crack of
 your ***.  And it translates to "beef with
 broccoli."  The last time you did anything
 spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
 pregnant.  You're not spiritual.  You're just high.
 
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport .   It's
 one of the seven deadly sins.  ESPN recently
 televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating,
 because watching those athletes at the poker table
 was just too damned exciting.  What's next,
 competitive farting???  Oh wait!?  They're already
 doing that.  It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
 
New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms.  If I'm
 extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
 
New Rule : No more gift registries.  You know, it used
 to be just for weddings.  Now it's for babies and
 new homes and graduations from rehab.  Picking out
 the stuff you want and having other people buy it
 for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people
 version of looting.
 
New Rule : and this one is long
 overdue: No more bathroom attendants.  After I zip
 up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like
 I just had sex with George Michael.  I can't even
 tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some
 freak with a fetish.  I don't want to be on your web
 cam, dude.  I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule :
 When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to
 know in months.  "27 Months."  "He's two," will do
 just fine.  He's not a cheese.  And I didn't really
 care in the first place.

New Rule : If you ever hope
 to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
 better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't
 pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.  If
 so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you
 want fries with that?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 19, 2008, 10:59:36 AM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 20, 2008, 12:50:47 AM
On Relevant 'Logic'
. . . Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida .   

 Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 21, 2008, 05:59:22 PM
Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off when you die.

Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ***.

Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A doberman.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
When launched, they can not be recalled.
When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. Did you hear that the post office just recalled their latest stamp?
A. They had pictures of lawyers on them---people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A. Skeet. (for some it would be clay pigeons)

Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $100 bill. Who gets it?
A. The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythical creatures.

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. It was so cold this winter------(how cold was it?)
A. It was so cold --- I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on January 22, 2008, 11:11:36 AM
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man just stared at him.

The young man said sarcastically," what's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.

I was just wondering if you are my son."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 24, 2008, 01:23:56 AM
How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies, Go ahead.

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1 )  The DNA is all the same
2)  There are no dental records

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
The driver replies "Bout wut?"

Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck  Lottery?   
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

A new Redneck law was just recently passed.
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins .

" Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down?"
"Yep, pert' near took out the whole trailer park," said the redneck.  "The library was a total loss too . Both books went poof, up in flames and the governor hadn' t even finished coloring one of them."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 26, 2008, 12:13:16 AM
She was Sooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

She is sooooo Blonde...
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 30, 2008, 10:31:39 AM
A Canadian study says that anxiety and depression can double the risk of heart disease.
It's so bad, Wall Street stockbrokers are dying of heart attacks before they can get to the window ledge to jump.



There have been strange reports out of Texas. Unidentified flying objects!
George Bush once saw an object he couldn’t identify . . . turns out it was a bird.



61-year-old Sylvester Stallone stars in the new "Rambo" movie in theaters today.
In this film, a heavily-armed Rambo breaks across the Canadian border to get cheaper prescription drugs.



A cable reality show is trying to revive Miss America.
Seeking to emulate shows that actually have an audience, beauty contestants will try to guess which case holds the correct lyrics to the song "Survivor," while dancing with a 5th grader.



The Dodgers and Padres will play exhibition baseball in China in March.
It’ s to be a cultural learning experience for the crowd.
Fans will be given free programs to identify specific steroids



The New England Patriots play the New York Giants in the Super Bowl a week from Sunday..
Most of the nation doesn't care which team wins.
At this point people are just glad they are going to play the game and not debate a dozen times beforehand.



The going rate for a Super Bowl end zone seat from a ticket broker is now more than 25-hundred dollars -- and climbing.
Anybody who’d pay 25-hundred dollars to see a football game needs to rent Dr. Phil for a couple of days.



The Super Bowl is a football fanatic's dream.
A football fanatic is a fan who cares more about how the ball bounces than how the cheerleader's do



Didja hear? 
We now know the name of the woman who posed for the Mona Lisa.
Her name was Lisa Del Giacondo.
They were able to track her down through her Blockbuster card



British newspapers showed their readers a NASA image from Mars Wednesday, and pointed out a detail that looks like the silhouette of a walking humanoid.
The image is not clear but there’s evidence this creature was complaining for the non inclusion of Kucinich in the NBC presidential debate.



Two brothers in Wales are building a Jedi Church for fanatics of the "Star Wars" movie franchise.
What are they going to call it?

The Moron Tabernacle?

Geek Orthodox?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on February 04, 2008, 08:48:41 PM
Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady may have accepted the wedding proposal of a Mexican TV reporter. Apparently, he didn’t fall in love.
He was just looking for an excuse to go and hide in Mexico.

     
The highest foreclosure rate in the nation is in Nevada.
So much for the theory that in Las Vegas, the house always wins.

     
The Hannah Montana concert movie is out in theaters.
The film features surround sound.
The 14 year old girls on each side of you won’t get off their cell phones.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: illuminerie on February 04, 2008, 08:51:02 PM
Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady may have accepted the wedding proposal of a Mexican TV reporter. Apparently, he didn’t fall in love.
He was just looking for an excuse to go and hide in Mexico.
Aw. AH! er.

Yeah, that's gotta suck to go home and have Gisele cure all your wounds. This guy has a horrible life.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on February 05, 2008, 10:28:45 PM
Who's on First? - Abbott & Costello Updated with 'COMPUTERS'

      You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old
to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.? For those of us
who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...



      If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous
sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

      ??????????? COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


      ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

      COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.

      ABBOTT: Mac?

      COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

      ABBOTT: Your computer?

      COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

      ABBOTT: Mac?

      COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

      ABBOTT: What about Windows?

      COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

      ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

      COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

      ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

      COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

      ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

      COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business.? What do you have?

      A BBOTT: Office.

      COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

      ABBOTT: I just did.

      COSTELLO: You just did what?

      ABBOTT: Recommend something.

      COSTELLO: You recommended something?

      ABBOTT: Yes.

      COSTELLO: For my office?

      ABBOTT: Yes.

      COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

      ABBOTT: Office.

      COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

      ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

      COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.? What do I need?

      ABBOTT: Word.

      COSTELLO: What word?

      ABBOTT: Word in Office.

      COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

      ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

      COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

      ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

      COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with
some straight answer.? What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?

      ABBOT T: Money.

      COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

      ABBOTT: Money.

      COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

      ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

      COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

      ABBOTT: Money.

      COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

      ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

      COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

      ABBOTT: One copy.

      COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

      ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

      COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

      ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

      ???????? (A few days later)

      ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

      COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

      ABBOTT: Click on "START".............



Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: marilyn.monroe on February 06, 2008, 07:54:37 AM
Here's one from McCain:
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CATFISH AND A LAWYER?
one is a bottom-dwelling scumsucker,
and the other is a FISH
:D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on February 08, 2008, 09:46:14 AM
UCLA STUDY (VERY INTERESTING & SHORT)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry
has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can
differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example:  If she is ovulating, she is attracted
to men with rugged and
masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating,
or menopausal, she
tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape
over his mouth and a
spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Simmie on February 08, 2008, 10:32:45 AM
Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet Someone and you both have sex until you are Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner For a short time and you are so needy you will Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and You usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner For too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun In the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any More. She takes you to court and screws you In front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ell on February 08, 2008, 10:44:48 AM
Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet Someone and you both have sex until you are Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner For a short time and you are so needy you will Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and You usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner For too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun In the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any More. She takes you to court and screws you In front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.


Looks like the CIRCLE OF sex LIFE!  Good one, Simmie. ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Griff on February 08, 2008, 10:57:10 AM
What are the three words that you will always here from an accordion player, dressed in a suit and tie utter in front of a crowded room?









''Yes, your honor."


peace,
Griff
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Griff on February 08, 2008, 11:00:43 AM
I live in tough neighborhood. It is so tough that we lock the cars in our own driveway.

Last night I came home from a gig and left the accordion in the back seat, but forgot to lock the car doors.

To my horror, my worst fears were realized when I looked in the car this morning.

Their were two more accordions in the back seat.

peace,
Griff
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Griff on February 08, 2008, 11:03:47 AM
Definition of perfect pitch.

Throwing the accordion into the dumpster and hitting the banjo already there.


peace,
Griff
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Griff on February 08, 2008, 11:05:13 AM
The difference between an accordion and an upright bass?

The bass will burn longer.


peace,
Griff
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Griff on February 08, 2008, 11:07:02 AM
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?


A stick.

peace,
Griff
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on February 08, 2008, 01:30:32 PM
A study by Japanese scientists says cell phones don’t cause brain cancer.
The experiments took forever to complete.
Researchers first had to find frequent cell phone users who had brains.

   
Everybody's getting ready for the Grammy Awards.
Madonna's planning to spend Friday and Saturday putting on her underwear and vacuuming her belly button.
If it gets really cold Madonna will wear purple longjohns.
Of course, she'd wear 'em backwards so her belly button will show through the trap door. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ell on February 08, 2008, 02:05:47 PM
([url]http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3485/H_3485_12.jpg[/url])([url]http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3485/H_3485_14.jpg[/url])([url]http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3485/H_3485_16.jpg[/url])


I can see why the person would want a name change.  What were this person's parents thinking. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ell on February 08, 2008, 03:32:40 PM
I guess part of that joke is missing because the name he changed it to was nearly identical.

Maybe in whatever language that is, it is equivalent to changing your name from Smith to Smyth.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kingdiamond9 on February 08, 2008, 04:20:49 PM
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphault under his arm and says to the bartender give me a beer and  one for the road!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on February 09, 2008, 07:56:36 PM
The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. "Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster.

The accountant is silent.

"Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts.

The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate." So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows nothing about it.

Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him again where my money is!"

"Okay!Okay!" the deaf accountant sighs back. "The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard."

"What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: zard0z on February 11, 2008, 09:10:37 AM
Who's on First? - Abbott & Costello Updated with 'COMPUTERS'


That was pretty good... ;)
Title: Cute
Post by: Simmie on February 11, 2008, 06:20:51 PM
'Circumcised'

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
 
She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently
been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on February 12, 2008, 03:40:25 AM
Now open in Liverpool, home of the Beatles: The Hard Day's Night Hotel. 
Everything at the hotel has a Beatles theme.
The guy who takes your suitcase to your room even looks like Ringo. Wait a minute -- he IS Ringo!

******************************************************************************

That massive explosion and fire at a Georgia sugar refinery that shook the earth in neighboring South Carolina was fueled by sugar dust.
Wow! I'm never going to look at my powdered donuts the same again.

*******************************************************************************

Thursday is Valentine’s Day.
There’s nothing quite like having your spouse turn to you and whisper those three magical words in bed. “Shh, you’re snoring.”

*******************************************************************************

The Writers Guild of America moved swiftly Sunday toward a resolution of its three-month-old strike. Of course, it may take a while for writers to get back in shape.
You don't type for three months, you may have a problem with fat fingers.
Type with fat fingers, no telling what they'll be saying on TV.
Honest. Fat finger typos are the worst kind.

*******************************************************************************

Wal-Mart is introducing a line of upscale clothing.
If we're in a recession, why does Wal-Mart want to go upscale?
They're not Tiffany's.
Truman Capote did not write, "Breakfast at Wal-Mart."

*******************************************************************************

2007 was the second worst year ever for airline delays at 26% of all flights.
It was the worst year since 1903 when the Wright Brothers got to the air field late when their bicycle chain broke.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on February 14, 2008, 01:04:39 AM
The Husband shop

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chalemeau on February 14, 2008, 04:51:52 PM
On their honeymoon, the blond bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."

In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Griff on February 14, 2008, 05:05:47 PM
Three brothers in Dublin fell into the habit of stopping by the pub each day and lifting a pint or two and spent an hour or so each day unwinding before heading home for the evening.

As their lives and careers matured, they found themselves each living in distant cities; one in London, one in Paris and one in New York City.

They vowed to end each work day in a local pub and lift at least one glass to the good health of the others.

The brother in New York would pull into his neighborhood bar each weekday and order three glasses of draft beer. He would sit there and sip from each glass until they were all consumed. He did this evry day.

I was working in the bar one winter and asked him why ordered three beers and sipped from each one.

He explained his vow to his two brothers. I would look for him each day and as soon as he walked in, I would begin setting up his beers.

One early spring day though, he walked in and instead of the normal three beers, he ordered two beers. I instinctively knew a problem had occured.

I waited until he was almost ready to leave after sipping from the two glasses, and approached him. I said, " I am really sorry about your brother."  He looked at me like I was nuts and said "what do you mean?"

I replied that it was obvious that one of the brothers had died, since he was only sipping two beers.

He just smiled and and began laughing. I asked "why the laughter?"

He said " My brothers are just fine....."






" .....I gave up beer for lent."

peace,
Griff
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on February 15, 2008, 10:07:51 AM
The astronauts aboard the International Space Station each have access to a gun… because when you run out of Tang, it’s every man for himself.

********************************************************************************

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is out.
The layout never costs the magazine very much to shoot.
They only pay for the models’ meals.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ryka on February 16, 2008, 09:41:37 AM
For Centuries, Hindu women wore a dot on their foreheads. We finally know why.......

We knew all along that it was connected with marriage or religion, but  the
Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C.,  has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her
Wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a
Convenient store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States
 
If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on February 16, 2008, 04:43:16 PM
A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
 
Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
 
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says "Sure had a big dick, didn't it
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on February 16, 2008, 05:48:23 PM
A Nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat says,
 "Well, that's just great........That's really great..............
Some *******'s got my pen."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ms. N. Cognito on February 16, 2008, 06:38:53 PM
For Centuries, Hindu women wore a dot on their foreheads. We finally know why.......

We knew all along that it was connected with marriage or religion, but  the
Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C.,  has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her
Wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a
Convenient store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States
 
If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.


This has to be one of my favorites!!! LMAO  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ms. N. Cognito on February 17, 2008, 02:17:11 AM
I haven't had a chance to read all 19 pages so if this is a duplicate I'm sorry but I thought it was cute:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob;
"If we don't get some support soon people will think we're nuts!"

Hee, Hee!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ChadB on February 17, 2008, 02:31:19 AM
A Nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat says,
 "Well, that's just great........That's really great..............
Some *******'s got my pen."


Hey Chips,

My wife (an RN) read that and thought it was funny.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on February 17, 2008, 07:49:25 PM
Hey Chips,

My wife (an RN) read that and thought it was funny.

I am glad she could relate. :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Simmie on February 18, 2008, 02:14:46 PM
A Touching Home Depot Story

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.  When Walt was finished, Mary asked..."How much for that faucet?"  Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."  My goodness that sure is a lot exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it. 

From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"  Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."  This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!



Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Simmie on February 18, 2008, 02:17:59 PM
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?Are you at peace with God?"
 
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."
 
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
 
"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
 
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the fridge again!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on February 20, 2008, 05:21:57 PM
The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half
in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and
neatly placed one pile in front of his wife

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around
them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one
meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just
fine - they were used to sha ring everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for
them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single
bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)






















'THE TEETH.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on February 24, 2008, 05:58:01 AM
Pastor's Business Card
>
>
> A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
> house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
> repeated knocks at the door.
>
> Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the
> back of it and stuck it in the door.
>
> When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card
> had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
>
> Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
> laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
> Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I
> was naked."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on February 25, 2008, 09:58:34 AM
DRAFTING GUYS OVER 60

New Direction for the war on terrorists.
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)

They've got the whole thing bass-ackwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.


An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m.   Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-*****.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt now, 'Get down and give me ... er .. one.'

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still
hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on February 26, 2008, 08:41:17 PM
LIFE EXPLAINED ;D ;D ;D

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty
years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the
front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing
it as a public service.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on February 27, 2008, 05:59:23 AM
In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on February 27, 2008, 06:19:33 AM
CATHOLIC HORSES
 
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the fourth race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest as the old priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, as the fifth race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the sixth race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.  Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up lame and didn't even finish the race! Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?  All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy said, 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and LAST RITES.'

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on February 27, 2008, 10:43:06 AM
Political One-Liners

~ Annoy a politician today - THINK
~ If ignorance is Bliss, Washington DC must be Paradise!
~ I love my country. It's my government I fear.
~ Why should we trust the government with automatic weapons?
~ Don't steal. The government hates competition.
~ It's worse than you think and they ARE out to get you!
~ Sure you can trust the Government! Just ask an Indian!
~ Ignore your rights and they'll go away
~ Question Authority before it Questions You!
~ Civil Disobedience - It's not just for Revolutionaries anymore!
~ Power Corrupts - Isn't that what it's for?
~ Downsizing is good, right? Then let's fire Uncle Sam!
~ Stop repeat offenders Don't re-elect them!
~ We will never have great leaders as long as we mistake
education for intelligence, ambition for ability, and
a winning smile for integrity!
~ Only lawyers get to be judges, and that's the (F)LAW!
~ Never trust a government that doesn't trust YOU!
~ If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go.
~ A world without war; a dream to some, a nightmare to the arms manufacturers.
~ Guns didn't make America unsafe, Courts and Congress did!
~ Fight Organized Crime -- Don't Re-elect ANYONE!
~ This interoffice oversized air-conditioned vehicle leased to: American Association for the Abolition of Acronym Abuse Regional Group Headquarters / Staff Transport Office Pool (AAAAARGH/STOP)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on March 08, 2008, 02:57:08 PM
A dog is truly a man's best friend.......

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of a car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, you'll see who is really happy to see you!

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: AtypicalGirl on March 08, 2008, 02:59:13 PM
LMFAO BRD, that is too funny!!! :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ms. N. Cognito on March 12, 2008, 02:42:51 AM
A dog is truly a man's best friend.......

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of a car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, you'll see who is really happy to see you!



Too funny, gotta love those pups!!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on March 12, 2008, 07:01:43 AM
Gas $3.44 a gallon (this has got to be a joke)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FritzTheKat on March 12, 2008, 07:13:23 AM
Gas $3.44 a gallon (this has got to be a joke)
Sure, but I'm not laughing >:(
The punchline hits my bottomline >:(
Title: SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE (my new IP was blocked again)
Post by: BumFunkEgypt on March 13, 2008, 07:59:06 AM
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

! What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walk s around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."


NOW QUIT BLOCKING ME!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MonroeMom on March 13, 2008, 08:54:50 AM
LOL!!!! Ah, Fry, I've missed you!! (Well, your jokes, at least!  ;D)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on March 13, 2008, 10:10:46 AM
One Secret of a Long Marriage

At a meeting of the church men's group in a small New England Town, the upcoming 50th anniversary of Brother Ralph came up. 

The minister asked Ralph to take a few minutes and there some insight into how He manage to stay married to the same woman all those years. 

Brother Ralph replied, " Basically, I treated her with respect and spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions." " like to where?" asked the minister. 

" Well, for our 25th anniversary," said Ralph, " I took her to Beijing, China."
" Wow!  What a terrific example you are to all all the members of the group," said the minister.
" Can you tell us what you're doing for your 50th?"

Brother Ralph: " I'm going to get her."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on March 13, 2008, 10:12:42 AM
Ideal Corporate Mergers in 2008


FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become FedUp.

Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.

3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGOOD.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell computers will become Farewell, Honeychild.

Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women will become Knott NOW!

PolyGram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers will join forces and become Poly, Warner, Cracker.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Mountain Dew, and Dakota Mining will merge and become ZipAudiDewDa.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MomEm on March 13, 2008, 02:04:47 PM
Yeah, the jokes are at least amusing. BFE is where FF is, or should go, to whine about being blocked when he asked for it.

Gee, so were we surprised that he/she/it is back with another username?

Too bad, some of the funny people on this site had actually made this joke section jokey!

MomEm
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bethany6788 on March 13, 2008, 06:28:03 PM
I stole this one from my friend..

Why does Spongebob hate Detroit?

Because Kwame killed Patrick!

haha
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on March 16, 2008, 06:14:06 PM
You've probably heard this one before, but it bears repeating.....

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
 
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,  that you should know five things:

        1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
        2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
        3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
        4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
        5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
 
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
 
The blind cowboy thinks for a sec ond, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on March 16, 2008, 06:17:23 PM
You've probably heard this one before, but it bears repeating.....

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
 
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,  that you should know five things:

        1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
        2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
        3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
        4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
        5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
 
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
 
The blind cowboy thinks for a sec ond, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'



OH BROTHER..... 8)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on March 16, 2008, 06:22:17 PM


OH BROTHER..... 8)

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on March 16, 2008, 06:36:02 PM
Ok here's one....(I will try to tell it right too)



A elderly couple go to Jerusalem on vacation.  Sadly the husband dies.  The funeral director tells the wife that she can either pay $5000 to have his body shipped back to the states or bury him there for $150.00.

After only a few seconds the lady says I'll take him back to the states.   The funeral director asks if she is sure - knowing they are on a fixed income, had saved for years to take this vacation he pints out to her that her husband could be buried in the Holy Land for just $150.00.

The woman looks at the director and says - mister many years ago a man was buried here and he rose from the dead I am not taking that chance.



Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on March 20, 2008, 07:08:52 AM


Brand new edition of...

'You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vise on the work bench.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: marilyn.monroe on March 20, 2008, 07:43:58 AM
:D ^

I luv #11!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rick Rountree on March 27, 2008, 05:39:53 PM
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons,"

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"

(_!_) a regular ***

(__!__) a fat ***

(!) a tight ***

(_*_) a sore ***

{_!_} a swishy ***

(_o_) an *** that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ***

(_X_) leave my *** alone

(_zzz_) a tired ***

(_E=mc2_) a smart ***

(_$_) Money coming out of his ***

(_?_) Dumb ***

You have just been e-mooned!
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MonroeMom on March 27, 2008, 07:16:31 PM
(  o  )  (  o  )   



 :o
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on March 28, 2008, 02:22:40 PM
 Hillary's Day at the Fortune Teller


  After Bill had spent several days campaigning for her and lost his
  temper many times costing her votes and finally escaping from her overly
  controlling campaign manager for the evening,
  Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
  In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic
  delivered grave news.
  'There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
  yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
  death this year just after you lose the election.' Then the soothsayer
  looked up and locked eyes with Hillary, who was visibly shaken at this
  news.
  Hillary stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single
  flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.
 She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
 She simply had to know.
 She looked back, deep into the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her
 voice, and asked her the big question:

'Will I be acquitted?'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rick Rountree on March 29, 2008, 09:27:34 PM
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'Why are all those clocks here?'
         
 St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.  Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.  Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'
 
'Oh,' replied the man, 'very interesting... whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's clock,' answered St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie.'

'Incredible!' exclaimed the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved only twice, telling us that Abe has told only two lies in his entire life.'
 
'Where's Kwame Kilpatricks clock?' asked the man.
' Kwame's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: eaglepride on March 29, 2008, 09:37:12 PM
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'Why are all those clocks here?'
         
 St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.  Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.  Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'
 
'Oh,' replied the man, 'very interesting... whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's clock,' answered St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie.'

'Incredible!' exclaimed the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved only twice, telling us that Abe has told only two lies in his entire life.'
 
'Where's Kwame Kilpatricks clock?' asked the man.
' Kwame's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'


LOL
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on April 01, 2008, 07:40:35 AM
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.


As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.  And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
 

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
 To which he whirled around and screamed,
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: eriemermaid on April 01, 2008, 07:47:46 AM
LOL!  That was a good mornng joke!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on April 01, 2008, 08:26:06 AM
*Redneck Love Poem*

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie Gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry Will,
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still.

You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.

But Mama knew and said, my child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe.
You ain't no kin to Pappy.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on April 01, 2008, 08:31:41 AM
*Redneck Love Poem*
Marry Will or marry Joe.You ain't no kin to Pappy.


Hey livewire...   

do you suppose that was our one and only "Normal Joe" :D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on April 01, 2008, 08:42:32 AM
Hey livewire...   

do you suppose that was our one and only "Normal Joe" :D :D :D

Yeah, I thought that too, BRD!!!   :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: marilyn.monroe on April 01, 2008, 08:47:05 AM
*Redneck Love Poem*

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie Gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry Will,
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still.

You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.

But Mama knew and said, my child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe.
You ain't no kin to Pappy.

:D

“Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.”
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on April 01, 2008, 08:56:00 AM
Yeah, I thought that too, BRD!!!   :D :D


I would like to put forth a motion to the "Board of Directors" that we consider adopting the following for "Normal Joe's" official "song"....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QEC0D3P5nA    (if you just kind of substitute "Normal Joe" for "Charlie Brown") it has a pretty good ring to it ;D ;D ;D   Need to really have your speakers turned up though...   that way everyone who can hear it will think you are going nuts on April Fools Day...
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on April 01, 2008, 09:10:43 AM
:D

“Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.”


OMG I LMFAO when I read that!!!!
It just struck my funny bone, I guess!   (http://bestsmileys.com/lol/5.gif)

So, is there a dog, BRD?   :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on April 01, 2008, 10:43:44 AM
OMG I LMFAO when I read that!!!!
It just struck my funny bone, I guess!   ([url]http://bestsmileys.com/lol/5.gif[/url])

So, is there a dog, BRD?   :D



I giggled to live'.... :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on April 01, 2008, 10:54:45 AM
OMG I LMFAO when I read that!!!!
It just struck my funny bone, I guess!   ([url]http://bestsmileys.com/lol/5.gif[/url])

So, is there a dog, BRD?    :D


Yes my friend there most certainly is a "DOG"...    either way you want to read it ;D ;D ;D

I'll leave it at that in this thread so there is no risk of getting "off topic" ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on April 01, 2008, 11:37:19 AM
Now that they were retired, an elderly couple were discussing their plans for the future.

"What will you do if I die before you do?" he asked her.

After some thought, she replied. "I would probably want to share a house with three single or widowed women. I would look for younger roommates since I am still so active for my age."

She then asked him. "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on April 01, 2008, 02:46:26 PM
A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, 'Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however.'

'Oh, what is that, Doctor?'

'Well, you have no nipples.'

'None of the people in my tribe have nipples,' She replied.

'That is  amazing,' said the doctor.'I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.

She said, 'OK.'

'First of all' asked the doctor, 'how many people are in your tribe?'

She answered, 'Approximately 500.'

'And what is the name of your tribe?' Asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, 'We're called

   
 (I really do hate to do this to you)



'The Indiannippleless Five Hundred'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on April 03, 2008, 03:54:44 PM
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a
blonde.  The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She
dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 

 

'What does it look like?' she finally asked. 

 

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on
it.' 

 

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
and handed it to the policewoman. 

 

'Here it is,'she said. 

 

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mrs.S on April 03, 2008, 04:00:06 PM
That's a goog one Live. LMAO ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on April 03, 2008, 04:10:41 PM
That's a goog one Live. LMAO ;D

Of course you laughed!  You're not blonde!!   :D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lady Arbella on April 03, 2008, 04:14:47 PM
Ha Ha Ha Ha at the silly little blonde jokes..... >:( >:( >:( :D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on April 03, 2008, 04:17:41 PM
Ha Ha Ha Ha at the silly little blonde jokes..... >:( >:( >:( :D :D :D

Oh, don't be offended, LadyA.  Besides - you're not a cop! 
Pull out your mirror and check, just to make sure! 

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mrs.S on April 03, 2008, 04:21:08 PM
Oh, don't be offended, LadyA.  Besides - you're not a cop! 
Pull out your mirror and check, just to make sure! 

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
hahaha ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on April 04, 2008, 02:31:55 PM
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on April 04, 2008, 03:27:07 PM
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

"But what happened to your other ear?"

"The SOB called back."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ybnrmal on April 04, 2008, 03:38:06 PM
did you hear about the dyslexic atheist that didn't believe in dog?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on April 05, 2008, 06:02:34 AM
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he
needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home
Depot, Mary saw a  beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for
Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was
finished, Mary asked...'How much for that faucet?' Walt replied, 'That's
pewter and it costs $300. My goodness that sure is a lot she
exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent
her to buy, and Walt went to  the back room to find it. From the back room
Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge? Mary replied, 'No,
but I will for the faucet.

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on April 06, 2008, 08:04:01 AM
Ten winners: International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other
says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But
why?', they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said,' I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
Spain, they name him 'Juan'; the other went to a family in Egypt and is
named 'Ahmal.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh Baum, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know now, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Griff on April 10, 2008, 04:58:07 PM
After a lot of looking and procrastination, I got a new car for my wife.

























Do you think I got a good deal?

Peace,
Griff
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on April 11, 2008, 06:37:07 AM
Mexican Jews

 

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?" Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter." When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said,"I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."

 

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews." "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!"and went back into the kitchen. While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico, Our people are scattered everywhere."

 

The waiter returned and said "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews." "Are you certain?" Al asked once again. "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!" "Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter,"All we have is Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Grape Jews."
  :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kingdiamond9 on April 12, 2008, 12:13:39 AM
Guy walks into a bar and asks for their special the bartender gives him a grasshopper the guy drinks a few and then walks home along the way he sees a grasshopper on the sidewalk he gets down on his knees and starts talking to the grasshopper he says hey little buddy did you know that they have a drink named after you?  The grasshopper answers back they have a drink named Irving?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on April 14, 2008, 07:43:41 AM

    Four married guys go fishing.  After an hour, the following conversation took place.

     

    First guy:  'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.  I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in  the house next weekend.'

     

    Second guy:  'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the  pool.'

     

    Third guy:  'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

     

    They continue to fish.  When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him.  'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.  What's the deal?'

     

    Fourth guy:  'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.  When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the  wife a slap on her butt and said: 'Fishing or Sex?'   She said, ’Wear sun-block.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: TheShepherd on April 15, 2008, 09:48:39 AM
A ventriloquist decides to take  a drive across the country. He happens upon an old farmer leaning against his fence. The ventriloquist decides to have some fun.

He pulls off the road and strikes up a conversation with the old man. He sees the old man's dog and asks if it's his. "Can I talk to him?"the ventriloquist asks. The farmer tells him the dog can't talk. But by throwing his voice, he has a remarkable conversation with the dog.

He then speaks with a horse and a pig, all after the farmer tells him that "THEY CAN"T TALK!".

The ventriloquist then notices a flock of sheep. "May I talk with your sheep" he asks. The farmers answers with a very emphatic "NO!!!!!". "Why not?"he asks.

" Those damn sheep lie !"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Normal Joe on April 15, 2008, 11:40:19 AM
A couple of New Jersey duck hunters are out in the marsh when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on April 16, 2008, 02:22:37 PM
A blonde (sorry bolndes but this is how I was told the joke) was mowing her grass, when she ran over her cats tail.  She rushed both the cat and the tail to Wal-Mart.

Why Wal-mart?



Well because they are the worlds largest RE-TAILER after all!


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Normal Joe on April 16, 2008, 02:50:51 PM
A blonde (sorry bolndes but this is how I was told the joke) was mowing her grass, when she ran over her cats tail.  She rushed both the cat and the tail to Wal-Mart.

Why Wal-mart?



Well because they are the worlds largest RE-TAILER after all!




Tsk tsk...shame on you :o
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MonroeMom on April 16, 2008, 04:11:22 PM
A blonde (sorry bolndes but this is how I was told the joke) was mowing her grass, when she ran over her cats tail.  She rushed both the cat and the tail to Wal-Mart.

Why Wal-mart?



Well because they are the worlds largest RE-TAILER after all!



GROAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!  :D 

Bad cc! To the corner!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on April 16, 2008, 04:12:34 PM
GROAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!  :D 

Bad cc! To the corner!!




Hey now.....sisters dont send sisters to the corner
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on April 19, 2008, 06:44:06 AM
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6 & 12
>> >> A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. >> They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks. 'What
>> are these, Dad? >> To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are
>> called Condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex'. >> 'Oh I see,' replied the boy. 'Yes, I've heard of safe sex in health
>> class at School'
>> He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
>> 'Why are there 3 in this package?'
>> The dad replies, 'Those are for high schoolboys, One for Friday, one
>> for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'
>> 'Cool' says the boy..
>> He notices a 6 pack and asks,'Then who are these for?'
>> 'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO
>> for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'
>> 'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, Picking up
>> a 12 pack.
>> With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, >> 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one
>> for March........'


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lady Arbella on April 19, 2008, 10:03:45 PM
Ohhhh Frenchfry.....how I have missed the those funnies. Those newspaper clips, are my absolute FAVORITE!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ms. N. Cognito on April 20, 2008, 08:25:23 PM
I haven't gone thru every page on this thread so I don't know if this has already been posted or not but everytime I hear this I laugh so here goes:

Confucious Says:  Man who farts in church, sit in own pew

Confucious Says:  Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Confucious Says:  Man trapped in pantry have *** in jam

There are alot more but those are a couple of my favorites!! :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: stevens_monroe on April 20, 2008, 09:10:52 PM
 A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were
the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "Of course they were cleaned Father."
"They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells -
"Here Soap! Here Water!"



Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on April 21, 2008, 05:58:48 AM
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
 
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,'  he shouted.
'An Ambulance just drove by.'
'Looks like the Anderson's have company,'  he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike....'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving.'
'Jason is on his skate board....'
 
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed!  Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'
 
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on April 21, 2008, 05:04:08 PM
> Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that
> >she's pregnant.  She is furious!  Here she is Senator from New York and in
> >the middle of her first run for president.
> >
> >She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming;
> >"How could you have let this happen?  With all that's going on right now,
> >you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just
> >found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!  Well, what have

> >you got to say?"
> >
> >There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
> >
> >She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
> >
> >Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice and in a barely audible
> >whisper he says,
> >                               .

                                      .

                                            .

                                                 .

                                                        .

                                                               .

                                                        .

                                                .

                                        .

                               .

                        .

                  .


> >"Who is this?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on April 21, 2008, 08:46:47 PM
Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following 'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...'

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on April 24, 2008, 04:44:49 PM

    A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Dublin bar. She
    raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit.

    Pointing to the patrons at the bar, she asked, 'What man will buy a lady a
    drink?'

    The bar went silent as all the patrons tried to ignore her.

    All except an owly-eyed drunk at the end of the bar who slammed his hand
    down on the counter and bellowed, 'Give the ballerina a drink!'

    The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.  Again, she
    raised her right arm, revealing the same hairy armpit, and pointed around at
    the patrons. She asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

    Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
    said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

    The bartender approached the little drunk and said, 'Tell me, Paddy, it's
    your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
    calling her the ballerina?'

    The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a
    ballerina!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on April 27, 2008, 01:17:25 AM
My Resume......
 
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited
for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that
was too exhausting.

5.. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a
little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way
I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found
I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't
have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but
just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered
I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool
Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they
said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work,
I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there
was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to
quit because it was always the same old grind.

15.  SO, I TRIED Retirement
AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on April 27, 2008, 11:59:51 AM
A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: new to area on April 29, 2008, 01:42:54 PM
A trooper pulls over a man for speeding on the freeway, doing 90mph in a 70mph zone.

The trooper asks the man, "sir, why were you going so fast? I clocked you doing 90mph". The man replies, "officer, I am simply trying to keep up with traffic". To which the office tells the man, "sir, the closest car is 2 miles ahead of you". The man replies back, "see how far behind I am".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on April 30, 2008, 06:41:34 AM
 A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"


"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty space.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 01, 2008, 05:57:55 AM


     
    One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
    'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
    He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '
    And they say blondes are dumb...
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 01, 2008, 06:25:42 AM
You gotta read this police report.

> A True Story from the Jacksonville, Fl., Police Dept.
>
> A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.   His friends plead
> with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile
> away.
>
> About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and
> ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the
> police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house
> just a block away. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be
> right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
>
> The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets
> there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who
> might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all
> day.
>
> A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is
> there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that
> he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
>
> The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she
> asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the
> garage.  She opens the door. There sitting in the garage  is the police
> car, with all its lights still flashing.
>
>
> True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on May 01, 2008, 10:01:09 AM
On TV an expert predicted a rough ride ahead for the dollar.
Kind of makes me glad I don't have any.

The White House announced Sunday the rebate checks will be mailed earlier than expected.
You have the option of either having the check mailed to you or having the money deposited directly to the gas station.

Prince William's image may be hurt by his antics with a military helicopter.
A rich young man born into privilege who is destined for the throne because of his bloodlines who is not taking his stint in the military seriously?
Thank goodness that could never happen here in America.

McCain is calling for a gas tax holiday.
Fuel economy is not his only concern when it comes to automobiles in America.
He would also like to be able to see over the steering wheel.

Presidential candidates appeared this week in several TV shows: Obama was a guest with John Stewart, Hillary with Colbert and McCain played a corpse in CSI Miami.

President Bush named a new HUD chief. Bush says he wants to reverse the direction of HUD. Now if you reverse HUD, doesn't that give you "duh?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 01, 2008, 05:56:31 PM
TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
down sizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my Business!'
That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ash505 on May 02, 2008, 08:24:57 AM
Why Our Country Is In Trouble
 
 
For you partisans note Dem. or Rep. was not disclosed. But I have my own opinion.
 
 
A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!
 
 
 
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
 
    (On an airplane?!)
 
 
 
 
 
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
 
information.     Then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.
 
 " Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
 
  Her response - click.
 
 
 
 
 
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
 
    He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
 
    He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (LOL)
 
 
 
 
 
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
 
    I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG!)
 
 
 
 
 
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
 
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.   
 
 When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said,   "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive
 
between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)
 
 
 
 
 
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and   got to
 
Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
 
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
 
 
 
 
 
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked,  "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"   
 
   I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied,    "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it, (I was laughing ) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is
 
'FAT' (Fresno Air Terminal ), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
 
 
 
 
 
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.
 
    After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
 
   (My favorite)
 
 
 
 
 
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"
 
    I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,   "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
 
 
 
 
 
10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
 
     I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane.      She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
 
 
 
 
 
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
 
     After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa.
 
    "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
 
    I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
 
    When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
 
    (Excellent)
 
 
 
 
 
12 A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."
 
     I was a t a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
 
     "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
 
     After some searching, I came back with,  "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
 
    The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is Check your map!"
 
     So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
 
     The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."
 

 
 
 
 
Now you know why the Government is in the sad shape that it's in..
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: zard0z on May 02, 2008, 10:40:23 AM
That picture of Chavez is great...Instant classic...LMAO

 :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tiny on May 02, 2008, 03:49:44 PM
Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute, and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yes, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal with inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions...

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds...

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust...

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on May 04, 2008, 08:01:56 AM
Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After "Brokeback Mountain"


10. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

9. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

8. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

7. "Howdy, pardner."

6. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

5. "I need a man who knows how to handle a gun."

4. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

3. "Let's mount up!"

2. "Nice spread ya got there!"

And the number 1 phrase that will never sound the same again:

1. "Ride 'em cowboy!"

And let’s not mention “grab on to my saddle horn”,  okay?

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tiny on May 04, 2008, 07:16:18 PM
CDC Alert

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload
Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of
your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH
IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should
come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or
both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE ) and/or
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You
should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do
not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 04, 2008, 07:23:49 PM
Good one, Tiny.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 06, 2008, 06:39:25 AM
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?  He asked for help and she could see why.  Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on.  By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
 
She almost cried when the little boy said “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”  She looked, sure enough, they were.  It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.  She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
 
He then announced “These aren’t my boots.”  She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream “Why didn’t you say so!?”  Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.  No sooner had they gotten them off then he said, “They’re my brother’s boots.  My mom made me wear ‘em.”  Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.  But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
 
Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?”  He said “I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.”
 
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on May 06, 2008, 07:01:48 AM
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . in no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ybnrmal on May 07, 2008, 05:58:03 PM
I hope this isn't too risque for a public forum.

"It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upo n two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.' 'We can't drive.'

'Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed. So we're just waiting. "

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on May 07, 2008, 06:08:27 PM
I hope this isn't too risque for a public forum.

"It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upo n two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.' 'We can't drive.'

'Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed. So we're just waiting. "





*sitting here giggling*   
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: eriemermaid on May 07, 2008, 06:44:37 PM
cc are you sitting in a "new" used car giggling?  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ell on May 08, 2008, 09:42:51 PM
cc are you sitting in a "new" used car giggling?  ;)

Hey, you ain't callin' cc old are you? ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on May 08, 2008, 09:49:38 PM
cc are you sitting in a "new" used car giggling?  ;)


Hey, you ain't callin' cc old are you? ;D




HEY!  I am NOT old!  And I am NOT sitting in no car lot......... ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: eriemermaid on May 09, 2008, 06:33:18 AM
LOL  Just checking cc, just checking!  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 09, 2008, 06:59:20 AM
    Blonde Football ;D
     
    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.  They had great seats right behind their team's bench.   After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.  'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'  Dumbfounded, her date asked,  'What do you mean?'   'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:  'Get the Quarterback! Get the Quarterback!' I'm like... Helloooooo?   It's only 25 cents!!!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 09, 2008, 09:08:11 PM
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married. She went on and on and
on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved
and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured
over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking
the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied,..
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I fish.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 11, 2008, 06:20:40 AM
MY PRIVATE PARTS DIED
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace

"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. W allace. "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

(You've gotta love this ....)

"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 11, 2008, 07:40:35 AM
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankee, m a'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'

'Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 12, 2008, 06:07:08 AM
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me
in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping
for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down
along with her.
   
    She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell
me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from
all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that
she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't
be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more." I asked,
    "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having
just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know
so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....
    (You're going to love this!)
   
   
   
   
    "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they
actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out
positive!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 13, 2008, 06:08:51 AM
heh heh....

BEST PICK UP LINE I EVER HEARD:

A Louisiana Cajun walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks,  "Is your date running late?" 

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cajun explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cajun smiles, taps his watch and says,

"Damn thing's an hour fast."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 13, 2008, 04:20:08 PM
 A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . .






Wait for it. .











She says :
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 14, 2008, 06:13:56 AM
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a  Florida Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the  other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a  stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So,  where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why  did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly  said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're  single...?!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 14, 2008, 10:59:11 AM
High Urinals
 
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two
female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack
(Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the
supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would
go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the
men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of
them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their
pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on
to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As
she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said,
'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow
in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: monroedude on May 16, 2008, 12:29:12 PM
Why did Hillary cross the road?  To chase Bill and that girl he's with...lol ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on May 16, 2008, 01:37:37 PM
T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
 

 A business man got on an elevator.

  When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

  He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

  She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

  He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

  The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,

"T-G-I-F"

  The man smiled back to her and once again, replied, "S-H-I-T."

  The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness its Friday.' Get it,   duuhhh?"

  The man answered, 'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, its Thursday'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 17, 2008, 07:33:49 AM
Two businessmen in Boston were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to
walk by, put his face to the  window, and ask what we're  selling'.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese
accent asked 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling Jackasses.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said,

 'You doing velly well, I see You only got two  left!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: marilyn.monroe on May 17, 2008, 07:48:48 AM
lol
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 20, 2008, 05:46:31 AM

    >>> A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young
    >> boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts
    >> choking, going blue in the face.
    >>
    >> The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping
    >> him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
    >> Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
    >>
    >> A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
    >> suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
    >> coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
    >> down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
    >> from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
    >>
    >> Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
    >> boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist , gently at first and
    >> then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
    >> coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free
    >> hand.
    >>
    >> Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
    >> and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
    >>
    >> As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
    >> father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've
    >> never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
    >> you a doctor?
    >>
    >> 'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'

    I was guessing she worked for the IRS. Close.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend again on May 22, 2008, 04:16:13 PM
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United

States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and

over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.



"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."



He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark

before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.



"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"



"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a

building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a

sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood

zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height

limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.



"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the

future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear

the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be

coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.



"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees

in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists

that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!



"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.



"They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They

argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and

inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.



"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an

environmental impact study on your proposed flood.



"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on

how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.



"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most

of the people who want to work.



"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only

Union workers with Ark-building experience.



"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to

leave the country illegally with endangered species.



"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."



Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
 
across the sky.



Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"



"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tiny on May 24, 2008, 10:14:30 AM
A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper", an ice cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

    After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

    "No," he replied, "hemorrhoids."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: livewire on May 26, 2008, 06:30:24 AM
Women! Spice up your home life with this home pole dancing kit...
([url]http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3560/H_3560_38.jpg[/url])
Supports up to 300 pounds! Honey, that's okay, no pole dancing tonight.



Think of the possibilities though, Fry.  That weight capacity could be valuable information if there are TWO women on the pole at the same time....   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ell on May 26, 2008, 06:56:41 AM
Think of the possibilities though, Fry.  That weight capacity could be valuable information if there are TWO women on the pole at the same time....   ;D

I like your way of thinking live.  You're the eternal optimist.  ;D 8)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on May 26, 2008, 10:34:04 AM
16 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on & point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

5. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for marijuana'.

6. Finish all your sentences with, 'In accordance with the Prophecy'.

7. Skip down the hall rather than walk & see how many looks you get.

8. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

9. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.

10. Sing along at the opera.

11. Put mosquito netting around your work area & play tropical sounds all day.

12. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

13. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, 'I won! I won!!'

14. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, 'Run for your lives! They're loose!'

15. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go.'

16. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity:
     Send this pagel to someone to make them smile! (It's called "therapy.")
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: the nosh on May 26, 2008, 12:09:04 PM
sounds like fun fry!! i might try some of those!!  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: AtypicalGirl on May 26, 2008, 01:53:42 PM
Think of the possibilities though, Fry.  That weight capacity could be valuable information if there are TWO women on the pole at the same time....   ;D

Of course, YOU would think of that!  *:) :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 27, 2008, 05:49:27 AM
BIG PEOPLE WORDS
 

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to
the first grade.
 
 The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
 
insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always
 
reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
 
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
 
Use 'Big People' words!'
 
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
 
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
 
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
 
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
 
'What book did you read?'


( I love this.....)


Alex thought real hard about it,
 
then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,



'Winnie the
 Sh*t'.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 28, 2008, 06:16:40 AM
     

     

     

        The Pastor's ***(butt)



        The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
        it won.

        The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
        that he entered it in the
        race again, and it won again.


        The local paper read:


        PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT.

        The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
        publicity that he ordered the
        pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



        The next day, the local paper headline read:
        BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ***.

        This was too much for the bishop, so he
        ordered the pastor to get rid
        of the donkey.


        The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
        nearby convent.

        The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
        the following headline
        the next day:


        NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN.

        The bishop fainted.

        He informed the nun that she would have to
        get rid of the donkey, so she
        sold it to a farmer for $10.
        The next day the paper read:

        NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.

        This was too much for the bishop, so he
        ordered the nun to buy back the
        donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.



        The next day the headlines read:

        NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE.

        The bishop was buried the next day.


        The moral of the story is . being
        concerned about public opinion can
        bring you much grief and misery . even shorten your life.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 28, 2008, 06:21:54 AM
In a Chicago hospital,
a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the
buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.


What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things
like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside..

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.


Next thing, he belted out a yell and then he passed out.......when
he woke up, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.


'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the
ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis
is under your pillow.'

MEN NEVER LISTEN
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 28, 2008, 07:54:54 AM
>> When you occasionally have a really bad day , and you just need to take
>> it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on>>
>> someone you don't know
>>
>> I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
>> make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
>>
>> I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
>> Carter?'
>>
>> Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, 'Get the right f**in
>> number!'..... and the phone was slammed down on me.
>>
>> I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
>> Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
>> transposed the last two digits.
>>
>> After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
>>
>> When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an *******!' and
>> hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and
>> put it in my desk drawer.
>>
>> Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
>> I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an *******!'
>>
>> It always cheered me up.
>>
>> When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '*******
>> calling' would have to stop.
>>
>> So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon.
>>
>> I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
>>
>> He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
>>
>> I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an *******!'
>>
>> One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
>>
>> Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
>> patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
>> for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in
>> his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the
>> number
>>
>>A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his
>> number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******,
>> too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
>>
>> 'Yes, it is', he said.
>>
>> 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' I asked.
>>
>> 'Yes, I live at
>>34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.'
>>
>> 'What's your name?' I asked.
>> 'My name is Don Hansen,' he said.
>>
>> 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
>>
>> 'I'm home every evening after five.'
>>
>> 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
>>
>> 'Yes?'
>>
>> 'Don, you're an *******!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my
>> speed dial, too.
>>
>> Now, when I had a problem, I had two ******** to call. Then I came up
>> with an idea I called ******* #1.
>>
>> 'Hello.'
>>
>> 'You're an *******!' (But I didn't hang up.)
>>
>> 'Are you still there?' he asked.
>>
>> 'Yeah,' I said.
>>
>> 'Stop calling me,' he screamed.
>>
>> 'Make me,' I said.
>>
>> 'Who are you?' he asked.
>>
>> 'My name is Don Hansen .'
>>
>>'Yeah? Where do you live?'
>>
>>  '*******, I live at
>> 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in  front.'
>>
>> He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
>> saying your prayers.'
>>
>> I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******,' and hung up.
>>
>> Then I called ******* #2 . 'Hello?' he said.
>>
>> 'Hello, *******,' I said.
>>
>> He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
>>
>> 'You'll what?' I said.
>>
>> 'I'll kick your ***,' he exclaimed.
>>
>> I answered, 'Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
>> now.'
>>
>> Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
>> 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
>> gay lover .
>> Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse.
>>
>> I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just
>> in time to watch two ******** beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew..
>>
>> NOW I feel much better.
>>
>> Anger management really works...
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 29, 2008, 09:10:06 PM
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world,
your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and
introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a
road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional,  you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding
my invention than yours."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on May 29, 2008, 09:58:33 PM
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world,
your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and
introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a
road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional,  you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding
my invention than yours."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on May 30, 2008, 01:42:22 AM
New Office Vocabulary

     Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

     Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything, and then leaves.

     Blowing your buffer - Losing your train of thought.

     Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

     Chain saw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

     CLM - Career-limiting move - Used among micro serfs to describe the ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

     Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised
the specs for the fourth time this week."

     Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

     404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."

     Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

     Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

     Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

     Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's head pops up over the walls to see what's going on.

     Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.

     Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale, my...um...friend."

                                                      [From the UGA Humor List]
Title: Groaners
Post by: Frenchfry on May 31, 2008, 05:22:29 AM
1. Two antennas met on a roof,
Fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much,
But the reception was excellent.



2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says,
"I'll serve you,
But don't start anything."



3. Two peanuts walk into a bar,
And one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar
With a slab of asphalt under his arm,
And says:
"A beer please,
And one for the road."


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"


7. "Doc, I can't stop singing
'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
" That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"... Well, It's Not Unusual."


8. Two cows are standing
Next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially Inseminated
This morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries
An invisible woman.
The kids were nothing
To look at either.


10. Deja-Moo:
The feeling that you've heard
This bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage
Trousers the other day,
But I couldn't find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital
After a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor,doctor,
I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,
"I know you can't
I've cut off your arms!"


13. I went to a seafood disco
Last week...and pulled a mussel.


14. What do you call a fish
With no eyes?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other
And says,"Dam!"


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak
Were chilly, so they lit a fire
In the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank,
Proving once again
That you can't have your kayak
And heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts
Checked into a hotel,
And were standing in the lobby
Discussing their recent
Tournament victories.
After about an hour,
The manager came out of the office,
And asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked,
As they moved off.
"Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess-nuts
Boasting in an open foyer."


18. A woman has twins,
And gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt,
And is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family
In Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture
Of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture,
She tells her husband
That she wishes she
Also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
You've seen Ahmal."


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know,
Walked barefoot most of the time,
Which produced an impressive set
Of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little,
Which made him rather frail
And with his odd diet,
He suffered from bad breath...
This made him
A super-calloused fragile mystic
Hexed by halitosis.


20. And finally,
There was the person
Who sent twenty different puns
To his friends,
With the hope that at least
Ten of the puns
Would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Normal Joe on June 01, 2008, 03:32:36 PM
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.
"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on June 04, 2008, 11:44:25 PM
Here's a good Joke


Jim Richards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on June 06, 2008, 05:23:38 PM

 Sex On A Deserted Island!


 A cruise ship going through some rough waters and ended up sinking just
 off the coast of a small deserted island. There were only three survivors
 - two men and a woman.

 The three lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men
 and women.

 After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad
 about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so
 bad that she killed herself.

 It was very tragic, but the two guys managed to get through it and, after
 a while, nature once more took it's inevitable course.

 Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely
 horrible about what they were doing.

 So...

 They buried her.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kazimer on June 07, 2008, 01:12:57 PM
Three elderly sisters are sitting around chatting about variuos things. One of the sisters says, "I am getting really forgetful yesterday I was standing at the top of the stairs and couldn't remember if I was going down or had just come up." The second sister says, "thats nothing. Last week I was sitting on the edge of my bed and could remember if I was going to lay down or had just woke up." The third sister smiles smugly, "Well my memory is as sharp as it's always been, knock on wood." She taps the table. "You sit still. I'll answer the door."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on June 08, 2008, 06:33:06 AM


A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears
formed in his
eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders. Suddenly
she just stopped
and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what
work of God had
captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two
spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she
asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little
girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and
innocent question he
replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a
moment, then took
her foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're
not having any of that
brokeback mountain sh*t in our garden.'


Brings a tear to your eye...doesn't it.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on June 08, 2008, 06:59:06 AM
 A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

     Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.  Don't be
naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.  Here's how the
scam works:

     Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their
skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

     When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agr! ee and th ey get in the backseat. On
the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat
and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

     I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, & 24th 29th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th,
30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

     So tell your friends to be careful.

     P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for $2.99.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on June 09, 2008, 06:24:23 AM
    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

    I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on June 11, 2008, 06:20:30 AM
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on June 12, 2008, 06:20:51 AM
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,'
where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ***



(__!__) a fat ***



(!) a tight ***



(_*_) a sore ***



{_!_} a swishy ***

(_o_) an *** that's been around



(_x_) kiss my ***



(_X_) leave my *** alone



(_zzz_) a tired ***



(_E=mc2_) a smart ***



(_$_) Money coming out of his ***



(_?_) Dumb ***


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on June 13, 2008, 06:42:27 PM
St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven.

He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?"

The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black to be elected President of the United States "

St. Peter says, "The U.S.?  A black President?  You gotta be kidding me!   When did this happen?"

And Obama says, "About twenty minutes ago."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ms. N. Cognito on June 16, 2008, 12:21:41 AM
Always love your clippings FF!!  By the way do you think that posistion for the surgeon is still available?  I don't have any experience but I do have a card for Lowes to buy some tools...LOL!!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: zard0z on June 16, 2008, 05:25:05 PM
...bump
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on June 16, 2008, 06:02:57 PM
   If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks
   due to the warming weather and asks you to take your clothes off and
   dance around with your arms up...
   DO NOT DO IT!!    IT IS A SCAM!!
   They only want to see you naked...
   I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on June 16, 2008, 06:03:38 PM
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on June 16, 2008, 06:07:22 PM
St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven.

He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?"

The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black to be elected President of the United States "

St. Peter says, "The U.S.?  A black President?  You gotta be kidding me!   When did this happen?"

And Obama says, "About twenty minutes ago."


This is so wrong, but sadly enough I fear this may happen should he be elected.....
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on June 16, 2008, 06:31:26 PM
I hope not as well.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Voodoo-Lady on June 16, 2008, 07:39:31 PM
    A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too." The teacher took him to the principals office and explained the situation to the principal.

    The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet.

    The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

    Principal: "what is 3 x 3" Johnny: "9"

    Principal: "6 x 6" Johnny: "36"

    And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right."

    The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.

    Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of? Johnny: "Legs"

    Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" the principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "pockets"

    Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants"

    Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck"

    The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: zard0z on June 17, 2008, 10:40:52 AM
...
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kazimer on June 17, 2008, 10:21:13 PM
GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tiny on June 20, 2008, 08:53:51 PM
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ” Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well, once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, “Reeva, What seems to be the rush?” The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her *** in it.”

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: KLK on June 20, 2008, 10:03:39 PM
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: old salt on June 23, 2008, 04:40:35 PM
Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile.

Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.

It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on ‘route marches,’ which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different.

A ‘route march’ is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.

The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.

You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home.

I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5′6′ and 130 pounds and he’s 6′8′ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Alice

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kazimer on June 25, 2008, 01:15:28 AM
(http://bp1.blogger.com/_FBXGhy-QmVw/RpLYbCApDXI/AAAAAAAABB8/lc8RJg_Kwyo/s320/card946.JPG)


(http://bp2.blogger.com/_FBXGhy-QmVw/SGDybwoZtzI/AAAAAAAAB4A/PA2X0RvPLUo/s320/card1633.JPG)


Here is the  link for the blog called Indexed where this type of humor is posted :

http://indexed.blogspot.com/ (http://indexed.blogspot.com/)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on June 25, 2008, 06:28:39 PM


A Country Funeral

 

As a young minister in Tennessee, I was asked by a funeral director to

hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or

friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery, way back in the

country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

 

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost.

Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally

arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the

hearse was nowhere in sight.

 

The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my

tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave . There I saw the

vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them

up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do. The

workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour

out my heart and soul.

 

As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the

glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the

Lord,' and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I

preached and I preached like I had never preached before... all the way

from Genesis to Revelation.

 

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and

walked to my car.

 

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers

say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin'  like that before, and I've been

puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on June 26, 2008, 10:20:23 PM
My four-year old Grandson is learning to read.

Yesterday he pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
'Look Grandpa! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked..'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' Elephant, Grandpa! It says so on the picture!' and so it does..

(http://www.elephantcountryweb.com/AfricanElephant111.jpg)

' A f r i c a n Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mj on June 27, 2008, 07:07:07 AM
Q: What would you do if a Blond threw a hand grenade @ you?

A: Pull the pin & throw it back!
Title: On a lighter note...
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 02:48:10 PM
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell...

Then all the other bells started to ring.



Four priests are standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if he has ever sinned.

"Well, once I looked at another man's penis," he said.

"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told him.

He then asked the second priest if he had ever sinned.

"Well, once I touched another man's penis," he replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.

Just then the fourth priest pushed ahead of the third priest.

"Why did you push ahead in line?" asked Peter.

"Because I want to gargle before he sits in it!" replied the priest.



A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. During the flight the engine dies and the plane is about to go down.

"We have a problem", says the pilot. "We only have three parachutes!"

The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.

"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.

"Is there time?" asks the priest.



A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying his eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The little boy turns to him and says, "My mommy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around while unbuttoning his pants and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"



Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"



What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Lithunica on July 02, 2008, 02:53:44 PM
LOL
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Lithunica on July 02, 2008, 04:02:05 PM

(http://www.atheistalliance.org/humor/frenetics/FW2000-1112_votes.gif)
(http://www.dailygalaxy.com/my_weblog/images/2007/08/14/evolution_cartoon.jpg)
(http://www.edkrebs.com/herb/petoons36/god.jpg)
(http://www.edkrebs.com/herb/petoons35/creation_science_class.jpg)
(http://www.edkrebs.com/herb/petoons25/Bizarro34.jpg)
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 04:04:29 PM
I suppose I'm permitted to post disgusting and morbid jokes about Gays here too?
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Lithunica on July 02, 2008, 04:07:45 PM
I suppose I'm permitted to post disgusting and morbid jokes about Gays here too?
It's a free country
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 04:12:02 PM
It's a free country
The rules read: Content that promotes racism, bigotry, homophobia, hatred or physical harm to any group or individual will not be tolerated.

Why do I feel if I made disgusting and morbid jokes about homosexuals I'd receive a rebuke from the Administration, but such morbid jokes about Jesus, which are intended to display hatred toward and to disturb Christians is acceptable?
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 04:15:16 PM
The rules read: Content that promotes racism, bigotry, homophobia, hatred or physical harm to any group or individual will not be tolerated.

Why do I feel if I made disgusting and morbid jokes about homosexuals I'd receive a rebuke from the Administration, but such morbid jokes about Jesus, which are intended to display hatred toward and to disturb Christians is acceptable?

I'll agree with you on this one, but that also means a lot of a certain someones posts need to be deleted as well.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 02, 2008, 04:18:52 PM
Well, I hate to agree with you Sojo, but you are right.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 04:19:20 PM
I'll agree with you on this one, but that also means a lot of a certain someones posts need to be deleted as well.
And which posts are those? There is a huge difference between one disagreeing with homosexuality or Christianity using logical points and in a civil manner, as opposed to morbid joking.

So it's acceptable for me to find every sick and morbid joke about homosexuals and post it here "On a lighter note?"
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Mrs.S on July 02, 2008, 04:20:14 PM
Well this thread was probably, imo, started to get Sojo irritated.

At least Dan moved it out of the religion area.  It really shouldn't be there.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 04:21:45 PM
Well, I hate to agree with you Sojo, but you are right.
Why do you hate do agree with me?

People act like my views are prime evil, but they have yet to point out a real evil in them.

Well this thread was probably, imo, started to get Sojo irritated.
And I will point out its violation in harmony with rules established, and if it's not removed, then again, hypocrisy has reigned in the Administration.

Edited to fix typo.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 04:23:14 PM
And which posts are those? There is a huge difference between one disagreeing with homosexuality or Christianity using logical points and in a civil manner, as opposed to morbid joking.

So it's acceptable for me to find every sick and morbid joke about homosexuals and post it here "On a lighter note?"

It's also a violation to promote homophobia.  Oh and Lumie I wasn't referring to you.  I was referring to someone else.  I'll mention your name.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: danshaw on July 02, 2008, 04:36:08 PM
Just a quick explanation.

The "On a lighter note" topic, which started with several jokes about priests and sex that were borderline at best and certainly offensive to some people, was first moved from the Religion category to Miscellaneous, then appended to the existing "Jokes" topic.

Both moves were suggestions by MonroeTalks users. In our in-house discussion, several people suggested that the jokes be deleted. Others pointed out that while they may be offensive, the topic is one that has been a serious social issue over the past dozen years. Using humor to make a point about a serious issue is a long-standing tradition in America.

So we decided to leave them, despite their offensive nature, but move them to a topic where they are more appropriate.

Hope this helps explain the action.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 04:41:30 PM
Others pointed out that while they may be offensive, the topic is one that has been a serious social issue over the past dozen years. Using humor to make a point about a serious issue is a long-standing tradition in America.

So we decided to leave them, despite their offensive nature, but move them to a topic where they are more appropriate.

Hope this helps explain the action.
So jokes like these:

Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.


Are permitted because of social issues? Are you serious?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Johnson35 on July 02, 2008, 04:44:38 PM
So jokes like these:

Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.


Are permitted because of social issues? Are you serious?

LMAO
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 04:47:22 PM
LMAO
Dan's response is laughable, sadly laughable, yes.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 02, 2008, 04:48:37 PM
New Gay Dinosaur found, named "My-***-is-saurus"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Keith_G on July 02, 2008, 04:50:12 PM
Thanks Dan.

I think sometimes, myself included, people forget that you need to have a sense of humor about some issues.

The jokes may have been offensive to some but if we were concerned about what was offensive to some at all points in time then I am afraid this board/forum would be non-existent.

Quote
So it's acceptable for me to find every sick and morbid joke about homosexuals and post it here "On a lighter note?"

Lumie, I saw this cuz someone quoted it. In all genuineness I think there is a slight to minor difference. For the most part those jokes attacked social issues which have effected our society over time. There were some that crossed the line but I don't think all were sick and morbid.

It may be possible, I myself am unsure, if the same could be said about jokes referencing homosexuals. IMHO. If there are some that aren't sick and morbid ... fire away.

New Gay Dinosaur found, named "My-***-is-saurus"

Like that .... kinda funny.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Farmer.Ted on July 02, 2008, 04:50:51 PM
If it wouldn't start Looney up on one of his ANTI-HOMOSEXUAL tirades, I would tell Dan Shaw that I could just hug him for not censoring this freedom of speech thread!!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 04:51:47 PM
Just a quick explanation.

The "On a lighter note" topic, which started with several jokes about priests and sex that were borderline at best and certainly offensive to some people, was first moved from the Religion category to Miscellaneous, then appended to the existing "Jokes" topic.

Both moves were suggestions by MonroeTalks users. In our in-house discussion, several people suggested that the jokes be deleted. Others pointed out that while they may be offensive, the topic is one that has been a serious social issue over the past dozen years. Using humor to make a point about a serious issue is a long-standing tradition in America.

So we decided to leave them, despite their offensive nature, but move them to a topic where they are more appropriate.

Hope this helps explain the action.

Dan,
While I very honestly respect your decision to leave my post, I believe you made a small error in placing it here. This will probably be the end of a pretty good thread. Our resident saviour will soon embark on another crusade.

I would rather have had you delete the jokes than allow a good and very funny thread to be ruined.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Johnson35 on July 02, 2008, 04:52:03 PM
New Gay Dinosaur found, named "My-***-is-saurus"

Funny
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MonroeMom on July 02, 2008, 04:53:11 PM
New Gay Dinosaur found, named "My-***-is-saurus"
ROFLOL!!!!!!!!  :D :D :D




Funny, without being hateful!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 04:58:19 PM
I think sometimes, myself included, people forget that you need to have a sense of humor about some issues.
Thing is, this wasn't put up for mere humor. It was put up by someone who daily shows their hate and insults, and was just a way to throw in a jab, by posting things purposely offensive to people of faith. I don't expect you to see the truth of the matter though.

Now homosexual jokes are brought in to downplay the nasty intentions of the jokes in question.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 02, 2008, 04:58:46 PM
There are three men walking in a pasture.
the owner spots them and yells"Get off my land. Better yet,get over here or I`ll shoot you for tresspassing!"

The three men run over to the man, scared of being shot.

The man replies"I`ll tell you what.Go into my garden right up there and pick any fruit you want and come back here."
The first man picks a strawberry and returns.

The man says"O.K. If you can stick this up your *** without laughing, you may go."
The man does as he is told and starts laughing. He is shot where he stands.
The second man returns with a blueberry. The man tells this guy the same thing. The man starts to,but then starts laughing.He is also shot.
Then the second guy sees the first guy in heaven and says"You got shot because you laughed?"
The first man replies"Yes."
The first man the asks the second man the same question. The second man replies"I couldn`t help but to laugh."
The first man asks why?
The second man replies"Well I saw the third guy coming with a watermelon and couldn`t help myself."
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 05:01:35 PM
([url]http://www.edkrebs.com/herb/petoons36/god.jpg[/url])



I have no idea why, but this one got me pretty good. I laughed my a-- off when I saw it. Thanks for posting it.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: MonroeMom on July 02, 2008, 05:01:38 PM
Quote
The rules read: Content that promotes racism, bigotry, homophobia, hatred or physical harm to any group or individual will not be tolerated.

I'll agree with you on this one, but that also means a lot of a certain someones posts need to be deleted as well.

EXACTLY.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 05:07:59 PM
EXACTLY.
That means a huge portion of your posts would go too, as you often display hate and bigotry.

The fact is, there is a huge difference between disagreeing with Christianity, Homosexuality, etc, in a reasonable way, and one just getting nasty and morbid about it.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 02, 2008, 05:15:34 PM
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and a gain until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and s h e replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: MonroeMom on July 02, 2008, 05:15:50 PM
That means a huge portion of your posts would go too, as you often display hate and bigotry.
 
Can you show even one example of me being a bigot? You cannot, because I am not.

Hate? Yes, I do hate.... I hate small mindedness, intolerance, sanctimony, and holier-than-thou attitudes.  I hate child abuse, homophobia, racism, zealotry, and hypocrisy. I also hate mediocrity.

I am guilty of being a passionate--and compassionate--human being.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 02, 2008, 05:16:59 PM
My last post in here regarding the previous discussed posts, as this should be a thread only for Jokes and not a discussion or debate thread.

Sojo, I agree that I believe the posts originally intended to be offensive, I'm sure that I'm not the only one who thought so. I also agree that I found some in bad taste, but I find a lot on these boards to be in bad taste, as I expect it to be.

The thread was moved to a more appropriate place in an attempt to be diplomatic about the situation, which would allow someone to still express themselves, but in a more appropriate manner.

I will say that the reason that I started the Gay jokes was to prove to you that they could be posted on here with out being removed.

I will also say that I believe a lot of people push the envelope around here just because they want to see how you will react to it. You, yourself, have contributed to the amount of things you find distasteful here just because of your attitude, and the desire of others to provoke you.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Keith_G on July 02, 2008, 05:21:59 PM
Thing is, this wasn't put up for mere humor. It was put up by someone who daily shows their hate and insults, and was just a way to throw in a jab, by posting things purposely offensive to people of faith. I don't expect you to see the truth of the matter though.

Now homosexual jokes are brought in to downplay the nasty intentions of the jokes in question.

I actually agree about their intention (for a change) to inflame you (not necessarily people of faith. I would dare say few people here have an issue with people of faith (save you and LessGovernment). I say that because I think the general distate isn't your outward faith or belief but the manner in which it is presented to the rest of us. At least that is how I feel and guess I am not alone in that sentiment.

I am actually a man of faith, formerly highly involved in my church until a pastoral change, and am in search of a church I am comfortable in.

I also have my own set of beliefs and my own ethics I choose to live by. I just can't be so overwhelimgly uptight about all things and choose not to be. Life is too short so I let it roll off like water on a duck's back.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Johnson35 on July 02, 2008, 05:29:21 PM
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and a gain until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and s h e replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'


Funny story!  Love it!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 05:31:41 PM
Thing is, this wasn't put up for mere humor. It was put up by someone who daily shows their hate and insults, and was just a way to throw in a jab, by posting things purposely offensive to people of faith. I don't expect you to see the truth of the matter though.

Now homosexual jokes are brought in to downplay the nasty intentions of the jokes in question.


Thing is, mere humour was the exact reason why I posted those jokes. The s--t in those other threads was getting a little deep, so I thought I might try to change the tone a bit. Why didn't you just post an atheist joke?

I don't hate anybody. I do admit that I have a sick sense of humor, but that doesn't mean I hate the people I make jokes about. Funny is funny, it's as simple as that. I know plenty of racist, ethnic, and religious jokes. That doesn't mean that I believe the stereotypes that the jokes are based on. One of my favorite kind of jokes are dead baby jokes. Does that mean I advocate the killing of babies?

I would like to also take a moment to apologize to everyone who has been posting and reading the jokes in this thread. I don't apologize for the jokes, but for the fact that this thread has gone off topic because of them. I started the topic in the religious category because they were religious jokes. I had no way of knowing at the time that they would end up here. I would have much rather had them simply moved as they were originally before being placed here, or even deleted entirely.


So anyway, to get us back on topic:

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

Because it was stapled to the chicken.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Keith_G on July 02, 2008, 05:36:18 PM
How do you make a dead baby float?

Fill cup with root beer and two scoops of dead baby.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lithunica on July 02, 2008, 05:42:12 PM
awh come on ppl learn to take a joke


(http://i155.photobucket.com/albums/s319/lithunica/Cartoons/176_comics.jpg)
(http://i155.photobucket.com/albums/s319/lithunica/Cartoons/159_comics.jpg)
(http://i155.photobucket.com/albums/s319/lithunica/Cartoons/049_comics.jpg)
(http://i155.photobucket.com/albums/s319/lithunica/Cartoons/1168506803_image002.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 05:43:26 PM
How do you make a dead baby float?

Fill cup with root beer and two scoops of dead baby.


How do you make a dead baby float?

Take your foot off of it's head.



How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?

The dog plays with it more.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 05:45:33 PM
Can you show even one example of me being a bigot? You cannot, because I am not.
To requote you and myself:

Quote from: MonroeMom on June 27, 2008, 12:43:39 AM

I despise ANYONE who wants to diminish, devalue, or otherwise ruin the life experience of a person for their sexual orientation, race, creed, or even religious beliefs. In my opinion, people who seek to do that are among the most despicable creatures in existence.


Now, my answer to your post:

Now let me bring to your attention of why she must despise herself.

A few months ago when I stated that I left drugs and such at 14 years of age because of God, she tried to diminish and devalue me by asking if I owned a gun, and added that I show all the warning signs. Then I messaged her asking why she said this, and all I got was, "Because I don't like you. We see things differently."

Do you not see how she is the very thing she hates? She drips it from her lips. Her aura is hate to those who disagree with her.


I actually agree about their intention (for a change) to inflame you (not necessarily people of faith. I would dare say few people here have an issue with people of faith (save you and LessGovernment). I say that because I think the general distate isn't your outward faith or belief but the manner in which it is presented to the rest of us. At least that is how I feel and guess I am not alone in that sentiment.
People have a problem with Christians when they open their mouth. If Less and I were silent about our beliefs and truth, then we wouldn't be hated. Jesus is alright with most, provided He doesn't tell them what's right or wrong, etc. It's not merely about the manner in which it speak, it's that we speak without compromise.

The thread was moved to a more appropriate place in an attempt to be diplomatic about the situation, which would allow someone to still express themselves, but in a more appropriate manner.
The jokes were about religion, so the topic should have remained where it was. What was accomplished by moving it? Nothing. It was a waste of time on Dan's part and sparked an open debate.

Thing is, mere humour was the exact reason why I posted those jokes.

One of my favorite kind of jokes are dead baby jokes.
I don't believe for a minute you meant it for mere humor. I think you get a thrill out of being hateful and perverse.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lithunica on July 02, 2008, 05:48:34 PM
Man let it go, and stop ruining a good thread
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 05:49:12 PM

How do you make a dead baby float?

Take your foot off of it's head.



How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?

The dog plays with it more.

How do you stop a 3 year old from running in circles?  Nail it's other foot to the floor.

How do you stop a baby from running into the wall?  Take the forks out of its eyes.

What's black and blue and hates sex.......wait, I should tell that one...

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 05:51:09 PM
How do you stop a baby from running into the wall?  Take the forks out of its eyes.


I'm still laughing at that one.   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 05:52:44 PM
What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?


You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Keith_G on July 02, 2008, 05:53:27 PM
People have a problem with Christians when they open their mouth. If Less and I were silent about our beliefs and truth, then we wouldn't be hated. Jesus is alright with most, provided He doesn't tell them what's right or wrong, etc. It's not merely about the manner in which it speak, it's that we speak without compromise.

Let us agree to disagree. Primarily because I think it is short sighted to believe people have a problem with Christians when they open their mouth's; I just don's see that as true.

I've always said as a Christian our greatest value is in witnessing and bringing others to Christ. Its finding the best aveune to travel to bring them to Christ is tricky. I try to connect with people and if there is a genuine interest in faith and Christ the subject will be addressed. I will not however shove my faith and religion down someone's throat.

In your eyes this probably makes me a bad Christian. So be it.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 06:01:27 PM
Let us agree to disagree. Primarily because I think it is short sighted to believe people have a problem with Christians when they open their mouth's; I just don's see that as true.

I've always said as a Christian our greatest value is in witnessing and bringing others to Christ. Its finding the best aveune to travel to bring them to Christ is tricky. I try to connect with people and if there is a genuine interest in faith and Christ the subject will be addressed. I will not however shove my faith and religion down someone's throat.

In your eyes this probably makes me a bad Christian. So be it.
I don't think you're a Christian at all.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 06:03:30 PM
Keith I agree with you.  I have a different faith than most if not all of the people here on MT, but I've gone to a few meet ups and made some new friends with whom I enjoy spending my free time with.  The thing is, I don't care what faith, race, or nationality you are.  As long as you treat ALL others with dignity and respect I'm cool.   After all, a mind is like a parachute, it only works when it's open.

Now that's not to say I have a problem with some good natured ribbing.  I used to tell gay jokes to my gay friends, I tell Christian jokes to my Christian friends, and I tell Black jokes to my Black friends.  We volley back and forth because that's what friends do.


I don't think you're a Christian at all.

All I'm going to say to this is, wow...
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lithunica on July 02, 2008, 06:05:49 PM
I got a solution for all of you guys

The Official Site of a Symbolic Behavior Model Modification Suggestion

http://lleo.aha.ru/na/en/

Cheers
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Mrs.S on July 02, 2008, 06:08:05 PM
I don't think you're a Christian at all.


<a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxmk570YYUS%2526i%253D23%252F23%255F4%255F118%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/23/23_4_118.gif)
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 06:30:34 PM
<a href="[url]http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxmk570YYUS%2526i%253D23%252F23%255F4%255F118%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html[/url]" target="_blank">([url]http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/23/23_4_118.gif[/url])

Don't picture me here gnashing my teeth. I don't get worked up like that.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: MonroeMom on July 02, 2008, 06:34:33 PM


Quote from: MonroeMom on June 27, 2008, 12:43:39 AM

I despise ANYONE who wants to diminish, devalue, or otherwise ruin the life experience of a person for their sexual orientation, race, creed, or even religious beliefs. In my opinion, people who seek to do that are among the most despicable creatures in existence.


From Merriam Webster:
Bigot
Pronunciation:
    \ˈbi-gət\
Function:
    noun
Etymology:
    French, hypocrite, bigot
Date:
    1660

: a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance

I am no bigot. And I don't think that hating haters qualifies as bigotry.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Mrs.S on July 02, 2008, 06:35:06 PM
Don't picture me here gnashing my teeth. I don't get worked up like that.


<a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxmk570YYUS%2526i%253D4%252F4%255F6%255F201%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_6_201.gif)
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 06:50:13 PM
From Merriam Webster:
Bigot
Pronunciation:
    \ˈbi-gət\
Function:
    noun
Etymology:
    French, hypocrite, bigot
Date:
    1660

: a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance

I am no bigot. And I don't think that hating haters qualifies as bigotry.
Let's see. Telling someone you see the red flags or them being dangerous and asking them if they own a gun because they said God helped them; and then when asked for a reason of such an attack, you say, "Because I don't like you. We see things differently." That is a bigot.

Quote
Quote from: MonroeMom on June 27, 2008, 12:43:39 AM

I despise ANYONE who wants to diminish, devalue, or otherwise ruin the life experience of a person for their sexual orientation, race, creed, or even religious beliefs. In my opinion, people who seek to do that are among the most despicable creatures in existence.
Read the bold.


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 06:52:58 PM
I take it you don't watch TV much Lumie.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 07:05:06 PM
I take it you don't watch TV much Lumie.
Why watch TV when you have Youtube?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 07:09:08 PM
Why watch TV when you have Youtube?

You're right, no commercials with scantly clad women flying up some guys nose and then having a party up there.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: MonroeMom on July 02, 2008, 07:13:10 PM
Let's see. Telling someone you see the red flags or them being dangerous and asking them if they own a gun because they said God helped them; and then when asked for a reason of such an attack, you say, "Because I don't like you. We see things differently." That is a bigot.
Read the bold.



I don't dislike you for your race, sexual preference, or religious beliefs. I don't like you because I find you entirely unlikable, and I'm obviously not alone. That is not bigotry, to dislike a person. It's bigotry to condemn--especially publicly--an entire group of people for their beliefs, orientation, or race.

There are plenty of folks on here with whom I fundamentally disagree, and we are friends. I like and respect those people.  I think that you personally display many red flags for unstable behavior. That is not bigotry. That is my opinion of an individual who lives and breathes to cause controversy on this forum.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 07:19:06 PM
I don't dislike you for your race, sexual preference, or religious beliefs. I don't like you because I find you entirely unlikable, and I'm obviously not alone. That is not bigotry, to dislike a person. It's bigotry to condemn--especially publicly--an entire group of people for their beliefs, orientation, or race.

There are plenty of folks on here with whom I fundamentally disagree, and we are friends. I like and respect those people.  I think that you personally display many red flags for unstable behavior. That is not bigotry. That is my opinion of an individual who lives and breathes to cause controversy on this forum.
Because I've said God helped me? Last time you implied I was dangerous was when I said God helped me. But you say nothing like that to men who make jokes about dead babies, and nailing them to the floor?

But if I agreed with your godless views, I'd be sound. I got ya.

"Why do you say I'm dangerous?" he asked.

"Because I don't like you. We see things differently," she said.

"So, you're not a bigot, and one who judges someone harshly and devalues them openly simply because they see things differently than you?" he asked.

"No," said said. "I just hate idiots."

"Who are the idiots?" he asked.

"Those who I don't like because we see things differently," she said.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Lithunica on July 02, 2008, 07:26:06 PM
Because I've said God helped me? Last time you implied I was dangerous was when I said God helped me. But you say nothing like that to men who make jokes about dead babies, and nailing them to the floor?

But if I agreed with your godless views, I'd be sound. I got ya.

"Why do you say I'm dangerous?" he asked.

"Because I don't like you. We see things differently," she said.

"So, you're not a bigot, and one who judges someone harshly and devalues them openly simply because they see things differently than you?" he asked.

"No," said said. "I just hate idiots."

"Who are the idiots?" he asked.

"Those who I don't like because we see things differently," she said.
you seem to like having conversations with yourself
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 02, 2008, 07:29:39 PM
I think this sums it up best

Sure, I am a smug, self-righteous, pompous and self-important as$hole, but damn it, I'm right!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 07:30:39 PM
I think this sums it up best

Sure, I am a smug, self-righteous, pompous and self-important as$hole, but damn it, I'm right!
Easy to say for one who makes sure he stays on the friendly side of the world.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 02, 2008, 07:33:14 PM
Easy to say for one who makes sure he stays on the friendly side of the world.

I have agreed with you on these boards once or twice, I'm sure that makes me loved by all.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mrs.S on July 02, 2008, 07:34:10 PM
<a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxmk570YYUS%2526i%253D10%252F10%255F1%255F124%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_1_124.gif)


This sums it up for me...just messin with ya all! :D
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: MonroeMom on July 02, 2008, 07:35:30 PM
Because I've said God helped me? Last time you implied I was dangerous was when I said God helped me.
Now you're just twisting and manipulating my words. And using that creepy conversation device.... Are you quoting the voices in your head?

My statement that you keep harping on, that I think you are dangerous, had nothing to do with your religious beliefs. It came from an accumulation of personal observations and impressions of the persona you portray on this forum. I stand by my statement.

I did not say that I dislike you BECAUSE we fundamentally disagree. As I've said before, I have many friends with whom I disagree on major issues, such as politics, religion, even sexual orientation. But they are not haters and do not publicly promote hatred of entire groups of human beings.

There are many legitimate reasons to dislike you, but mainly, I dislike you for what you've done to MonroeTalks.

Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 07:55:14 PM
Now you're just twisting and manipulating my words. And using that creepy conversation device.... Are you quoting the voices in your head?

My statement that you keep harping on, that I think you are dangerous, had nothing to do with your religious beliefs. It came from an accumulation of personal observations and impressions of the persona you portray on this forum. I stand by my statement.

I did not say that I dislike you BECAUSE we fundamentally disagree. As I've said before, I have many friends with whom I disagree on major issues, such as politics, religion, even sexual orientation. But they are not haters and do not publicly promote hatred of entire groups of human beings.

There are many legitimate reasons to dislike you, but mainly, I dislike you for what you've done to MonroeTalks.
People can go to the thread "Ignorant Harassment" in the Just Asking catagory to read word for word your method of bigotry.

Don't worry about me and the so-called voices in my head, worry for yourself.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 08:04:04 PM
I have agreed with you on these boards once or twice, I'm sure that makes me loved by all.
I was listening to a sermon a few days ago by Charles Haddon Spurgeon, a great preacher of the 19th century, and he pointed out how the world will call Christians self-righteous, pompous, judgmental, etc, etc. If they open their mouth in truth they will face hatred from the world. Jesus even said, "Behold, I send you as lambs among wolves." And again, "Marvel not if the world hates you, but know it hated Me first." And again, "Beware if the world speak well of you." The world has shown me hate and has tried to make me into a self-righteous mean person, when they really have no evidence of me being hateful. They also said Jesus had a demon and was delusional.

Much opposition and attacks from the world are not always a sign a man is really self-righteous or a hypocrite. It can mean just the opposite.

Being I mentioned Spurgeon, I am reminded that many who hated him without real cause called him arrogant, proud, self-righteous, pompous. Why? "Marvel not if the world hates you."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 08:12:32 PM
Hey Dan. You didn't see this coming?

While I'm still glad you chose not to delete the jokes, I still think you made a bad decision by putting them here. You should have let them stand alone in their own thread so as not to ruin this one.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Keith_G on July 02, 2008, 08:16:38 PM
I don't think you're a Christian at all.

You've brought your self righeousness to a whole new level and I completely feel that you said that only to get a rise out of me.

I am a much more private Christian now a days than I used to be when I realized that churches seemed to be operating more as a for profit business than as a place for Holy Worship. That however is not to say that I haven't still used the church as a device in order to find means to outreach to others.

Most recently, this past winter, through IHN network my father and I helped a homeless woman and her child find a home (through LMHA) that was on the bus lines (so she oculd get to work) and provide a life for her and her child. I don't talk about it because it was an effort to help someone else, through the guiding light of Christ, and to better their life. We obtained donations of furniture, clothes, groceries, and more for this woman of nothing. I even obtained trucks from work in order to move these belongings to her new home.

I spent two summers on the Cherokee reservations outside of Robinsville, NC performing mission work and talking about our Christianity with the Cherokee. It was a joint learning experience for all involved. The Trails of Tears is a very sad story and you can only imagine the pain and devastation that is felt from the Cherokee nation. I was 17 and 18 years old on those trips.

From the ages of 12-16 I performed mission work in the poorest areas of Appalachia (Dungannon, VA) and we routinely went down to visit with many of the folk we met through our mission with Christ. At ages 19 and 20 we performed work in Kentucky (Frakes and Homes).

I have raised money for the Cherry Street Mission and have volunteered my time to talk about Christ and to serve meals down there.

I may not be what you call a Christian and quite honestly I don't want to be your type of Christian. If I ever find myself to be so mean spirited, bigoted, asinine, crass, rude, and otherwise I would want to disassociate myself from those things that led me to be that way.

Simply because I am not like you, preaching and rambling around banging my fist on the pulpit, does not make me a non-Christian. Furthermore, I don't have to answer to you about my relationship with the Lord as the last time I checked (in my Bible) he was judge and jury. You think you know the best (and apparently only) path to Heaven and for your soul's sake I hope to God you're right because if not I don't think Satan is going to know what to do with you.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: MonroeMom on July 02, 2008, 08:20:47 PM
People can go to the thread "Ignorant Harassment" in the Just Asking catagory to read word for word your method of bigotry.
You mean the thread you started one night when you were not in the spotlight? The one where you PM'd me to solicit my honest opinions (the truth can be painful), then turned around and posted the contents of my private messages to you just to spark a new controversy?

Yes, I've opened both barrels on you, because I could see then what you were trying to do to this forum. I've spent a year as one of many who built MT to the fun place it once was. When you showed up, I went on the offense because I didn't want you to spoil it. But I have failed.

MT used to be fun, but so many of the original voices have faded away, primarily because of YOU. You blanket the board with posts, you pound your pulpit incessantly, and you offend nearly everyone. And you get great pleasure from that.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bethany6788 on July 02, 2008, 08:23:24 PM
Well put Keith.
I agree that a person's relationship with God is just that. THEIRS.  :)
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 08:34:14 PM
You've brought your self righeousness to a whole new level and I completely feel that you said that only to get a rise out of me.

I am a much more private Christian now a days than I used to be when I realized that churches seemed to be operating more as a for profit business than as a place for Holy Worship. That however is not to say that I haven't still used the church as a device in order to find means to outreach to others.

Most recently, this past winter, through IHN network my father and I helped a homeless woman and her child find a home (through LMHA) that was on the bus lines (so she oculd get to work) and provide a life for her and her child. I don't talk about it because it was an effort to help someone else, through the guiding light of Christ, and to better their life. We obtained donations of furniture, clothes, groceries, and more for this woman of nothing. I even obtained trucks from work in order to move these belongings to her new home.

I spent two summers on the Cherokee reservations outside of Robinsville, NC performing mission work and talking about our Christianity with the Cherokee. It was a joint learning experience for all involved. The Trails of Tears is a very sad story and you can only imagine the pain and devastation that is felt from the Cherokee nation. I was 17 and 18 years old on those trips.

From the ages of 12-16 I performed mission work in the poorest areas of Appalachia (Dungannon, VA) and we routinely went down to visit with many of the folk we met through our mission with Christ. At ages 19 and 20 we performed work in Kentucky (Frakes and Homes).

I have raised money for the Cherry Street Mission and have volunteered my time to talk about Christ and to serve meals down there.

I may not be what you call a Christian and quite honestly I don't want to be your type of Christian. If I ever find myself to be so mean spirited, bigoted, asinine, crass, rude, and otherwise I would want to disassociate myself from those things that led me to be that way.

Simply because I am not like you, preaching and rambling around banging my fist on the pulpit, does not make me a non-Christian. Furthermore, I don't have to answer to you about my relationship with the Lord as the last time I checked (in my Bible) he was judge and jury. You think you know the best (and apparently only) path to Heaven and for your soul's sake I hope to God you're right because if not I don't think Satan is going to know what to do with you.
That's great you've done some good works. So you do good works when away from the forum, but try to prove other Christians have split personalities online? Whatever makes you feel purpose, I suppose.

I said that I don't believe you're a Christian at all, and I based that on what I've read from you here, but it is true only God truly knows in this matter.

Do you believe Christ is the only way to the Father? Do you trust in Christ's death as the atonement for your sins? Do you truly know the person of Christ? If so, then I can't say you'd perish in the end, but I do question you by what I've observed, just as you question me.

You say I am rude, mean, etc, while all the time you try to make one fighting for decency out to be mentally ill, self-righteous, etc. You, Keith, are a strange one to me. I don't doubt you're easy to get along with in person though.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 08:37:28 PM
You mean the thread you started one night when you were not in the spotlight? The one where you PM'd me to solicit my honest opinions (the truth can be painful), then turned around and posted the contents of my private messages to you just to spark a new controversy?

Yes, I've opened both barrels on you, because I could see then what you were trying to do to this forum. I've spent a year as one of many who built MT to the fun place it once was. When you showed up, I went on the offense because I didn't want you to spoil it. But I have failed.

MT used to be fun, but so many of the original voices have faded away, primarily because of YOU. You blanket the board with posts, you pound your pulpit incessantly, and you offend nearly everyone. And you get great pleasure from that.
So you saw the Christian who voiced his beliefs come along and had to attempt to keep him at bay?

"A Christian! He may ruin our fun!" she cried.

"What!? I will die for my right to speak sexually perverse on an internet family forum!" said the man.

Lol... oy...
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 08:37:40 PM
Hey Dan. You didn't see this coming?

While I'm still glad you chose not to delete the jokes, I still think you made a bad decision by putting them here. You should have let them stand alone in their own thread so as not to ruin this one.

How do you get 50 dead babies in a bucket?  A blender

How do you get them out? Fritos Scoops.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bethany6788 on July 02, 2008, 08:38:18 PM


Ewww Shaggy!!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 08:40:37 PM
I have ones that I don't feel comfortable putting here so watch out.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bethany6788 on July 02, 2008, 08:41:09 PM
I have ones that I don't feel comfortable putting here so watch out.


Always.. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 08:44:06 PM
What do you call a fly without wings?  A walk

Two tuba players walk past a bar....Hey, it could happen.

"Ask me if I'm George Washington."
"Are you George Washington?"




"No"


See I told you they get worse.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 08:44:39 PM
What's red and dances all around?

A baby on a barbecue.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MonroeGal on July 02, 2008, 08:44:56 PM
What do you call a fly without wings?  A walk

Two tuba players walk past a bar....Hey, it could happen.

"Ask me if I'm George Washington."
"Are you George Washington?"




"No"


See I told you they get worse.

LMAO!!!  :D Nice dear.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 08:45:04 PM
What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?

Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Keith_G on July 02, 2008, 08:45:19 PM
That's great you've done some good works. So you do good works when away from the forum, but try to prove other Christians have split personalities online? Whatever makes you feel purpose, I suppose.

I said that I don't believe you're a Christian at all, and I based that on what I've read from you here, but it is true only God truly knows in this matter.

Do you believe Christ is the only way to the Father? Do you trust in Christ's death as the atonement for your sins? Do you truly know the person of Christ? If so, then I can't say you'd perish in the end, but I do question you by what I've observed, just as you question me.

You say I am rude, mean, etc, while all the time you try to make one fighting for decency out to be mentally ill, self-righteous, etc. You, Keith, are a strange one to me. I don't doubt you're easy to get along with in person though.

I've done good on this forum but, like you have accused me, you only see what you want to.

Like Lethl, I have defended you and your position before.

I didn't come here to make friends ... it just so happens I did. Tomorrow, I'll finally get to meet one of my board favorites for the first time.

I am not difficult to get a long with and while I still feel you come across as self righteous I never meant to imply you were mentally ill and apologized for it back when it happened.

So good luck guy ... I was really starting to come around with you when you just dropped it and had silly, meaningless fun here. This place is chill and should be that way always. Perhaps you can ramp it up twice a year for a week like 'sweeps' and go on hiatus during the summer?  :P
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 09:05:54 PM
How do you make an 8 year old cry twice.....nope.....better not do that one either.......
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lady Arbella on July 02, 2008, 09:06:09 PM
It's June, time for people to get married...
[
And on the opposite side...
([url]http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3565/H_3565_48.jpg[/url])
...the DeLong-Bohner wedding...



NO fricken WAY!!! I am DYING.....OMG! It does not say that.... :D :D :D How could they put that in the paper..... ??? :D

And in my mind I am saying with a French accent....I am doubled over laughing with tears rolling down my face....... :D :D :D

This is toooo great! I am sooo not going into those other threads tonight and messing up this happy moment..... :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 09:17:36 PM
How do you make an 8 year old cry twice.....nope.....better not do that one either.......

Come on now.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 09:29:09 PM
Come on now.

I gave you the answer through PM.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 09:29:34 PM
Oh, goody..Dead baby jokes..gotta have those..nothing makes a party like dead baby jokes.

I remember this guy at work, told me a dead baby joke, when Mrs was pregnant...laughs all around...I shoved him against a truck and told him if he wanted to keep his teeth in his head he'd refrain from such humor in the future. I suppose I was a bit sensitive then, considering.   

I just don't see the humor, sorry.   
I like you.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mrs.S on July 02, 2008, 09:30:27 PM
Oh, goody..Dead baby jokes..gotta have those..nothing makes a party like dead baby jokes.

I remember this guy at work, told me a dead baby joke, when Mrs was pregnant...laughs all around...I shoved him against a truck and told him if he wanted to keep his teeth in his head he'd refrain from such humor in the future. I suppose I was a bit sensitive then, considering.   

I just don't see the humor, sorry.   


Awwwww.....you are so sweet Squonkie-Poo!

<a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxmk570YYUS%2526i%253D36%252F36%255F3%255F18%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_3_18.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 02, 2008, 09:31:58 PM
Okay…..How did Jeremy learn to put on his underwear?


Brown in the back and yellow in the front   :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 09:32:24 PM
I gave you the answer through PM.


You're a sick f---, but I laughed pretty hard, so I must be too.   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mrs.S on July 02, 2008, 09:34:04 PM
Okay…..How did Jeremy learn to put on his underwear?


Brown in the back and yellow in the front   :D



OMFG!!! LMFAO!

<a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxmk570YYUS%2526i%253D36%252F36%255F11%255F6%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_11_6.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lady Arbella on July 02, 2008, 09:34:46 PM
Oh, goody..Dead baby jokes..gotta have those..nothing makes a party like dead baby jokes.

I remember this guy at work, told me a dead baby joke, when Mrs was pregnant...laughs all around...I shoved him against a truck and told him if he wanted to keep his teeth in his head he'd refrain from such humor in the future. I suppose I was a bit sensitive then, considering.   

I just don't see the humor, sorry.   

I agree, Squonk. I have never seen the humor in dead baby jokes.  :-\

I too, have been known to mess up a few dudes over them too..... ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 09:35:53 PM

You're a sick f---, but I laughed pretty hard, so I must be too.   ;D

Yeah I am.  I never claimed not to be, but I know the time and the place.  At least I have enough sense not to post them here.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 09:36:44 PM
I'll PM you another if you want.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ChadB on July 02, 2008, 09:37:28 PM
I agree, Squonk. I have never seen the humor in dead baby jokes.  :-\

I too, have been known to mess up a few dudes over them too..... ;)

You know we have a little girl who was a baby not long ago, and today I listened to a co-worker gush about how thrilled he is that his wife is pregnant...then I read that crap here.  Some people's sense of humor, sense of tact, completely baffle me.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 09:39:23 PM
I'll PM you another if you want.


Shoot. There's no such thing as too many jokes.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 09:39:39 PM
Awwwww.....you are so sweet Squonkie-Poo!

<a href="[url]http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxmk570YYUS%2526i%253D36%252F36%255F3%255F18%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html[/url]" target="_blank">([url]http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_3_18.gif[/url])

I can see why Squonk did that. I am not a violent person, but I can see why someone would get beat down for telling dead baby jokes. I would feel no pity for the one who received physical punishment for that. I suppose, sometimes there is more than one way to exercise a demon.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 09:41:24 PM
You know we have a little girl who was a baby not long ago, and today I listened to a co-worker gush about how thrilled he is that his wife is pregnant...then I read that crap here.  Some people's sense of humor, sense of tact, completely baffle me.

I have very little tact, but what I have I keep.  I hear those aren't funny if you have a kid, but Keith likes em so I guess there's exceptions to every rule.

I can see why Squonk did that. I am not a violent person, but I can see why someone would get beat down for telling dead baby jokes. I would feel no pity for the one who received physical punishment for that. I suppose, sometimes there is more than one way to exercise a demon.

I didn't start it, but I understand.  I never tell those jokes in front of women or me who have children.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 09:42:37 PM
I can see why Squonk did that. I am not a violent person, but I can see why someone would get beat down for telling dead baby jokes. I would feel no pity for the one who received physical punishment for that. I suppose, sometimes there is more than one way to exercise a demon.


Well that's not very Christian of you Mr. Preacher Man.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 09:45:16 PM
You know we have a little girl who was a baby not long ago, and today I listened to a co-worker gush about how thrilled he is that his wife is pregnant...then I read that crap here.  Some people's sense of humor, sense of tact, completely baffle me.


I have a beautiful little 5 year old girl. She is by far the most precious thing in my life. However, funny is funny, and I love me some good dead baby jokes.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 09:46:12 PM
Okay…..How did Jeremy learn to put on his underwear?

Brown in the back and yellow in the front   :D
O no he didn't!  :P

Yo Momma so fat she is in both sides the family!

Yo Momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!

Yo Momma so fat she bungee jumped straight to Hell!

Yo Momma so fat when she sat on Job, he said, "The thing I feared worst has come upon me!"

Yo Momma so ugly went she got in the bath, the bath water jumped out!

Yo Momma so hairy you got carpet burn when born!

Yo Momma so ugly when God saw her, He said, "O Myself!"

That's how we took care of jokers back in the day.  :P


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 09:47:45 PM
How do you keep two oboes in tune?  Shoot one.

What do you do with someone who can't play an instrument?  Give em two sticks and call him a percussionist.  
What do you do if they can't do that?  Take away a stick, throw em in the front and call them a conductor.


I have a beautiful little 5 year old girl. She is by far the most precious thing in my life. However, funny is funny, and I love me some good dead baby jokes.

Thanks Buz
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 09:48:29 PM

Well that's not very Christian of you Mr. Preacher Man.
I remember hearing a story a Pastor on the radio told. He said he was walking down the stairs somewhere and a man attacked him so he shoved the guy down the stairs. Then he said, "There is more than one way to cast out a demon." Not very Christian like, eh?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lady Arbella on July 02, 2008, 09:51:11 PM

Well that's not very Christian of you Mr. Preacher Man.

You know, Buz....being a 'Christian' isn't all rainbows and sunshine. As someone who believes in God...I can honestly say that I like to be witness to a good *** whooping every once in a while..... ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 09:52:47 PM
What do you do with someone who can't play an instrument?  Give em two sticks and call him a percussionist.  

What do you do if they can't do that?  Take away a stick, throw em in the front and call them a conductor.
I should give you the book called, "The Modern Conductor." Looks easy, I know, but those guys are usually extremely knowledgable and are the reason why a hundred people can play together nicely. Sometimes you see shows where kids are conducting like it's something easy. They be trippin.
You know, Buz....being a 'Christian' isn't all rainbows and sunshine. As someone who believes in God...I can honestly say that I like to be witness to a good *** whooping every once in a while..... ;D
Are you Chuck Liddell's Mom?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lady Arbella on July 02, 2008, 09:56:55 PM
I should give you the book called, "The Modern Conductor." Looks easy, I know, but those guys are usually extremely knowledgable and are the reason why a hundred people can play together nicely. Sometimes you see shows where kids are conducting like it's something easy. They be trippin. Are you Chuck Liddell's Mom?

I'm insulted...I am not OLD enough to be Chuck Liddell's mom.... :P  :D BUT I do LOVE to watch him fight....however not so much these days..... :( Nothing like watching a little Extreme Fighting..... ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 09:58:39 PM
I should give you the book called, "The Modern Conductor." Looks easy, I know, but those guys are usually extremely knowledgable and are the reason why a hundred people can play together nicely. Sometimes you see shows where kids are conducting like it's something easy. They be trippin. Are you Chuck Liddell's Mom?


It's a BAND joke.  I know conducting is hard.  I've tried it a few times, but then again I am but the lowly tuba player...and yes I know Daniel Perintucci........that guy can play Carnival of Venice on that instrument.


I'm insulted...I am not OLD enough to be Chuck Liddell's mom.... :P  :D BUT I do LOVE to watch him fight....however not so much these days..... :( Nothing like watching a little Extreme Fighting..... ;D

Hun you're too young to be his older sister.....
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 10:03:43 PM
You know, Buz....being a 'Christian' isn't all rainbows and sunshine.

It's frightening to think about just how accurate that statement is.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lady Arbella on July 02, 2008, 10:03:58 PM


Hun you're too young to be his older sister.....

Thank you, Shaggy.... ;D

And besides, I would have such a hard time watching someone who was close to me get pounded on so much that they develop 'cauliflower ear'..... :(
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 10:07:23 PM
Thank you, Shaggy.... ;D

And besides, I would have such a hard time watching someone who was close to me get pounded on so much that they develop 'cauliflower ear'..... :(

Yeah, I prize my ears too much to do that, but for defending a womans honor I'd do it in a heartbeat.  Money is a different story though.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lady Arbella on July 02, 2008, 10:08:20 PM
It's frightening to think about just how accurate that statement is.

Nahhhh....not frightening at all, at least where (for lack of a better term) 'mainstream believers' are concerned. I can assure you that I am not the least bit frightening ....unless provoked..... >:( :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bethany6788 on July 02, 2008, 10:09:33 PM
Nahhhh....not frightening at all, at least where (for lack of a better term) 'mainstream believers' are concerned. I can assure you that I am not the least bit frightening ....unless provoked..... >:( :D :D



Oooh I will provoke you, if you insist..  ;) :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 10:11:05 PM
I'm insulted...I am not OLD enough to be Chuck Liddell's mom.... :P  :D BUT I do LOVE to watch him fight....however not so much these days..... :( Nothing like watching a little Extreme Fighting..... ;D
Oh! Did I say Mom? I meant Daughter.  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lady Arbella on July 02, 2008, 10:12:25 PM


Oooh I will provoke you, if you insist..  ;) :D

Hey! You KNOW what happens when I am provoked...... I will bust out in my kung-foo action and then proceed to steal ALL of the cheese sticks.......:D :D
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: MonroeMom on July 02, 2008, 10:12:31 PM
So you saw the Christian who voiced his beliefs come along and had to attempt to keep him at bay?

"A Christian! He may ruin our fun!" she cried.

"What!? I will die for my right to speak sexually perverse on an internet family forum!" said the man.

Lol... oy...
How many different words did you just put in my mouth? You're a manipulator and that's part of what makes you dangerous. Some weaker souls will believe the things you say. You only want conformity to your narrow minded values, and you utterly disgust me with your self righteous hypocrisy.



Some good news for my Love-to-Hate-Me's.... I'm leaving the forum. I cannot in good conscience be funny and friendly while others preach intolerance and hatred, and continually shove their monochromatic beliefs, values, and opinions down the throats of everyone else.

I have been my natural self on this forum. The people who’ve read MT for any length of time know my true and complete nature. I’ve never sought to compete in a Nice Off, but I’m unafraid to say exactly what I intend, good or bad, online and in person. I’m comfortable in my skin.

To those of you who have supported me or taken heat on my behalf, thank you, my friends. To those of you with whom I’ve clashed, I apologize for absolutely nothing. Every single word I have said to you will stand.

I’m proud to have been a part of this forum for so long. I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. Best of luck.

Dan/Admins, please remove my user ID.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lady Arbella on July 02, 2008, 10:13:22 PM
Oh! Did I say Mom? I meant Daughter.  ;)

Now THAT is more like it!...... ;) :D :D
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 10:15:28 PM
How many different words did you just put in my mouth? You're a manipulator and that's part of what makes you dangerous. Some weaker souls will believe the things you say. You only want conformity to your narrow minded values, and you utterly disgust me with your self righteous hypocrisy.



Some good news for my Love-to-Hate-Me's.... I'm leaving the forum. I cannot in good conscience be funny and friendly while others preach intolerance and hatred, and continually shove their monochromatic beliefs, values, and opinions down the throats of everyone else.

I have been my natural self on this forum. The people who’ve read MT for any length of time know my true and complete nature. I’ve never sought to compete in a Nice Off, but I’m unafraid to say exactly what I intend, good or bad, online and in person. I’m comfortable in my skin.

To those of you who have supported me or taken heat on my behalf, thank you, my friends. To those of you with whom I’ve clashed, I apologize for absolutely nothing. Every single word I have said to you will stand.

I’m proud to have been a part of this forum for so long. I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. Best of luck.

Dan/Admins, please remove my user ID.



Chill hun.  Don't let ANYONE ruin your good time....please....
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 02, 2008, 10:20:51 PM
I thought this was a joke thread.


What do you name a baby with no arms and no legs laying on your porch?

Matt.



What do you name a baby pinned to your wall?

Art.



Why is there always hot water at childbirth?

In case of a stillbirth, soup.



What do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender?

Hold on. I'll tell you in a second.



What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?

Crib death.



How do you prevent a baby from exploding in the microwave?

Poke holes in it with a fork.



And my favorite dead baby joke ever:

What's harder to do than nailing a dead baby to a tree?

Nailing it to a dead puppy.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: ell on July 02, 2008, 10:22:12 PM
How many different words did you just put in my mouth? You're a manipulator and that's part of what makes you dangerous. Some weaker souls will believe the things you say. You only want conformity to your narrow minded values, and you utterly disgust me with your self righteous hypocrisy.



Some good news for my Love-to-Hate-Me's.... I'm leaving the forum. I cannot in good conscience be funny and friendly while others preach intolerance and hatred, and continually shove their monochromatic beliefs, values, and opinions down the throats of everyone else.

I have been my natural self on this forum. The people who’ve read MT for any length of time know my true and complete nature. I’ve never sought to compete in a Nice Off, but I’m unafraid to say exactly what I intend, good or bad, online and in person. I’m comfortable in my skin.

To those of you who have supported me or taken heat on my behalf, thank you, my friends. To those of you with whom I’ve clashed, I apologize for absolutely nothing. Every single word I have said to you will stand.

I’m proud to have been a part of this forum for so long. I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. Best of luck.

Dan/Admins, please remove my user ID.



I am so sorry it has come to this.  I hope you reconsider, as I am sure many other posters do.  Don't let the trolls run you off, MM.  Just don't respond to them.  Don't give them the satisfaction of an iggy.  Just post like they weren't there.  I hope you reconsider, although I know you have given this a lot of thought.  Good luck.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 02, 2008, 10:25:21 PM
I thought this was a joke thread.


What do you name a baby with no arms and no legs laying on your porch?

Matt.



What do you name a baby pinned to your wall?

Art.



Why is there always hot water at childbirth?

In case of a stillbirth, soup.



What do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender?

Hold on. I'll tell you in a second.



What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?

Crib death.



How do you prevent a baby from exploding in the microwave?

Poke holes in it with a fork.



And my favorite dead baby joke ever:

What's harder to do than nailing a dead baby to a tree?

Nailing it to a dead puppy.



LOL....I forgot those....PRICELESS........................LMFAO

and for that you get a PM
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 10:36:16 PM
How many different words did you just put in my mouth? You're a manipulator and that's part of what makes you dangerous. Some weaker souls will believe the things you say. You only want conformity to your narrow minded values, and you utterly disgust me with your self righteous hypocrisy.

Some good news for my Love-to-Hate-Me's.... I'm leaving the forum. I cannot in good conscience be funny and friendly while others preach intolerance and hatred, and continually shove their monochromatic beliefs, values, and opinions down the throats of everyone else.

I have been my natural self on this forum. The people who’ve read MT for any length of time know my true and complete nature. I’ve never sought to compete in a Nice Off, but I’m unafraid to say exactly what I intend, good or bad, online and in person. I’m comfortable in my skin.

To those of you who have supported me or taken heat on my behalf, thank you, my friends. To those of you with whom I’ve clashed, I apologize for absolutely nothing. Every single word I have said to you will stand.

I’m proud to have been a part of this forum for so long. I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. Best of luck.

Dan/Admins, please remove my user ID.
Here come some Private messages: Don't let the evil Christian win!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 02, 2008, 10:37:07 PM
MM please don't give up............Dan should have a “talk” with Jeremy since he is ruining the site.



*******************************************************************************


Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.

"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second.

"I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That’s so ironic" he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: Frenchfry on July 02, 2008, 10:39:03 PM
Here come some Private messages: Don't let the evil Christian win!

Yo momma's so nasty, her crabs use her tampon string as a bungee cord.

Yo momma's so nasty, I called her up for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.

Yo momma's so nasty, she only changes her drawers once every 10000 miles
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 02, 2008, 10:45:02 PM
MM please don't give up............Dan should have a “talk” with Jeremy since he is ruining the site.
For all my clear violations of the rules?

Who am I ruining the site for? All those who get bent out of shape when I oppose ads with bent over women in thongs? Those who dislike rules of decency? How horrible!

Yeah, Dan should have a talk with me about how I'm ruining the forum, and address none of the perversity, dead baby jokes, etc.. When will you see justice doesn't side with your sort of reasoning.

Yo mamma's so nasty, her crabs use her tampon string as a bungee cord.

Yo mamma's so nasty, I called her up for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.

Yo mamma's so nasty, she only changes her drawers once every 10000 miles.
O! Rated R ones.  :o




Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ChadB on July 02, 2008, 10:51:35 PM

I have a beautiful little 5 year old girl. She is by far the most precious thing in my life. However, funny is funny, and I love me some good dead baby jokes.

I find such jokes to be disgusting and offensive...but I don't know YOU from Adam, so what you like is irrelevant and hardly justifies such poor taste. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mrs.S on July 02, 2008, 11:26:14 PM
But you'll post such trash on a public forum?

I agree.  I don't understand what is so funny about dead baby jokes.  How would you feel as a parent if you found your baby dead?  Anyone who thinks those are funny needs professional help.  I thought that one of the posters on here making those jokes was a friend of mine.  I even received an apology, but it continued, despite mine and Squonk's feelings on the matter.  I call that lack of respect for your friends.  I don't know what to think now.  I feel hurt by this. :'(
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mrs.S on July 02, 2008, 11:58:45 PM
BTW, for all you who think dead baby jokes are so funny, I had a younger sister that was born premature and died after only being 4 days old.  Tell me how funny that is.  You got any jokes about that?  Tell my younger sister who is her twin that.  She survives and knows how lucky she is, too.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 03, 2008, 12:32:03 AM
The objections have been duly noted but it would be nice if we could return the funny to this topic.
Spare us.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 12:32:23 AM

Morning Wood Furniture - That will get you up in the morning.

(http://www.funnyhub.com/pictures/img/morning-wood-furniture.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 12:34:58 AM
(http://www.funnyhub.com/pictures/img/steel-erection.jpg)

Now that would make a good business card to hand out to the ladies.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 12:37:47 AM
(http://www.funnyhub.com/pictures/img/teacher-gets-off.jpg)

Probably not the best choice of words for a headline.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 03, 2008, 12:43:31 AM
([url]http://www.funnyhub.com/pictures/img/teacher-gets-off.jpg[/url])

Probably not the best choice of words for a headline.

No kid would willfully have sex with that woman. No way.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 03, 2008, 12:45:47 AM
(http://thewvsr.com/lysol.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 12:49:25 AM
The objections have been duly noted but it would be nice if we could return the funny to this topic……we have enough argumentative ones to go around already.
I totally agree.


(http://media.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/484689/677248.jpg)
Our tax dollars at work
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kazimer on July 03, 2008, 12:52:45 AM

I understand and appreciate the point that FF is making regarding jokes.

I am no prude and I understand that there are differences of opinion on what is humorous.

As such, I am in no position to tell anyone how or what to post.

In my case, if I don't like what is posted, I simply scroll on by or don't enter the thread.

Still , I feel Squonk and Mrs. Squonk are justified in their position and statements.

Continuing,  I know some people like to push the envelope with whatever they post.

I also know that there has been quite a bit of tension in the various threads and that humor can help take the edge off in order to ease up on things.

Let there be freedom of speech on MT and at the same time mindfulness that the power of words - even in  jokes - can be hurtful to others.







Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mrs.S on July 03, 2008, 03:00:49 AM
I understand and appreciate the point that FF is making regarding jokes.

I am no prude and I understand that there are differences of opinion on what is humorous.

As such, I am in no position to tell anyone how or what to post.

In my case, if I don't like what is posted, I simply scroll on by or don't enter the thread.

Still , I feel Squonk and Mrs. Squonk are justified in their position and statements.

Continuing,  I know some people like to push the envelope with whatever they post.

I also know that there has been quite a bit of tension in the various threads and that humor can help take the edge off in order to ease up on things.

Let there be freedom of speech on MT and at the same time mindfulness that the power of words - even in  jokes - can be hurtful to others.









Kaz, your words are wise as always.  Thank you for them. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 06:50:40 AM
(http://farts.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/10/07/sports_page.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend again on July 03, 2008, 07:57:18 AM
Quote from: Frenchfry on July 02, 2008, 10:37:07 PM
MM please don't give up............Dan should have a “talk” with Jeremy since he is ruining the site.

For all my clear violations of the rules?

Who am I ruining the site for? All those who get bent out of shape when I oppose ads with bent over women in thongs? Those who dislike rules of decency? How horrible!


I don't notice the ads, and others have stated they don't notice the ads. It is ONLY you, again, that is whining and complaining about violations and rules.
You are ruining the site because you come here and you b*tch and moan and complain and cry non stop trying to get your way.  You create tension, you get the forum users arguing amongst themselves with your way of provoking people well beyond what they would normally post.

It has been said to you OVER and OVER - if you oppose to the content on this forum, do not come here......it's that simple.  But NO, you are the almighty Jeremy and you MUST overcome all evils in the world, and on all internet forums.  NO Jeremy MUST NOT get an ad blocker, because then he would have nothing to b*tch and moan and complain and cry about. It's got to be right in Jeremy's little mind or ALL will suffer!!

You are a true narcissist in every sense of the word.

From www.narcissismcured.com
Narcissism looks like this...

He may have a very inflated sense of entitlement and ego, thinking he deserves things that he hasn’t worked for or earned and he may manipulate situations for attention, acting a bit too good to be true.  He may lie about you or paint a bad picture of you to gain sympathy from others and to justify his own bad behaviour.
 He brags about how smart, healthy, talented and unique he is, but fails to appreciate everyone around him. He even puts his children down to elevate his own ego, and truly fails to appreciate what he so boldly steps on. There is no empathy, only exaggerated self emotion, self importance and self concern.  A narcissist is, at first glance, a friendly, real person. This is the narcissist's bait. The person lures people in, only to control them, in any shape ore form. It is difficult at first since they try to charm. Some possibilities: They have no sense of humor ... They manipulate and control ... They do not have a significant number of long-term relationships ...  They talk but only to hear themselves; dominate conversations ... They try to give people their opinions ... They love attention ...  ... They appear to be something they are not. They seem educated, confidant, charming, and social. They are master manipulators and total control freaks. They have no emotions and are void of empathy. They feel for no one but themselves. They are a bottomless pit that is never satisfied.  They think they are better than everyone else, always right and never wrong, and their way is always the best way to do anything. They love attention. They think only of themselves, but make you think they are thinking of your best intrests.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 03, 2008, 08:36:31 AM
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
 
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
 
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
 
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
 
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets The cheese in the trap.
 
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
 
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
 
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
 
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
 
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
 
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
 
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
 
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
 
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
 
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
 
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
 
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
 
23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 08:37:32 AM
(http://www.headlinehumor.com/images/headlines/h5.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 08:40:22 AM
(http://www.headlinehumor.com/images/headlines/h7.jpg)

Now that's a real Job.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 08:41:45 AM
(http://www.headlinehumor.com/images/headlines/h10.jpg)

I thought that was Monica?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 08:43:12 AM
(http://www.headlinehumor.com/images/headlines/h13.gif)

That's using your noggin.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 03, 2008, 08:47:37 AM
I believe I should address the dead baby jokes that I posted last night.  The way I see things is if a joke doesn't offend someone then it probably wasn't a good joke.  Now I don't get offended easily unless it's a DIRECT personal attack against me or my beliefs.  None of those jokes, though tasteless, were direct personal attacks on anyone.  Now just so we can be even I'll tell you want offends me.  People driving big SUV's with only one passenger.  Hell people who drive SUV's period.  If you have kids swallow your pride and get a minivan.  They're better on gas and they're easier to manuver in.  Another thing that offends me is someone driving a big gas guzzling truck when they're not towing anything.  Get a car.  You'll save money.  I have a car right now, and guess what?  The next one I have is going to be an even smaller car.

That is all.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 09:16:08 AM
(http://www.headlinehumor.com/images/headlines/h17.gif)

And I thought I had a bad birthday.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 09:18:21 AM
(http://www.headlinehumor.com/images/headlines/h21.jpg)

Sometimes a picture really does say 1000 words.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: AngelaK on July 03, 2008, 09:26:03 AM
I believe I should address the dead baby jokes that I posted last night.  The way I see things is if a joke doesn't offend someone then it probably wasn't a good joke.  Now I don't get offended easily unless it's a DIRECT personal attack against me or my beliefs.  None of those jokes, though tasteless, were direct personal attacks on anyone.  Now just so we can be even I'll tell you want offends me.  People driving big SUV's with only one passenger.  Hell people who drive SUV's period.  If you have kids swallow your pride and get a minivan.  They're better on gas and they're easier to manuver in.  Another thing that offends me is someone driving a big gas guzzling truck when they're not towing anything.  Get a car.  You'll save money.  I have a car right now, and guess what?  The next one I have is going to be an even smaller car.

That is all.

I don't know.  I think that all jokes offend someone on some level because jokes tend pokes jabs on a more personal level, for example "your momma" jokes.  Some people don't take light at someone poking fun at their momma.  Hell my B-fried got kicked out of the marines for punching out his drill Sergeant for telling a "your momma" joke.  All I'm saying is if you find it offensive, that's fine.  You don't have to read any more but don't cut on the person with a different sense of humor than you might have.  If I have learned anything from this site is that you should always have an open mind and that if something starts to offend you, go to another thread.  That's why I tend to stay out of the Religious discussions  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: the nosh on July 03, 2008, 10:22:20 AM
a joke is a joke. there isnt much that offends me when it comes to a joke. in fact...probably no joke offends me.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Farmer.Ted on July 03, 2008, 10:54:49 AM
Wow... so now jokes cannot be told without someone taking offense?

Too many people around here want to be chiefs in the tribe if you ask me.

Sad, just sad...

Starting to look like Katt was right about this place..
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 03, 2008, 11:15:52 AM
If censoring is going to happen……rather than deleting…..maybe some could be moved to the sex thread.


Heck maybe some posts could be moved to a new “complaint” thread.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: danshaw on July 03, 2008, 11:43:52 AM
One of the things that fascinates me about the MonroeTalks community is the wonderful ability to self-analyze.

The priest and dead baby jokes were disgusting, by any measure. Do they belong on a community forum like this.  I don't know. It's a tough call. I appreciate the thoughtful discussion, though, because it helps those of us at the MEN with a role in moderating MonroeTalks.

Speaking of that, Kazimer sent me an interesting question last night, relating to Tim Russert, George Carlin and MonroeTalks.

I blogged about this morning, on my News Notes blog; if you're interested, it's at:
http://www.blogsmonroe.com/editors/2008/07/03/russert-carlin-and-monroetalks/ (http://www.blogsmonroe.com/editors/2008/07/03/russert-carlin-and-monroetalks/)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mrs.S on July 03, 2008, 12:30:04 PM
Sorry, but those jokes were in poor taste.  I had a sister that was born premature.  She weighed 2# at birth.  She wasn't the most pleasant thing to look at.  Well she died after living 4 days.  Those jokes made me relive that.  I also had a very difficult pregnancy and thought I miscarried once during it.

I took those jokes, as jokes but just distasteful.  One of the posters knew that we found them offensive and had the sense to take them to PM.  However, the other one keep on going.  I just think that was wrong.  How would you feel if I came on her and made jokes about something that was important or personal to you?  And don't give me that BS about I would ignore it.  Oh and let it roll off of me.  Sorry, but I am not that kind of a person.  If you don't like me or how I post you can always Iggy me.

As for calling my husband hateful, there are many far worse on here than him.  He very seldom gets worked up about things.  I am usually the one that needs to calm down.  Anything that is about a dead or suffering child upsets him.  He was offended, yes.  Does that make him hateful, NO!  Someone on here getting offended, does that make them hateful? NO!  So stop pointing fingers at him and saying he is hateful.  That is a bunch of crap and if you have ever met Squonk you would know that is the truth.  Does he get worked up sometimes?  Yes!  Do you?  I bet the answer is also yes. 

I consider this topic closed.  Please do not PM me with a bunch of crap, either.  I want to forget this happened.  I want to get the visions of my dead sister out of my head.  If you continue this subject, then it is you that are hateful and offensive.  Sorry to air this out, but I thought you should know where we were coming from.

Thank you
Mrs. Squonk
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lithunica on July 03, 2008, 12:49:03 PM
If you didn't like it, why keep on reading?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 03, 2008, 02:39:04 PM
...dead baby jokes were disgusting, by any measure. Do they belong on a community forum like this.  I don't know. It's a tough call.
Dan, perhaps at your next family gathering you can tell a bunch of dead baby jokes and see it they are fitting in a family community.

A tough call? Wow... I'll discuss this with your supervisor to see what she thinks.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 03, 2008, 02:54:02 PM

You are ruining the site because you come here and you b*tch and moan and complain and cry non stop trying to get your way.  You create tension, you get the forum users arguing amongst themselves with your way of provoking people well beyond what they would normally post.

It has been said to you OVER and OVER - if you oppose to the content on this forum, do not come here......it's that simple.  But NO, you are the almighty Jeremy and you MUST overcome all evils in the world, and on all internet forums.  NO Jeremy MUST NOT get an ad blocker, because then he would have nothing to b*tch and moan and complain and cry about. It's got to be right in Jeremy's little mind or ALL will suffer!!

You are a true narcissist in every sense of the word.

Narcissism looks like this...

He may have a very inflated sense of entitlement and ego, thinking he deserves things that he hasn’t worked for or earned and he may manipulate situations for attention, acting a bit too good to be true.  He may lie about you or paint a bad picture of you to gain sympathy from others and to justify his own bad behaviour.
 He brags about how smart, healthy, talented and unique he is, but fails to appreciate everyone around him. He even puts his children down to elevate his own ego, and truly fails to appreciate what he so boldly steps on. There is no empathy, only exaggerated self emotion, self importance and self concern.  A narcissist is, at first glance, a friendly, real person. This is the narcissist's bait. The person lures people in, only to control them, in any shape ore form. It is difficult at first since they try to charm. Some possibilities: They have no sense of humor ... They manipulate and control ... They do not have a significant number of long-term relationships ...  They talk but only to hear themselves; dominate conversations ... They try to give people their opinions ... They love attention ...  ... They appear to be something they are not. They seem educated, confidant, charming, and social. They are master manipulators and total control freaks. They have no emotions and are void of empathy. They feel for no one but themselves. They are a bottomless pit that is never satisfied.  They think they are better than everyone else, always right and never wrong, and their way is always the best way to do anything. They love attention. They think only of themselves, but make you think they are thinking of your best intrests.
I bet you'd never apply that definition above to MonroeMom, while all the time she displays the characteristics of it. But of course, I'm the narcissist. According to this forum, I have about seven different mental illnesses, while those who talk about dead babies, gross sexuality, and use vulgar insults are perfectly sane. River's, I don't care what you think about me, as you've shown yourself to be a mean person. Your hatred is evident and I know you simply attack and try to diagnose ill out of the same.

I'm ruining the forum for opposing sexual overspilling?

I am not sad to see MonroeMom go. She would always suggest, "Do things my way on this forum of reap the consequences." Save it. 

Something you need to understand, is that I shouldn't have to get an ad blocker if their are rules to prevent such indecency. And remember, by telling everyone to get an ad-blocker you're taking away from site funds. If there is a decent ad, then I have no problem clicking it to look over and help support the site.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 03, 2008, 02:59:11 PM
One of the things that fascinates me about the MonroeTalks community is the wonderful ability to self-analyze.

The priest and dead baby jokes were disgusting, by any measure. Do they belong on a community forum like this.  I don't know. It's a tough call. I appreciate the thoughtful discussion, though, because it helps those of us at the MEN with a role in moderating MonroeTalks.

Speaking of that, Kazimer sent me an interesting question last night, relating to Tim Russert, George Carlin and MonroeTalks.

I blogged about this morning, on my News Notes blog; if you're interested, it's at:
[url]http://www.blogsmonroe.com/editors/2008/07/03/russert-carlin-and-monroetalks/[/url] ([url]http://www.blogsmonroe.com/editors/2008/07/03/russert-carlin-and-monroetalks/[/url])


Ok, if they don't belong here then fine.  But you need to take into consideration a few things.  I'm offended by NASCAR.  It makes my blood boil to know that there are people out there advocating driving fast and wasting fuel resources.  I'm also offended my people who bash homosexuals becacuse a 2000 year old book told them to.  There are a lot of things that offend me on here and I keep my damn mouth shut unlike others.  Well if you want to start playing that game we can.  Just let me know and I will be glad to send every post I find offending to you.  Now I understand that most people probably wouldn't find what I find offensive, offensive, but am I not a person?  Do I not have feelings?  Do I have a right to be upset at idiots who drive gas guzzling SUV's?  There's my case now lets discuss it.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bethany6788 on July 03, 2008, 03:11:23 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bethany6788 on July 03, 2008, 03:12:17 PM
Signs That You are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Keith_G on July 03, 2008, 03:12:48 PM
Ok, if they don't belong here then fine.  But you need to take into consideration a few things.  I'm offended by NASCAR.  It makes my blood boil to know that there are people out there advocating driving fast and wasting fuel resources.  I'm also offended my people who bash homosexuals becacuse a 2000 year old book told them to.  There are a lot of things that offend me on here and I keep my damn mouth shut unlike others.  Well if you want to start playing that game we can.  Just let me know and I will be glad to send every post I find offending to you.  Now I understand that most people probably wouldn't find what I find offensive, offensive, but am I not a person?  Do I not have feelings?  Do I have a right to be upset at idiots who drive gas guzzling SUV's?  There's my case now lets discuss it.

Shaggy, read Dan's blog. I think it would clear things up for you a little bit.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: AngelaK on July 03, 2008, 03:13:56 PM
 ;D :D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 03, 2008, 03:28:47 PM
Shaggy, read Dan's blog. I think it would clear things up for you a little bit.

Thanks Keith.

Sorry about my rant Dan.  I'm glad to know someone has a level head. 

Now if we replace the word "baby" with squirrell, penguine, aardvark, etc. would that make those jokes more acceptable?  I'm asking this as a serious question.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 03, 2008, 03:41:43 PM
The priest and dead baby jokes were disgusting, by any measure.

No. Absolutely untrue. They were disgusting by your measure.

Disgusting - causing disgust; offensive to the physical, moral, or aesthetic taste.

Disgust - to offend the good taste, moral sense of;

I do not find any of the jokes I posted to be disgusting. I think they're quite humorous, and I am obviously not the only person here who feels that way. Shaggy and myself may be a very small minority on this point, however, the fact that anyone finds the jokes funny makes your above statement fallible.

I posted those jokes because I find them funny. That's the only reason. I discovered someone who enjoys those kinds of jokes as much as myself and we traded a few. I will also point out that we shared several jokes through the exchange of private messages because even us sick, twisted, disgusting people chose to keep the most disgusting of them private. That fact alone should clearly indicate that we were in no way trying to intentionally offend anyone. I won't apologize for my sense of humor being offensive to anyone. In no way did I personally attack anyone, nor did I attempt to "stir the pot" with my jokes.

Quote
Do they belong on a community forum like this.  I don't know. It's a tough call.

That decision is yours to make. However, after reading your blog on this very subject I commend you for having the ability to look at this in an unbiased manner.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 03, 2008, 03:49:41 PM
However, after reading your blog on this very subject I commend you for having the ability to look at this in an unbiased manner.

I agree.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 03, 2008, 03:54:24 PM
Whats worse than 50 dead aardvarks nailed to a tree?

One dead aardvark nailed to 50 trees.


(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/funny-pictures-anteater-debugged-laptop.jpg)


See it's an aardvark and aardvarks are funny.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on July 03, 2008, 03:58:19 PM
Thanks Keith.

Sorry about my rant Dan.  I'm glad to know someone has a level head. 

Now if we replace the word "baby" with squirrell, penguine, aardvark, etc. would that make those jokes more acceptable?  I'm asking this as a serious question.

I'm ok with all those Shaggy...   just leave the ducks out of the mix!!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mj on July 03, 2008, 03:59:15 PM
i personally didn't like the baby jokes, however i scrolled over them. every joke is going to be offensive to somebody, somewhere. it's all about choice. i don't like everthing on this forum so i choose to read what i like and ignore the rest.

even though i am blond, "blond" jokes don't offend me but i still respect those who are insluted by them. it's all relative.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 03, 2008, 04:02:08 PM
I'm ok with all those Shaggy...   just leave the ducks out of the mix!!!

If BRD says it's cool, then I think we're in the clear....as long as I don't mention ducks.  I like aardvarks so I think I'll stick with those and not just because the word is difficult to type.


Two aardvarks walk past a bar....hey, it could happen.

What's the difference between an aardvark and a 57 chevy?  You can tune the 57 Chevy.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 03, 2008, 04:06:07 PM
Say what you will, there are no violations.

This is a fitting thread, for the rules of decency are a joke.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mj on July 03, 2008, 04:11:37 PM
Misery loves company.
oops! :o wrong thread :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kazimer on July 03, 2008, 04:25:46 PM
(http://www.funny-games.biz/images/thumbs/picture/960-watch-for-ice.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 03, 2008, 06:53:17 PM
Say what you will, there are no violations.

This is a fitting thread, for the rules of decency are a joke.

 :P
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 03, 2008, 07:25:44 PM
Dan, perhaps at your next family gathering you can tell a bunch of dead baby jokes and see it they are fitting in a family community.

A tough call? Wow... I'll discuss this with your supervisor to see what she thinks.

Let’s see…..Dan said the dead baby jokes were disgusting and you’d like him to tell a bunch of ‘em at his next family gathering……SoJo that is just moronic.

And then you threatened to go over his head…….OMFG!

Yo mama is so stupid that when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 03, 2008, 07:27:45 PM
I bet you'd never apply that definition above to MonroeMom, while all the time she displays the characteristics of it. But of course, I'm the narcissist. According to this forum, I have about seven different mental illnesses, while those who talk about dead babies, gross sexuality, and use vulgar insults are perfectly sane. River's, I don't care what you think about me, as you've shown yourself to be a mean person. Your hatred is evident and I know you simply attack and try to diagnose ill out of the same.

I'm ruining the forum for opposing sexual overspilling?

I am not sad to see MonroeMom go. She would always suggest, "Do things my way on this forum of reap the consequences." Save it. 

Something you need to understand, is that I shouldn't have to get an ad blocker if their are rules to prevent such indecency. And remember, by telling everyone to get an ad-blocker you're taking away from site funds. If there is a decent ad, then I have no problem clicking it to look over and help support the site.


Trying to deflect that moniker upon someone that cannot mount a defense (since she resigned) nor had any part in your illness is about as low as you can go.

I think the definition bears repeating because it fits you perfectly:
Quote
Narcissism looks like this...

He may have a very inflated sense of entitlement and ego, thinking he deserves things that he hasn’t worked for or earned and he may manipulate situations for attention, acting a bit too good to be true.  He may lie about you or paint a bad picture of you to gain sympathy from others and to justify his own bad behavior.
 He brags about how smart, healthy, talented and unique he is, but fails to appreciate everyone around him. He even puts his children down to elevate his own ego, and truly fails to appreciate what he so boldly steps on. There is no empathy, only exaggerated self emotion, self importance and self concern.  A narcissist is, at first glance, a friendly, real person. This is the narcissist's bait. The person lures people in, only to control them, in any shape ore form. It is difficult at first since they try to charm. Some possibilities: They have no sense of humor ... They manipulate and control ... They do not have a significant number of long-term relationships ...  They talk but only to hear themselves; dominate conversations ... They try to give people their opinions ... They love attention ...  ... They appear to be something they are not. They seem educated, confidant, charming, and social. They are master manipulators and total control freaks. They have no emotions and are void of empathy. They feel for no one but themselves. They are a bottomless pit that is never satisfied.  They think they are better than everyone else, always right and never wrong, and their way is always the best way to do anything. They love attention. They think only of themselves, but make you think they are thinking of your best interests.

Yo mama is so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

Yo mama is so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 03, 2008, 07:59:19 PM
1.) Let’s see…..Dan said the dead baby jokes were disgusting and you’d like him to tell a bunch of ‘em at his next family gathering……SoJo that is just moronic.

2.) Trying to deflect that moniker upon someone that cannot mount a defense (since she resigned) nor had any part in your illness is about as low as you can go.
1.) He calls them disgusting but says it's a tough call to determine if they are a violation of decency to a family forum. Talk about moronic.

2.) MonroeMom needs no sympathy or someone to take her defense. Wouldn't she say the same? She can call people bigots and hateful all day long, but when someone clearly and irrefutably shows her own hate and bigotry, she leaves. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 08:06:39 PM
You like to break the rules just as much as anyone else sojo.

This thread is supposed to be about jokes.

Wait, maybe your comments do belong here.

If you want to be seriously considered take it to a different thread. I'm taking this one back over with jokes, and/or funny pictures.



Funny, Dumb and Stupid Warning Labels

Do not use while sleeping.
Sears hair dryer

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Bag of Fritos

Use like regular soap.
Dial soap

Serving suggestion: Defrost.
Swann frozen dinner

Fits one head.
Shower cap box

Do not turn upside down.
Bottom of Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert box

Product will be hot after heating.
Marks & Spencer bread pudding

Do not iron clothes on body.
Rowenta iron

Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Boot’s children’s cough medicine

Warning: May cause drowsiness.
Nytol

Warning: Keep out of children.
Korean kitchen knife

For indoor or outdoor use only.
Chinese Christmas lights

Not to be used for the other use.
Japanese food processor

Warning: Contains nuts.
Sainsbury’s peanuts

Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
American Airlines peanut packet

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Swedish chainsaw
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 08:10:20 PM
(http://www.innocentenglish.com/funny-pics/funny-pics/funny-keep-right-sign.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 03, 2008, 08:21:27 PM
You like to break the rules just as much as anyone else sojo.

This thread is supposed to be about jokes.

Wait, maybe your comments do belong here.

If you want to be seriously considered take it to a different thread. I'm taking this one back over with jokes, and/or funny pictures.
Even Dan Shaw has addressed the issue in this thread. The offensive matter was in this subject, so I see no problem with discussing it here. It won't stay here long, so no need to point out my so-called violations.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 08:24:29 PM
(http://www.innocentenglish.com/funny-pics/funny-pics/funny-no-warning-sign.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 08:25:59 PM
(http://www.innocentenglish.com/funny-pics/funny-pics/funny-now-hiring-billboard.jpg)

I guess an employee quit and got the F out of there.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kazimer on July 03, 2008, 09:00:05 PM
(http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:AiCO0_VXPqNGBM:http://ixpats.com/bestoftheweb/wp-uploads/cute-funny-animals-01.jpg)

Man : Pull my finger.
Kitten: NEVER!


(http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:rZqQ7NZlG7PxoM:http://bp0.blogger.com/_3yU1Bcz6XEM/RqeVHebmieI/AAAAAAAAANk/XKSYg04WnAI/s400/FunnyAnimal10.jpg)
Me luvz my catnip. Yes I do!


(http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:UU3xRfjLhajcaM:http://thecoolestanimals.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/bat-man-dog.jpg)
Do these tights really make me look fat?

(http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:yHzBwOWVTHehXM:http://www.myspacebrand.com/funny_pictures/funny-animals/_img/animals51.gif)
George! You overshot the cheese! George!
Wait a minute.  I'm Flying! Look at me...I'm really Flyyyying! Yee!

(http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:GycneRAL9VHYBM:http://www.justfunnyphotos.com/images/bear.jpg)
I'm just coppin' a lean and chillin'. Oh, go ahead and leave Mabelle.  I don't care . . . this feels soooo good on my butt! 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 03, 2008, 09:33:17 PM
A woman went to the post office to buy religious stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asked the postal clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Has it come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."


****************************************************************************


A woman was at the beach with her children when her four-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand.

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to heaven," the mother replied.
Her son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"



*****************************************************************************



After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend again on July 03, 2008, 09:54:38 PM
Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl,
So she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly; she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
Heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a

Burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's
Exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below
Your left breast. Why do you ask?" She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
Wound to her knee.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bethany6788 on July 03, 2008, 10:19:20 PM
LOL rivers
I cracked up at that joke!!  :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend again on July 03, 2008, 10:20:21 PM
LOL rivers
I cracked up at that joke!!  :D :D


 ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend again on July 03, 2008, 10:25:25 PM

For the last departmental picnic, management had decided that, due to
liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per
person.


I was fired for ordering the cups. .



(http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2076/2634761277_f3a4cc1743.jpg?v=0)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bethany6788 on July 03, 2008, 10:26:13 PM
LOL rivers where are you finding these??
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend again on July 03, 2008, 10:30:50 PM
LOL rivers where are you finding these??

In my email.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 10:43:53 PM
For the last departmental picnic, management had decided that, due to
liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per
person.


I was fired for ordering the cups. .



([url]http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2076/2634761277_f3a4cc1743.jpg?v=0[/url])


Are you sure I couldn't have two? Pretty Please?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend again on July 03, 2008, 10:45:13 PM
Are you sure I couldn't have two? Pretty Please?

For you my friend, you may have as many as you would like.  :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 03, 2008, 10:55:28 PM
awww, thanks, I needed that. Really, I did.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 03, 2008, 11:30:33 PM
How many aardvarks does it take to screw in a light bulb?  It doesn't matter they're aardvarks.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 03, 2008, 11:49:03 PM
The level head isn't yours. You make jokes about still birth, and try to justify that by saying you don't like NASCAR and SUV's? Are you THAT miswired that such an argument makes sense?

You and your buddy Buz posted some awful, sickening things and called it humor. You said "Oh, I wouldn't say that in front of mothers" yet you say it on a PUBLIC FORUM than anyone can view? You're not right.

You and your sicko pal can talk about this crap all you want, defend it all you want with whatever assanine rediculous arguments you can come up with...I've got you ignored and I'm ashamed that I ever associated with you.



If you don't like what I have to say, don't read my posts...


Perhaps you should follow your own advice.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: the nosh on July 03, 2008, 11:55:08 PM
this BS tops em all!!! lol  :D getting upset over some stupid jokes!! i have heard it all now!!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 04, 2008, 12:11:34 AM
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some f---in’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f---in’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the     f---in’ French toast."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 04, 2008, 12:18:55 AM
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ördög on July 04, 2008, 12:22:44 AM
(http://dailyfunnypics.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/amazing-photos-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ChadB on July 04, 2008, 12:24:54 AM
this BS tops em all!!! lol  :D getting upset over some stupid jokes!! i have heard it all now!!  :D

I'm glad you approve, Nosh!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 04, 2008, 12:25:26 AM
([url]http://dailyfunnypics.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/amazing-photos-1.jpg[/url])


Ewwwwww........LOL
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on July 04, 2008, 12:29:59 AM
*Insert BDSM joke that no one will understand*

So a masochist and a sadist are standing around talking.  Finally the masochist says "Hurt me". 

The sadist looks at them and says....."No"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: the nosh on July 04, 2008, 12:31:58 AM
I'm glad you approve, Nosh!




squonk...they are just jokes...if someone made a joke about italians which there are plenty jokes about italians...i dont get upset at all. its no big deal. they are just jokes...nothing to pin someone against a truck and threaten them for. you were lucky you werent fired on the spot!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mrs.S on July 04, 2008, 12:34:32 AM



squonk...they are just jokes...if someone made a joke about italians which there are plenty jokes about italians...i dont get upset at all. its no big deal. they are just jokes...nothing to pin someone against a truck and threaten them for. you were lucky you werent fired on the spot!
That is just the way he can be sometimes.  Squonk has a good heart.  I had a hard time getting pregnant.  I also had a hard pregnancy and had a sister die as a baby.  They just touched a nerve at that time.  Just as it has now.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: the nosh on July 04, 2008, 12:38:29 AM
That is just the way he can be sometimes.  Squonk has a good heart.  I had a hard time getting pregnant.  I also had a hard pregnancy and had a sister die as a baby.  They just touched a nerve at that time.  Just as it has now.



well there are things that upset alot of people...you just have to overlook them or brush them under the rug sometimes. no ones life is perfect...there are hardships and tragedys in almost everyones life...sometimes its just best to smile away the hurt. comprende?  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ChadB on July 04, 2008, 12:39:10 AM



squonk...they are just jokes...if someone made a joke about italians which there are plenty jokes about italians...i dont get upset at all. its no big deal. they are just jokes...nothing to pin someone against a truck and threaten them for. you were lucky you werent fired on the spot!

Nosh, I gotta disagree. They AREN'T just jokes. Ethnic jokes are one thing..Hell, my grandmother was Italian too, that whole side of the family is Italian..big deal. But you just DON'T make jokes about dead babies, about mothers crying about crib death, abut stillborn children...that is SICK. When I got physical with that guy at work, my wife was pregnant..we had a hard time with that, I was WORRIED, I knew about all the awful things that could happen...all the awful things these two sickos joked about. That time wasn't that long ago, and ever since I have become a father, things about kids just get to me..that's NORMAL. So, yeah, I took particular offense. If you or anyone doesn't understand that, I'm sorry.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mrs.S on July 04, 2008, 12:44:23 AM


well there are things that upset alot of people...you just have to overlook them or brush them under the rug sometimes. no ones life is perfect...there are hardships and tragedys in almost everyones life...sometimes its just best to smile away the hurt. comprende?  ;)

Yes I do.  I just wish that people on here like that cowboy would leave me alone and quit attacking me.
Title: Re: On a lighter note...
Post by: riversbend again on July 04, 2008, 07:17:36 AM
You have heard it all. How about this drama BS. You know she ain't leaving. She is addicted and loves attention. Even if she did she would probably come back as another username. I don't see her username removed. She could always PM the administration if she really wanted to be removed. She is probably on vacation.

I tell you what. I am so confident that she won't remove herself that I will say that if she does, then I will also remove myself from MT.  ;D


Get ready to remove yourself. When I requested my user ID removed, Admin didn't do it for about 3 days .... :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sojourner on July 06, 2008, 02:20:47 AM
Being people are allowed to tell Dead baby jokes and ones about Homosexuals, I'm just wondering if we can tell Black, Asian, and Jew jokes?

I can protest them by saying it's a long standing social issue. Nothing like making the clearly black a little gray, eh?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rick Rountree on July 06, 2008, 11:40:19 PM
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama  bin Laden and a Michigan Biker are  all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a  Genie pops out of it.   'I will give each  of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie. 

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer  and my son will also farm.  I want the land to be forever fertile in  Canada, eh' 

POOF!  With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. 

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I  want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no  infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' 

POOF!  Again, with the blink of  the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. 

The Biker says, 'I am very  curious.  Please tell me more about this  wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's  about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries.  Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' 

The  Biker sits  down  on his  Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar, smiles and  says, 'Fill it with water.'  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: raspberryrose on July 10, 2008, 01:05:00 AM
        An Irish view of the United States' election

 'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who cant keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.

 Now.....On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate Mc terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.
             
What, in Lords name, are you lads and lassies thinking over there in the colonies? Seems like an easy choice to us!


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ChadB on July 10, 2008, 01:33:33 AM
        An Irish view of the United States' election

 'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who cant keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.

 Now.....On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate Mc terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.
             
What, in Lords name, are you lads and lassies thinking over there in the colonies? Seems like an easy choice to us!




I'd vote for McCain's wife to be first MILF, just not First Lady.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: raspberryrose on July 12, 2008, 02:11:10 PM
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
 
 
Eleven people were hanging on a rope,
under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them
all, so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids or for men in general, and was
used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping........
 



Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on July 12, 2008, 02:18:34 PM
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
 
 
Eleven people were hanging on a rope,
under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them
all, so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids or for men in general, and was
used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping........
 





I'll give you one more.

This happened to me honestly.

On Thursday, we went to the China Buffet, and after eating I got my fortune cookie.

It read "Women who want to be equal with men are selling themselves short."

My mom was there, she'll vouch for me.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: raspberryrose on July 12, 2008, 02:28:17 PM
I'll give you one more.

This happened to me honestly.

On Thursday, we went to the China Buffet, and after eating I got my fortune cookie.

It read "Women who want to be equal with men are selling themselves short."

My mom was there, she'll vouch for me.


Please don't infer that I mean anything by these jokes....I just had them in my e-mail and thought that I would share them.

I don't really want to get into any politicking oneway or another on men and women being equal....They Just Are!  But, back in the day, it was a man's world, so to speak, and woman just had a place in it.(from my life experience)  I don't think that it is so much like that now days, though.

So.....I take your fortune cookie to mean that woman are already equal to men... so, why sell yourself short for something that you already are...reach for the stars to be better.(not better than one sex or another...just a better person)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: raspberryrose on July 12, 2008, 02:33:31 PM
This is just another joke that I had in my e-mail...I don't mean anything by them in any negative way...just sharing with everyone.

JUST A MOM?
 
 
 
 A woman, renewing her drivers license at the County Clerk 's office,
 was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.
 
 She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
 
 'What I mean is, ' explained the recorder,
 'do you have a job or are you just a ...?'
 
 'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman.
 
 'I'm a Mom.'
 
 'We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation,
 'housewife' covers it,'
 Said the recorder emphatically.
 
 I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself
 in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.
 The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,
 efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like,
 'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar.'
 
 'What is your occupation?' she probed.
 
 What made me say it? I do not know.
 The words simply popped out.
 'I'm a Research Associate in the field of
 Child Development and Human Relations.'
 
 The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid air and
 looked up as though she had not heard right.
 
 I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
 Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,
 in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
 
 'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest,
 'just what you do in your field?'
 
 Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
 I heard myself reply, 'I have a continuing program of research,
 (what mother doesn't)
 In the laboratory and in the field,
 (normally I would have said indoors and out).
 I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)
 and already have four credits (all daughters).
 Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
 (any mother care to disagree?)
 and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
 But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers
 and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.'
 
 There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
 completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
 
 As I drove into our drive way, buoyed up by my glamorous new career,
 I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
 Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
 (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
 testing out a new vocal pattern.
 I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
 And I had gone on the official records as someone more
 distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another Mom.'
 Motherhood!
 
 What a glorious career!
 Especially when there's a title on the door.
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend again on July 13, 2008, 09:59:19 AM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't.

 As Ben Franklin said: 'In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
 Freedom, in water there is bacteria'

 In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
 Demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of
 The year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
 (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1
 Kilo of poop.

 However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila,
 Rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a
 Purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

 Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

 Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink
 Water and be full of s*it.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 15, 2008, 11:51:33 PM
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
Shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled
With patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the
Receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
Wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR
NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
To look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO,
I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 17, 2008, 07:16:02 PM
Okay I’ll feed the beast with this joke:

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

A customer asked 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.'
'If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?'
'Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'
'Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
'Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican?'
'Would you? Would you?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no!'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

'Well, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish…….because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replies, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: eriemermaid on July 17, 2008, 07:37:26 PM
LOL FF - I loved it!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 17, 2008, 09:38:10 PM
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."


"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?" he asked



"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: eriemermaid on July 18, 2008, 09:49:15 AM
oooooohhhhh FF now you are going to have the cops after you!!!  :o  LOL  (I loved it)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 27, 2008, 10:05:23 PM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... The house I wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of
$900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can
go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths agape...
He smiles and asks:
"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on July 28, 2008, 06:24:37 AM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on July 30, 2008, 05:50:25 AM
THE GUNSLINGER AND THE OLD PROSPECTOR

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day -- He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.  The young gun slinger looked at the old man and
laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the  old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.  When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.  The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.  The
gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.  The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly
turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule's A*S?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

  The lessons from this story are:
  1. Don't waste ammunition.
  2. Don't mess with old guys.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on July 30, 2008, 06:04:12 AM
HOW YODELING BEGAN


Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter said , 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and

        continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

        When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying good-bye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

        'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

        The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

        The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out. ....




                ''LAIDTHEOLADEETOO''
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 30, 2008, 11:47:12 PM
Man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.  The waitress asks them for their orders.

 The man  says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich,  'What's yours?'

 'I'll have  the same,' says the ostrich.

 A short time  later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40  please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the  exact change for payment.
 
The next  day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A  hamburger, fries and a coke.'
 
The ostrich  says, 'I'll have the same.'
 
Again the  man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact  change.
 
This becomes  routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the  waitress.
 
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,'  says the man.

 'Same,' says  the ostrich.
 
Shortly the  waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be  $32.62.'

 Once again  the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it  on the table.
 
The waitress  cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me,  sir. How  do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your  pocket every time?'

 'Well,' says  the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found  an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two  wishes.  My  first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would  just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

 'That's  brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most  people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll  always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
 
'That's  right. Whether  it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is  always there,' says the man..
 
The waitress  asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
 
The man  sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I  say.'
(http://www.abilenetx.com/Zoo/images/Ostrich.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on July 31, 2008, 06:13:15 AM
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatc hu want?' he says, trying to sound
experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

' You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lithunica on July 31, 2008, 02:41:42 PM
(http://bp1.blogger.com/_XJseql2u5l0/R8PCEsva9ZI/AAAAAAAAB9U/mIkxcwKBKCk/s1600/downloading_communism.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on July 31, 2008, 05:07:23 PM
([url]http://bp1.blogger.com/_XJseql2u5l0/R8PCEsva9ZI/AAAAAAAAB9U/mIkxcwKBKCk/s1600/downloading_communism.jpg[/url])


Is this a secret joke?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on July 31, 2008, 11:20:05 PM
A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll. "Would you like male of female?""

Female, please." "Would you like Black, or White?"

"White, please." "Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man . . . and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it?
It's an inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend again on August 02, 2008, 08:05:50 PM
HUSBAND WANTED

Lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.  So
she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON
ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened
the door just to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair
he had no arms and no legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you,
are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!'

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

A gain, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed?'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the  doorbell,
didn't I?'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 04, 2008, 01:39:22 AM
A Blonde and Her Horse
 
A 30 year old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time. With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm  grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the  horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....
Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on August 04, 2008, 06:59:46 AM
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.  After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on August 04, 2008, 03:35:48 PM
(http://img3.freeimagehosting.net/uploads/c795084cb0.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 04, 2008, 10:17:38 PM
You Know You're Trailer Trash When

1.---The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2.---You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3.---You're been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4.---You think a woman who is "out-of-your-league" bowls on a different night.

5.---Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."

6.---You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7.---Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this."

8.---You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9.---Your junior prom had a daycare.

10.---Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

11.---You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: : "Gentlemen, start your engines."

12.---You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13.---The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much
gas is in it.

14.---You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15.---One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16.---You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House
of Tattoos.

17.---You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18.---You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.

19.---Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20.---Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 05, 2008, 06:08:04 AM
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain; no pain.

I am in shape. Round's a shape..

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

 Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone
going faster than you is a maniac.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother in law is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
(http://badwraps.phpwebhosting.com/stickerheads/images/peeonscabs52311.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 06, 2008, 12:34:27 AM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond
woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback,
because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" to which she
replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper
from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all
my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt
with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's
math teacher."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on August 06, 2008, 06:48:53 PM
Personal ads translated

WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish.................49

Adventurer.............Slept with all your friends

Athletic...............No breasts

Average looking........Has a face like a basset hound

Beautiful..............Pathological liar

Educated...............Banged her Political Science professor

Emotionally Secure.....Medicated

Feminist...............Fat ballbuster

Free spirited..........Junkie

Friendship first.......Trying to live down reputation as a s***

Fun....................Annoying

Gentle.................Comatose

Good Listener..........Borderline Autistic

New-Age................All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned..........Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs

Open-minded............Desperate

Outgoing...............Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate.............Sloppy drunk

Poet...................Depressive Schizophrenic

Professional...........Certified *itch

Redhead................Bad dye-job

Reubenesque............Grossly Fat

Romantic...............Looks better by candle light

Social.................Has been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray

Voluptuous.............Very Fat

Weight proportionate w/ height....... Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate.........Stalker

Widow..................Drove first husband to shoot himself

Young at heart ........Old bat


MEN'S ADS

40-ish.....................52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic...................Watches a lot of NASCAR

Average looking............Unusual hair growth on ears, nose & back

Educated............…......Will patronize the hell out of you

Free Spirited..............Hits on your sister

Friendship first...........As long as friendship involves sex

Fun.....................…..Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking.....….........Arrogant

Very good looking..........Dumb as a board & rude too

Honest.....................Pathological Liar

Huggable...................Overweight, more bod hair than a bear

Likes to cuddle............Insecure mama's boy

Mature.....................Older than your father

Physically fit.............Does a lot of 12-ounce curls

Poet.......................Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall

Sensitive..................Cries at chick flicks

Very sensitive.............Gay

Spiritual..................Got laid in a cemetery once

Stable.....................Arrested for stalking but not convicted

Thoughtful.................Says "Excuse me" when he farts
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on August 13, 2008, 12:44:21 AM
Quote
Hiking is just walking someplace where it is ok to pee.

Some people go hiking by accident.
Quote
There are 3 ways to change a regular toy into an adult toy.

Location Location Location
Quote
game set match = tennis

set match run = arson
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lithunica on August 13, 2008, 12:01:20 PM
(http://img.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/2e36609b86f3211ab86d752d7d0e05860ac72ac2_m.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lithunica on August 13, 2008, 12:03:36 PM
(http://img.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/c8d368a0666d49d1beff6aef7a668c466fbd2145_m.jpg)
(http://img-thumb.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/bee40ee1715a3f28ee7f6c6548123609c4bf1b5e_s.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on August 14, 2008, 06:58:16 AM
At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made
 
Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . .
 
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****!!'
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend again on August 16, 2008, 09:17:20 PM
Dear Boss,
 
I have enjoyed working here these past several years.  you have
paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief.  I have 3-4
months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary
til the day I die, and a health plan that most people can only dream
about.  Despite this, I plan to take the next 12-18 months to
find a new position.  During this time, I will show up for work when
it's convenient.  In addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary
and all the other perks associated with my current job.  Oh yeah,
if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with
no loss in pay or status.  Before you say anything, remember
that you have no choice in the matter.  I can and will do this.
 
Sincerely,
 
every senator or congressman that has ever run for president
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on August 19, 2008, 12:22:57 AM
A wealthy playboy met a
beautiful young blond girl in
an exclusive lounge. He took
her to his lavish apartment
where he soon discovered she
was not a tramp, but was well
groomed and apparently very
intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he
began showing her his
collection of expensive
paintings, first editions by
famous authors and offered her
a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred
Port or Sherry and she said,

"Oh, Sherry by all means. To
me, it's the nectar of the gods.

Just looking at it in a
crystal-clear decanter fills
me with a glorious sense of
anticipation. When the stopper
is removed and the gorgeous
liquid is poured into my
glass, I inhale the enchanting
aroma and I'm lifted on the
wings of ecstasy. It seems as
though I'm about to drink a
magic potion and my whole
being begins to glow. The
sound of a thousand violins
being softly played fills my
ears and I'm transported into
another world.

Port, on the other hand, makes
me fart."

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: raspberryrose on August 19, 2008, 01:00:32 AM
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lithunica on August 20, 2008, 06:38:13 PM
(http://img61.imageshack.us/img61/8849/bizarroatheistsgc1.jpg)
(http://img508.imageshack.us/img508/1280/comicunicorneb7.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: raspberryrose on August 22, 2008, 10:49:36 PM
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: raspberryrose on August 22, 2008, 10:56:01 PM
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lithunica on August 25, 2008, 07:54:57 PM
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_DHdatQq6K0Y/SK-SMS8RCmI/AAAAAAAABYQ/jQqv8VTQ_6M/s1600-h/dairy_queen_sign.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: raspberryrose on August 25, 2008, 11:51:44 PM
([url]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_DHdatQq6K0Y/SK-SMS8RCmI/AAAAAAAABYQ/jQqv8VTQ_6M/s1600-h/dairy_queen_sign.jpg[/url])




I don't get it?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lithunica on August 26, 2008, 03:42:24 PM


I don't get it?
the source for the picture was deleted
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lithunica on August 26, 2008, 03:42:49 PM
(http://photofile.ru/photo/fishki_net/3611840/79760172.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lithunica on August 26, 2008, 05:09:04 PM
(http://photofile.ru/photo/fishki_net/3608560/79612818.jpg)

(http://photofile.ru/photo/fishki_net/3608560/79612962.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lithunica on August 27, 2008, 04:16:44 PM
(http://drawn.ca/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/zerodollars-499x215.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lithunica on August 28, 2008, 11:31:07 AM
(http://www.savagechickens.com/images/chickenchuckice.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on September 05, 2008, 06:05:14 AM
A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He  popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his  hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the heck, I'm gonna give her  a call.
 

'Hello,'  the woman says......OMG, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I  hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give  me one.  No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it  now.  Bring implements: toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got  in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover  me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: eriemermaid on September 05, 2008, 08:09:24 AM
LOL   Now  that was a great one Chips!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on September 06, 2008, 10:16:14 PM



 Incredible  Story



In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .


On a hike through the bush, he came across a  young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant  seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee and inspected the  elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As  carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his  hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The  elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face,  stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of  nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly,  turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of  that day. 


Twenty years later, Peter was walking through  the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant  enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and  hi s son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that  several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter  couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his  courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He  walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant  trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his  stupid *** against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on September 06, 2008, 10:30:32 PM
WOMAN'S POEM:
 
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
 

A MANS POEM
 
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Providence on September 06, 2008, 10:31:16 PM
A young teacher is trying innovative ways to teach her young students...On this day she is trying to teach them about distinguishing different flavors so she brings to class rolls of lifesavers.  

She has each of the children blindfolded and gives each child a specific flavor and asks them to tell her what the flavor is...she first gives the children a red lifesaver.  

The children put them in their mouths and after a short time one child says..".mmm this is cherry. "

"Good job" said the teacher and she lays the green lifesaver for them to taste next.

"mmmm, lime" says another child.

"Very Good" says the teacher.  This time she explained that this new flavor has just been added to the lifesavers and let's see who can get the flavor right.  The new flavor was honey.

The children were having a difficult time distinguishing this flavor so she gives them a hint.

"It's what your mommy calls your daddy, sometimes."

Little Tommy quickly yelled to the rest of the class..."Spit it out, spit it out..it's an a$$hole."   :o ;D :o

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: raspberryrose on September 07, 2008, 10:14:11 AM

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and m afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie"
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

"The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 07, 2008, 10:23:31 AM
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a
conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their
ministry.
 
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such
boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's
attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of
a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by
saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into
laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite
well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try,
and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit
that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It
suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my
life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standingthere for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall
the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out,

"...and I can't remember who she was!"

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend again on September 07, 2008, 09:39:14 PM
CANADIANS IN HELL

Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.

The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold.

We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens.

The devil asks them again, “It's awfully hot down here, and can’t you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply, “Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold.

We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys.

He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere.

He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in absolute misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight.

Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives.

The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.

He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens.

NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I

turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still

happy. What is wrong with you two???"

The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know?

If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on September 10, 2008, 12:23:36 AM
A man calls home to his wife and says, 'Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of
his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that
promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend....and also get out my
rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick
my things up. 'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.' The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy,
but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
 
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
 
He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk
pajamas like I asked you to do?
 
You'll love the answer...
 
.....*****.....
 
....*****...
 
...*****......
 
The wife replies, ' I did, they're in your tackle box.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on September 10, 2008, 12:29:14 AM
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here." :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 11, 2008, 12:22:00 PM
     

> > QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
> >
> >
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> >  Can you cry under water?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > How important does a person have to be before they are
> considered
> assassinated instead of just murdered?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > =0 A
> >
> > Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'...
> but it's only a 'penny for
> your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing
> the clothes you were
> buried in for eternity?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > What disease did cured ham actually have?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > How is it that we put man on the moon before we
> figured out it would be
> a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > Why is it that people say they 'slept like a
> baby' when babies wake up
> like every two hours?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still
> called a hearing?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put
> money in
> binoculars to look at things on the ground?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
> >
> > They're going to see you naked anyway.
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties'
> plural?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
> toast to a horrible
> crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
> stupid song about
> him?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool
> lane?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > If the professor on Gilligan's  Island  can make a
> radio out of a
> coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
> fours?
> >
> > They're both dogs!
> >
> > =0 A
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
> ACME crap, why didn't
> he just buy dinner?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is
> made from
> vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
> come from morons?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
> have the same tune?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside
> the hemisphere, but
> call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
> face, he gets mad at
> you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his
> head out the
> window?
>
> _________________________________________________________________
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on September 12, 2008, 06:26:59 PM
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Good One BRD!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 13, 2008, 06:16:58 PM
NEW DOG  BREEDS. 2008

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by.... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ShihTzu
Oh, never mind....
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 13, 2008, 06:45:38 PM



      HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES


      LOVERS OF WORDS



      I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.



      Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting
a rest.



      Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.



      The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference.



      To write with a broken pencil is pointless.



      When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.



      The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.



      A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.



      A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
criminal.



      When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.



      The dead batteries were given out free of charge.



      A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.



      A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.



      A will is a dead giveaway.



      Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.



      A backward poet writes inverse.



      In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's
your Count that votes.



      A chicken crossing the road, poultry in motion.



      If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.



      Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat
miner..



      The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.



      A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in
Linoleum Blownapart.



      You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


      A calendar's days are numbered.



      A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
('Taint none of it mine lately!!)



      A boiled egg is hard to beat.



      He had a photographic memory which was never developed.


      Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.



      When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.


      When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd
dye.


      Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.


      Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.


      Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 13, 2008, 08:38:38 PM
After parking in the crowded parking lot at the Meijer,  I rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically,
'Now you stay. Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a young blond lady, gave me a strange look and
said,

'Why don't you just put it in Park?'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 13, 2008, 08:44:37 PM
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's
personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately,
they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky
taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested,
she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings
with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has
no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an
easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this
evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her
mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very
simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated
image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 13, 2008, 08:45:41 PM
A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a
drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the
drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home.
Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the
address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is
groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr.
Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes
Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there
he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys.
Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages
to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the
passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground.
Cursing softly now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags
him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and
the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy
answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Murphy? Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight
so I gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But....where's his
wheelchair?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 13, 2008, 08:51:05 PM
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were
interested, both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters,
explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the
father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the
husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a
notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain
transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the
husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband
continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously
helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with
virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her
husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 13, 2008, 08:53:19 PM
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they
do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does
that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable
programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow
(see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems,
their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become
more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 13, 2008, 10:15:14 PM
Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only
job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college
teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith
decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at
this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and
for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery
store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing
in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr.
Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at
teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and
said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the
girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was
related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith
replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of
accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject
matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss
their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back
by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you
find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only
tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick,
and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 13, 2008, 11:02:29 PM
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right
away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go
along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a
honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his
towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck
reverse piked with a double twist. This was followed by a three
rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the
water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the
towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you
we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about
thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out
of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of
the canal."
Title: Re: Jokes more like nursery rymes
Post by: AngelaK on September 15, 2008, 03:04:02 PM
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Had scrambled eggs, for breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead.
then she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels,
a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 16, 2008, 11:03:15 AM
Bubba has a question...

 

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is


It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin

People to git cancer ?'


'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.


'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer


makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers


an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'


'Sure is, Bubba.'


'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was


gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'


'Yep.'


'And that football player sued that university when he


Gradiated and still couldn't read?'


'That's right,' said the lawyer.'
'But why are you asking?'


'Well, I was thinkin...


What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all


them ugly women I slept with?'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: TheShepherd on September 16, 2008, 12:10:46 PM
Bubba has a question...

 

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is


It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin

People to git cancer ?'


'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.


'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer


makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers


an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'


'Sure is, Bubba.'


'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was


gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'


'Yep.'


'And that football player sued that university when he


Gradiated and still couldn't read?'


'That's right,' said the lawyer.'
'But why are you asking?'


'Well, I was thinkin...


What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all


them ugly women I slept with?'


If beer doesn't make you smarter, how can it make Bud wiser? ??? ??? *:) *:) *:) *:) :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 18, 2008, 08:50:41 PM
*RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE*

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front
lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit
unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old
ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the
Nursing Home Administrator.

'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said.

'They're retired prostitutes, & they're having a yardsale.'
 



 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 18, 2008, 10:39:33 PM
ALL GRANDPAS, NEED THIS WARNING:

Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!
My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall and got very frightened.
He approached a uniformed policeman and sobbed, "I've lost my grandpa!!!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

My grandson hesitated for a moment, wiped his tears onto his sleeve and then
replied,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on September 19, 2008, 05:05:01 PM
The Cat in the Hat
On Aging

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my god, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years
have come at last
The Golden Years
can kiss my ***
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is the link to it and other funny/interesting stuff; http://www.popculturist.net/laugh-jokes-fun/
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 20, 2008, 12:04:45 PM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house:'Talking Dog for Sale'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says,'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they
had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United
States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm
just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's such BSerr .. He never did any of that stuff. He was in
the Navy!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: zard0z on September 20, 2008, 12:15:29 PM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house:'Talking Dog for Sale'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says,'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they
had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United
States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm
just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's such BSerr .. He never did any of that stuff. He was in
the Navy!'



 :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 21, 2008, 12:00:45 AM
A little girl asked her mother: How did the human race get here?
The mother answered: God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was
all mankind made.
Two days later she asks her father the same question.

The father answered: Many years ago there were monkeys who came down out of
the trees. They started to walk on their back legs, made tools and fire and
eventually turned into mankind.

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: Momma, why is it that you
told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they came from
monkeys.

The mother answers: Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the
origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 21, 2008, 12:03:41 AM
Two robins were sitting in a tree.

`I'm really hungry`, said the first one.

`Me, too` said the second.

`Let's fly down and find some lunch.`

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground
full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate `til they could
eat no more.

`I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree`, said
the first one.
`Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun`, said
the second.

`O.K.` said the first.

They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had
fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up.

As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought,

`I just love baskin` robins.`
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 21, 2008, 12:05:29 AM
A married couple, in their early 60s, was celebrating their 32nd wedding
anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table. She said: "For
being such an exemplary married couple and especially for being so
thoughtful and loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each
a wish." < /FONT>

"Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my darling
husband"

The fairy waved her magic wand; and -- poof! -- two tickets for the Queen
Mary II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a minute and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going with my mind and
not my Heart. "

"I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed. But a wish is a wish.

So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and - Poof! -- the husband became 92
years old.

The Moral of the story :

Men who are ungrateful husbands should remember; Fairies are Female.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 21, 2008, 12:21:04 AM
NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While
the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig
and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?"

The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the
trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."

Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your
mission?"

The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the
trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth.
Land shuttle. Oink oink."

Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"

The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed
the pigs - and DON'T TOUCH A DAMNED THING!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 21, 2008, 12:36:26 AM
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have
enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's
still out there in your pockets."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The
owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to
the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign.. "Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long
holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as
if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The
minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 21, 2008, 12:10:16 PM
Sir Lancelot - Older/Wiser


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom an! d began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened?

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.


Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly .
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on September 22, 2008, 03:08:25 PM
Florida Ladies


Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their
respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'

He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A man was telling his neighbor in Miami, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'
----------------------------------------


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful'', Morris replied.

To which doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'you?ve got a heart murmur, be careful!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 23, 2008, 04:14:11 PM
An eight-year-old boy went into a shop and picked out a large box of
washing powder. The shopkeeper asked him if he had a lot of washing to
do. "Oh, no," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the shopkeeper.
"It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.
In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped
and carried the washing powder to the counter and paid for it.

A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some sweets. The
shopkeeper asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy
said. The shopkeeper said he was sorry, but added,
"I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the washing powder that
killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ChadB on September 23, 2008, 05:15:17 PM
A man rings his own doorbell. His wife opens the door and finds him standing with a sheep under his arm. He says, "This is the pig I cheat on you with." His wife tells him that is no pig, it's a sheep. He says to his wife, "Shut up, I'm not talking to you!"  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on September 23, 2008, 05:28:33 PM
A man rings his own doorbell. His wife opens the door and finds him standing with a sheep under his arm. He says, "This is the pig I cheat on you with." His wife tells him that is no pig, it's a sheep. He says to his wife, "Shut up, I'm not talking to you!"  ;D



Oh thats just wrong in soooo many ways!  lol
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 23, 2008, 10:31:16 PM
              You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

                Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course
of the meal,
                Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful
Brian's roommate,
                Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the
platonic
                relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only
made her more
                curious.

                Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she
                started to wonder if there was more between Brian and
Jennifer than met
                the eye.

                Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what
you must be
                thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just
roommates.'

                About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ev er
since your
                mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

                Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail
just to be
                sure. So he sat down and wrote:

                Dear Mom,

                I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the
house, I'm not
                saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that
                one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

                Love, Brian
                _________________________________________________________

                Several days later, Brian received an email back from his
mother that
                read:

                Dear Son,

                I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not
saying that you
                'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is
                sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now.

                Love, Mom

                LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: coolmod on September 26, 2008, 01:39:50 PM
My wife had a mirror put up over our bed. She likes to watch herself laugh.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Johnson35 on September 26, 2008, 08:44:47 PM
SMART *** ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters
Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated
in Front. 'What are my choices?' John asked.
Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART *** ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the
Departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended
Her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
your stub.'

SMART *** ANSWE R #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at
 the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied,
'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART *** ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who
Was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for
you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast
as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

SMART *** ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A
sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the
bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are
backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of
his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and
ran out of gas.'

SMART *** ANSWER OF THE YEAR -- A college teacher reminds her class of
tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class , I won't tolerate any excuses for you
not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious
personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no
other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-*** guy in the back of the roo m
raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is
reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher
smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well,
I  guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Two bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12, Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect..'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Johnson35 on September 26, 2008, 08:54:06 PM
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
 
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of
the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will
this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Johnson35 on September 27, 2008, 08:10:05 AM
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was

recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would

put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick

they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day

the girls would put them back.   

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. 

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the

maintenance man.  She explained that all these lip prints were causing a

major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night

(you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

 

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the

maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and

cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. 

 

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 28, 2008, 12:40:46 PM
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
Fishing when he was on the Ark ?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'


HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning
How powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher
Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'


MOSES AND THE RED SEA :
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in
Sunday School.
'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy
Lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt When
He got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the
People walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for
reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe it!'


THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one
Of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters
a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but,
he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely
get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite
Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his
turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my
Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'


UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and
bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages,
'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't do it?' she asked.


BEING THANKFUL
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your
prayers for you each night? That's very commendable.
What does she say?'
The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'


UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one
of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence
and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just
then did!'


TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
'Yes, sir,' the boy replied.
'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.
'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'


ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every
family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would
say,
'And all girls.' As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include
this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,
'Kelli, Why do you always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!'


SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' Said his mother
'I don't have to,' The boy replied.
'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We say a prayer before eating, at
our house'
'That's our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she
knows how to cook!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 28, 2008, 12:51:49 PM

                            Are you one of the lucky people who receive
e-mails only from their friends ? Or are you like most of the rest of us who
get a steady flow of unwanted communications from total strangers with some
individual axe to grind, generally classed as Spam. If the latter, you will
sympathise with the writer of the following heartfelt outburst . . . . .


       " I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft
are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from
the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars
with him for pretending  to be a long lost relative of a customer who died
intestate.
        I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me. And I have learned that my prayers only get answered if
I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.
        I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a friend along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up
and I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me. I can't even pick up the $10.00 I found dropped
in the parking lot because it
probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to
grab my leg.

        If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this
afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump.  I know this because it actually happened to a friend of
my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 28, 2008, 12:56:42 PM
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from
a heart attack!

'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband. The husband dials 911 on his
mobile, talks for a few minutes, picks up  his putter, and lines up his
putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. 'I'm dying
over  here and you're putting?'

'Don't worry dear,' says the husband calmly. 'they found a doctor on the
  second hole and he's coming to help you.'

'Well how long will it take for him to get here,' she asks feebly?

'No time at all', says her husband, practicing his putting stroke.
'Everybody's already agreed to let him play through!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 28, 2008, 02:59:11 PM

The Value of a Drink

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 28, 2008, 03:56:47 PM
"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a
river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he
needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three
axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the
Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is
this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up
with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up
with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all
three.


Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives
so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 28, 2008, 04:15:35 PM
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.

This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The
room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a
week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make
$300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks
pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room
and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy
from Domino's.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 28, 2008, 04:45:48 PM
ONLY IN CALIFORNIA


"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers? You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other.Besides,
we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been
denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get
married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have.
But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want
to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just
because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license."
"Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane
loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me.
All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our
sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's
just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples.
The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the
constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage
license!"

"All right, all right."
"Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry
the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."


Next a guy walks in with a sheep.

"That does it! I quit!!

You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on September 28, 2008, 05:09:20 PM
Sam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched
their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely
due to the  wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last
decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and
their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly
gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with
a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath and their
favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he
said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

Sam asked how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in
Heaven."

Sam looked at the window and right there he saw a championship golf course,
finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens
fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free, every day"

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every
imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic
deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is all
free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. "Well, where are
the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink as
much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!"

Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself. "

Sam glared at Edith and said, "You and your awfyk bran muffins. We could
have been here 15 years ago.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on September 29, 2008, 02:41:37 PM
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.  She left a
note
for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought
she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on
the door to clarify the point.


The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note
asking
me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" 

 

The blonde said, "No,I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful 
again."

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'


YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS....

 

The blonde said,  "No, just up to my boobs.  I can splash it on my
eyes."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tiny on October 01, 2008, 12:04:41 AM
LIQUID ASSETS
 
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago,
you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer,
then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,
you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink a lot of
beer & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frank Rizzo on October 01, 2008, 01:34:08 PM
You say "Meijers" instead of "Meijer"  LOL
[/q   uote]

you work at Fords instead of Ford.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Parvo E. Boli on October 02, 2008, 06:24:19 AM


too many jokes for my poor eyes to read, lets see if you ever heard this one?


A woman goes into her doctor, she was rather nervous and told her doctor she had something she did not want to admit.  She then proceded to tell him that she had been married three times, and was still a virgin.

Her doctor was somewhat perplexed so he asked her to explain.

She said "well my first husband, well he had been in a war, and stepped on a land mine, let's just say "he did not have anything to do it with"

Then my second husband, well I think he must of been gay, he never "wanted to do anything"

Then my third husband, well, see he was a Republican, all he ever did was sit on the edge of the bed and tell me "how good it was going to be".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on October 03, 2008, 02:36:47 AM
SENILITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'



I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
And perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
Told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: TheShepherd on October 03, 2008, 11:09:45 AM
ONLY IN CALIFORNIA


"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers? You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other.Besides,
we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been
denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get
married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have.
But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want
to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just
because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license."
"Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane
loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me.
All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our
sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's
just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples.
The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the
constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage
license!"

"All right, all right."
"Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry
the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."


Next a guy walks in with a sheep. :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o

"That does it! I quit!!

You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"
;D
Title: Re: Jokes, Losing your purse in Mexico
Post by: Frenchfry on October 04, 2008, 08:13:46 PM
Losing your purse in Mexico
A girl was traveling through Mexico on vacation when,
low and behold, she lost her purse and all identification.
Cutting her trip short, she attempted to make her way home,
but was stopped by a Mexican Customs Agent at the Tijuana
border.

'May I see your identification, por favor,
se?or?' asked the agent.

'I'm sorry, but I lost my purse,
replied the girl.

'Si, I hear that every day. No ID, no
crossing the border,' said the agent.

'But I can prove that I'm an American!'
she exclaimed. 'I have a picture of Bill Clinton
tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Hillary Clinton
tattooed on the other.'

'This I must see,' replied the agent. With
that, the American dropped her pants and bent over in front
of the agent.

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you're right!'
exclaimed the agent. 'Have a safe trip back to Arizona.'

'Thanks!' she said. 'But why do you think
I'm from Arizona ?'

The agent replied, 'I recognized John McCain in
the middle!'

(http://images.craigslist.org/1f5122149ZZZZZZZZZ8a459028e7eff21112c.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on October 05, 2008, 07:03:30 PM

Following the problems in the financial sector in the USA, uncertainty
has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly
up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will
likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were
suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja
Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report
that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is
feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bloo II on October 05, 2008, 10:46:34 PM
(http://monroetalks.com/pictures/albums/userpics/13101/Bear.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lethlweapn on October 05, 2008, 10:49:28 PM
(http://i208.photobucket.com/albums/bb266/jadenlife/Desperation.jpg?t=1195518348)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on October 07, 2008, 05:46:16 AM

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.

They stopped that  after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on October 07, 2008, 05:57:34 AM
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
 section of an airplane.
 The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then
 visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

 The man went back to his reading.

 A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her
 nose, then shuddered violently once more.

 Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
 about the shuddering.
 A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.  As before
 she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than
 before.

 Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, 'I
 couldn't help but notice' he said, 'that you've sneezed three times,
 wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.  Are you ok?'

 'I am sorry if I disturbed you ,' she replied. 'I have a very rare
 medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

 The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was very curious, 'I happen to be
 a doctor and I have  never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are
 you taking anything for it?'

 The woman nodded, 'Black Pepper.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bloo II on October 07, 2008, 09:12:22 AM
Snixxx... The cat in the Oblongs smokes!!  :D

(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/5/5e/Oblongs_DVD.jpg/230px-Oblongs_DVD.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on October 07, 2008, 11:18:08 AM
Snixxx... The cat in the Oblongs smokes!!  :D

([url]http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/5/5e/Oblongs_DVD.jpg/230px-Oblongs_DVD.jpg[/url])


Bloo....I loved that show.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on October 07, 2008, 07:45:17 PM
NEW TORNADO POLICY for  Detroit  and nearby areas

     
    In case of possible tornadoes sweeping through  Detroit and nearby areas,
    we ask that all residents take shelter at Lion's Ford Field.

    We are certain that a touchdown will not occur there.

    Thank you for your cooperation,
    National Weather Bureau
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on October 08, 2008, 07:16:56 AM
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the *exact* words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend again on October 08, 2008, 08:28:43 AM
http://www.peteyandpetunia.com/VoteHere/VoteHere.htm
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on October 08, 2008, 08:43:36 AM
[url]http://www.peteyandpetunia.com/VoteHere/VoteHere.htm[/url]


Very good riversbend again...   too bad there are so many "truths" in there :D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: coolmod on October 08, 2008, 04:22:43 PM
My best friend was sent to prison for 1 year. The only thing he worried about was getting raped.
He never showered  for 1 year. He was too busy getting raped.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on October 09, 2008, 03:12:21 PM
You can compare Women to the Continents.

When she is 21 to 31, she is like Africa. Wild, Untamed, and Adventurous.
When she is 31 to 41, she is like America. Vibrant, Exciting, and Glamouous.
When she is 41 to 51, she is like Europe. Serene, Beautiful, and Loving.
When she is 51 to 61, she is like England. Royal, Stately, Calm and Collected.
When she is 61 to 71, she is like Greenland. Everyone knows where it is but nobody wants to go there.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on October 10, 2008, 12:51:37 AM
A blonde lady holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the
clerk if
she can use the store's baby scale.

"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can
figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the
adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second
number from the first."

"Oh, that won't work," says the woman.

"Why not?" asks the clerk.

"Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on October 10, 2008, 12:53:17 AM
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
Mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's
talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get
dinner.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on October 10, 2008, 12:58:55 AM
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset!

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.  'How dare you do this to me
-- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!  I'm leaving you.  I
want a divorce straight away!'

And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can
tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll ever
say to me!!

And the husband began --

'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here
asked me for a lift.  She looked so down and out and defenceless that I
took pity on her and let her into the car.  I noticed that she was thin,
poorly dressed and very dirty.  She told me that she hadn't eaten for
three days!

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I
made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're
afraid you'll put on weight.  The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of hole s, so I
threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have
had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
you don't use because I don't have good taste.  I went and found the
sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas the one that you don't wear
just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that
expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair
the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for
my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to
me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, do you have anything else
that your wife doesn't use?'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on October 12, 2008, 10:36:23 AM
>
 
 She Has Destroyed My Fishing Pleasure!
 

 Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my
 lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to
 hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
 into a torrential down pour.
 
 The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage,
 turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would
 be bad throughout the day.

 I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
 back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now
 with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The
 weather out there is terrible.'
 
 My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my
 stupid husband is out fishing in that sh*t?'

 I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I
 have stopped fishing.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on October 13, 2008, 10:59:03 AM
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"Honey," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on October 13, 2008, 04:02:57 PM
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone' .
 
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone .




After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone
again, I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called 
him that any more .

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone . '
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night . He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion .


The word got around that Onestone meant what 
he promised he would do .
Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until a woman 
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away . Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone . She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone . '


Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, 
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why ???


 
OH, come on . . . take a guess !!!




Think about it !!!


Everyone knows . . .


You can't kill Two Birds
 
with OneStone !!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: T-M-T on October 17, 2008, 11:24:39 AM
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama Bin Laden made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you, idiot. What did you think I said?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on October 17, 2008, 02:33:49 PM
 
 
Confucius Say:
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Virginity like
bubble, one prick, all gone.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Man who run behind
car get exhausted..
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Man with hand in
pocket feel cocky all day.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
 
Foolish man give
wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Man with one
chopstick go hungry.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Man who scratch ***
should not bite fingernails.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Man who stand on
toilet is high on pot.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Man who fart in
church sit in own pew.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Person who deletes this has no humor!!!
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Now send it to 1
or more people.
 
Nothing will
happen but 1 or more people will be laughing.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on October 19, 2008, 09:05:48 PM
The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know
where her Sunday edition was.
"Ma'am," said the employee, "today is Saturday.  The Sunday paper is not
delivered until Sunday."

There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of
recognition.
"I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on October 19, 2008, 09:11:02 PM
There's a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed.
A friend approaches him and asks, "Why the long face, Ralph?" "Oh, I'm
just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there's
just nothing left to challenge me."

His friend says, "No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul
McCartney?"He says, "Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show
you." He goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears a
British accent, "Hey Ralph, how ya doing?"He talks for a while, but when
Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney
on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the
president.Ralph says, "Sure, we go way back." This time he lets him
listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like the president on
the other end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the
current economic scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the
conversation to a close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up.His friend
is a little dumbfounded at this point.

"Well, there must be someone that you don't know." He goes over a few
more people in his mind, and thinks, 'He can't possibly know the Pope.
After all, he's a Protestant.'But Ralph claims to know him, so to
convince himself otherwise, his friend decides to fly both himself and
Ralph to the Vatican to get positive proof of Ralph's conviction. So
they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out
in the Papal square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He's
standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the
private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph.Ralph looks down,
sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs down to see
what can be done for him. "What happened to you? Couldn't you accept the
fact that I really do know the Pope?""No, I'd begun to accept that
possibility. But what really took my breath away was some stranger
standing next to me who said, 'Who's that guy standing there with Ralph?'"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on October 21, 2008, 03:10:23 AM
Financial Terms Explained
 
 
 
So you can stay current, Financial Terms re-explained
 
 
 
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
 
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
 
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
 
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
 
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
 
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
 
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
 
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
 
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
 
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
 
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been d isconnected.
 
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
 
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
 
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
 
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
 
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
 
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on October 21, 2008, 03:18:45 AM
A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some
cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!

I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacists wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't
tell me you had a prescription
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on October 21, 2008, 03:25:37 AM
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove
up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with
that dead donkey?'Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two
dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for the government.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on October 21, 2008, 07:13:01 AM
GRANDMAS DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING......

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.

'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said

'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on October 21, 2008, 10:58:11 AM
STUD ROOSTER


A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says,
"Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over."
The old rooster says,
"I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Dammit.....
third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
always overcome youth and arrogance!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on October 22, 2008, 07:31:57 PM


The Bathtub Test

    During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do
    You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
    teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

    'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

    'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

    ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on October 23, 2008, 07:30:28 AM


"SON OF A *****" FISH

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. 


On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it  in. 


The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a *****!' 


'Son,  I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!' 


'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a ***** fish!' 


'Really?  Well then, help me land this Son of a *****!' 


Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. 


'Father, that's the biggest Son of a ***** I've ever seen' 


'Yes, it is a big Son of a *****. What should I do with it?' 


'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a  *****!' 


Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. 


While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. 


'Take a look at this big Son of a ***** I caught!' 


Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!' 


'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a ***** fish!' 


'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a *****?' 


Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days
and that they should fix the Son of a ***** for his dinner. 

'I'll even clean the Son of a *****', she said.


As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. 


'What are you doing Sister?' 


'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a ***** for the new Bishop's Dinner' 


'Sister!  I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!' 


'No,  no, no, it's called a Son of a ***** Fish.'


'Really?  Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it,

and that Son of a ***** can be the main course!

Let  me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a *****.' 


On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.

The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. 


The  new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?' 


'I  caught that Son of a *****!' proclaimed the proud priest. 


'And I cleaned the Son of a *****!' exclaimed the Sister. 


The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a *****, using a special recipe! 


The new Bishop looked around at each of them. 


A  big smile crept across his face as he said, 

'You  f**kers are my kind of people!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: autum on October 25, 2008, 06:34:28 PM

The Bathtub Test

    During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do
    You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
    teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

    'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

    'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

    ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?

 ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on October 25, 2008, 07:26:14 PM
There once was this little boy who was staying at his grandparent's farm for the weekend.
Saturday morning, just before he went outside to play, his grandmother called for him and told him...
"If you ever get stung by a bee, the best thing to put on it is buttermilk."
He said, "Ok Grandma", and proceeded outside to play.

Well, he went off playing in the woods and soon realized that he had to go to the bathroom. So he steps behind a tree and pulls it out and starts going. As he is doing that, a bee comes along and lands on it and stings him.

The boy started yelling and saying, "Oh now what am I to do? It hurts really, really bad!". Well he remembered what his grandmother told him, and he remembered that an old lady lived close by.
He ran to her house and knocked on the door. The old woman answered and the little boy asked, "Excuse me ma'am, you wouldn't happen to have any buttermilk would ya?" The old lady replied, "Why yes I do, I just made a fresh batch this morning... I'll get you a glass".
She returned and gave him the glass of buttermilk. He said, "Thank you" and took off to the side of the house. The old lady was puzzled by this. "I wonder why he didn't drink it in front of me?"
So she walked down to the end of the porch and looked around the corner.
There stood the little boy, dunking it in the buttermilk.

The old lady thought to herself, "Finally! After 80 years, I finally find out how they reload those things."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend again on October 25, 2008, 08:18:13 PM
(http://www.bubbleinfo.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/haunted-houses1.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on October 25, 2008, 08:22:43 PM
([url]http://www.bubbleinfo.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/haunted-houses1.gif[/url])


I don't think I'd call this a joke.  I think I'd call it more of a tragedy.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend again on October 25, 2008, 08:24:45 PM
I don't think I'd call this a joke.  I think I'd call it more of a tragedy.


I agree with you there, but laughing beats the hell out of crying.  :-\
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on October 25, 2008, 08:26:05 PM

I agree with you there, but laughing beats the hell out of crying.  :-\

Can't disagree with that.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on October 25, 2008, 08:38:58 PM
([url]http://images.craigslist.org/1101g613bZZZZZZZZZ8apbc4e958bfa221425.jpg[/url])



LOL......Yeah I'm drunk.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: katy scarlett on October 29, 2008, 03:06:00 PM
just got this in an e-mail forward and thought it was cute


the 4 Affairs

The 1st Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

The 2nd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the
largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to
be cremated  with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for
posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 3rd Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so
I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days
at the Smiths and nobody
offered me a damned thing.'

The 4th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly,
Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu a nd asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a
bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The ba rtender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on November 03, 2008, 07:42:51 AM
Mood Jewelry
 
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to tell when I'm in a good or bad mood.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big frickin red mark on his forehead.
 
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb a**.
 
 
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on November 05, 2008, 07:10:19 AM
Subject: sentence structure is important

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Mary or Jack.. It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the
first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.

She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her
and said: 'Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you
or Jack off .'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FritzTheKat on November 05, 2008, 07:13:47 AM
Subject: sentence structure is important

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Mary or Jack.. It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the
first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.

She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her
and said: 'Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you
or Jack off .'



A dilemma face by many men.   :D ;) :D ;D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on November 05, 2008, 12:04:54 PM
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc .

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,

'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,

'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'


'It's The Box Office.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on November 07, 2008, 05:45:46 AM
    A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY  MORNING.

    THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

     HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT -GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,

    AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on November 07, 2008, 11:35:50 PM
 The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his

attorney.  The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and

no  full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win

money  gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'    I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about

a  demonstration? ' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'  Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my

own eye.'  The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'  Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.  The auditor's jaw drops.  Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can

bite my  other eye.'  Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.  Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.  The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three

grand,  with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six

thousand  dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into

that  wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in

between.'  The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully

and  decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that

stunt, so  he agrees again.  Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although

he  strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on

the  other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.  The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a

major  loss into a huge win.    But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.  'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.  'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told

me  he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand

dollars  that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that

you'd be  happy about it.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on November 12, 2008, 02:57:33 AM
If so, it is one hell of a story.  If not, it is just plain funny.
I am told, that it is definitely TRUE.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, he not
only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind" statement, but he followed it by several remarks that were not broadcast
to the general public but were only for the use of mission control and the other Apollo astronauts.

Just before reentering the moon lander, Neil Armstrong made the enigmatic
remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people who heard the remark thought it was some type of comment
about a rival Soviet cosmonaut.  Upon checking, however, there was no
one named "Gorsky" in the Soviet program or, for that matter, any other
program.

Over the years, many people questioned Neil Armstrong about the "Good
luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement, but all he would do is smile and ignore the question.

Last year, on July 5, 1997 while answering questions following a speech,

a reporter raised the nearly 30 year old question to Armstrong.  He
responded because Mr. Gorsky finally died and Armstrong thought he could
answer the question without any negative repercussions to Mr. Gorsky.

The story:
When Armstrong was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
Armstrong backyard.  His friend hit a fly ball that landed in front of
the neighbor's bedroom window.  His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the baseball, young Neil Armstrong heard
Mrs. Gorsky "Oral sex!  You want oral sex!  You'll get oral sex when the kid
next door walks on the moon!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on November 14, 2008, 05:19:41 PM
I received this in email today......its funny and wrong in the same light.


Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately . The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank .

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding . As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat . '

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding . The process continued until all safes were opened .

They did not f! ind one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold . Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding . Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy , uncomfortably full stomach . The newspaper headline read:

' IRELAND 'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING . . . '
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: coolmod on November 14, 2008, 06:31:38 PM
"How was your blind date?"

"Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls Royce."

"What's so terrible about that?"

"He was the original owner."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: riversbend again on November 15, 2008, 09:44:50 PM
A hillbilly went hunting one day in Kentucky and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Kentucky hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This duck ain't from Kentucky . This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?'

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee Hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, Then Reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed Its butt, and Said, 'This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's From Mississippi . You got a Mississippi license?'
The Hillbilly Reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi Hunting license. 

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from Alabama. You got a Alabama huntin' license?'
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Alabama hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, 'Boy, just where the heck are you from?'

The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said,
'You tell me. You're the expert.'



Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bethany6788 on November 15, 2008, 10:13:54 PM
LOL riv..i love that !!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on November 16, 2008, 10:43:56 PM
A man owned a small farm in Michigan. The IRS claimed he
was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out
to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded
the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me
for 3 years.
I pay him$£200 a week plus free room and board.'

'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week
plus free room and board.'

'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week,
pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every
Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on November 16, 2008, 10:56:20 PM
This one is dedicated to all the deer hunters out there enjoying themselves this time of year...

Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.
 
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
 
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it  down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
 
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
 
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were  not having any of it.
 
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed
up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
 
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
 
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
 
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand
there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
 
That deer EXPLODED.
 
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I
could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
 
A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many
other animals.
 
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
 
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
 
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
 
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back  up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
 
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
 
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
 
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
 
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
 
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
 
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.
 
While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
 
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
 
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.  This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
 
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such
trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a
different strategy.
 
I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
 
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
 
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
 
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
 
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
 
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.
 
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on November 17, 2008, 07:41:53 PM
When the driver of a huge tractor-trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on November 17, 2008, 07:43:20 PM
So there are two guys walking through the desert, and they happen upon a hole that they can't see the bottom of. So one says to the other, "Let's see how deep it goes."

So they pick up a small rock, and toss it in. No sound. So they get a really big rock, heft it over to the hole, and toss it in. Again, no sound.

So they come across a railroad tie. Now I don't know if any of you have ever been up close and personal with a railroad tie, but they're huge. Anyway, so they toss it down the hole.

And then, out of nowhere a goat comes running and jumps in the hole! "Wow. That was really weird," one says to the other.

A short time later a desert farmer (he grows sand or something) comes walking up and says, "Have you guys seen my goat?"

"Oh, no," says one guy. "It was really strange. I don't know how to tell you this, sir, but your goat just came running out of nowhere and jumped in this hole."

"But that's impossible," says the farmer. "I had him tied to a railroad tie!"

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on November 20, 2008, 12:35:09 AM
So, what do you get when you cross an agnostic, an insomniac
and a dyslexic?

[scroll down for answer]
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Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: eriemermaid on November 20, 2008, 06:17:03 AM
An Old Marine Corps Story

There's an old story in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines in the        field, and afterward told the 'Gunny' that the men smelled bad. 

The lieutenant suggested the solution is that they should change underwear.  The Gunny responded, 'Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!'
       
The Gunny went straight to the squad tent and announced, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear".
       
Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowsky, and Brown, you change with Schultz..   Now get to it!'

       
THE MORAL: 
       
A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington , but don't count on things smelling any better.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on November 25, 2008, 09:35:11 AM
Just think -
If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey we would all be having a piece of A** for Thanksgiving!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on November 29, 2008, 05:39:51 PM
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."

A man walks into a doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the physician. "It's, well, I have five penises," replies the man. "Holy crap!" says the doctor, "How do your pants fit?" "Like a glove."

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy says nervously, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

Q: How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
A: When her favorite sexual position is next door.

A transsexual was being interviewed on a radio talk show. The host asked the transsexual, "When you became a woman, what sort of pain did you experience during the operation?" The transsexual replied, "Well, when they cut my penis off, that really didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Then they implanted the silicone implants in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either." "Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?" the host asked. "You're joking! What really hurt was when they removed half my brain and doubled the size of my mouth!"

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.

Q: How can you prove that a dog is truly a man's best friend?
A: Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on December 01, 2008, 07:55:35 PM
A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 27 about 2 miles North of
the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he
was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his
way to Ft. Wayne to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be
late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if
the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a
ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have
anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and
asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got
5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, A car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken
good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over
to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him
and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he
thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my *** to jail, cause there ain't
no way I can pass that test.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on December 05, 2008, 08:05:10 PM
Senior in WalMart line:



Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Sheriff the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: cc on December 05, 2008, 08:09:57 PM
Ever wonder how it came that we have an angel as a tree top?



A Christmas Story for people having a bad day: 

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not producetoys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel thePre-Christmas pressure. 

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed  Santa even more.

 When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them wereabout to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,Heaven knows where.

 Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

 Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shotof rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drankall the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally  dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces  all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the micehad eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

 Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great bigChristmas tree. 

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this alovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me tostick it?'   

 And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Johnson35 on December 07, 2008, 09:55:35 PM
Detroit, Michigan - FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2008 -- Detroit Lions football practice was delayed nearly two hours this afternoon after a player reported finding an unknown white powder substance on the practice field.

Head coach Rod Marinelli immediately suspended practice while police and federal agents were called in to investigate.

After doing a complete analysis, Michigan State Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line.  Practice was resumed after the forensic experts decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.....

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Aunt Lisa on December 08, 2008, 02:49:35 PM



         Good News, Gas prices at a five year low, so now everyone can afford to get to their job they don't have anymore.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on December 11, 2008, 12:46:03 PM


A question for the man on the street: how do you flirt?
([url]http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3663/H_3663_14.jpg[/url])
Okay Shawn, that's not flirting, that's assault!




LOL that cracked me up.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on December 16, 2008, 11:34:02 PM
(Parody of "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year")


It's the most fattening time of the year
With that pumpkin pie filling
And everyone swilling
Down eggnog and beer
It's the most fattening time of the year

It's the lip-smakinist season of all
While you're shopping you're cheating
Impulsively eating
That junk at the mall
It's the heaviest season of all

There'll be turkeys for basting
And stuffing for tasting
And giblets and gravy will flow
There'll be cookies that mom baked
And leftover fruitcake
From a Christmas a long time ago

It's the scale flattening time of the year
While your diet you're blowing
There's calories going
Straight down to your rear
It's the scale flattening time of the year

There'll be after meal dozing
And arteries closing
Cholesterol levels will grow
It's too cold to go jogging
Too brisk for tobogganing
So pass me a hot buttered roll

It's the most fattening time of the year
All those gingerbread shingles
And chocolate Kris Kringles
Will tremble in fear
It's the most fattening time
It's a belt loosening time
It's the most fattening time of the year
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on December 17, 2008, 07:44:30 PM
10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't

10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 19, 2008, 12:25:56 AM
Christmas Quickies

Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.
--  P.J. O'Rourke

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.
--  Tom Sims

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soots him.

Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

Bill Stebbins, Live well, Laugh often, Love much...
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 22, 2008, 05:51:56 PM
President Bush has approved a $17.4 billion loan for Detroit. True to form, each of the Big 3 automakers immediately invested that money with Bernie Madoff. (Jake Novak)


President Bush admits that al Queda was not in Iraq when the U.S. invaded. His response to the mistake was "So what?" Apparently Bush has a future once he leaves the White House as a Wall Street bank executive.  (Jim Barach)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on December 23, 2008, 11:50:59 AM
How do you know that Santa Claus is a man?

He shows up late at night, emptys his sack, and leaves while you're sleeping....
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Natasha on December 24, 2008, 12:42:30 PM

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, "I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?"
 
Angelina Jolie agreed. "I'm told I'm the most gorgeous woman of them all, but sometimes I wonder."
 
Brad Pitt said,"I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed."
 
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were
true was to ask the famed talking "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall" to confirm for
them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina was the most gorgeous and
Brad was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
 
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. "Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world."
 
Brad Pitt perked up and said, "And I know for sure that I'm the sexiestman alive."
 
But Angelina Jolie lifted her sad, gorgeous face and said..."Who the hell is Natasha???"


If you can't be a good example - - - then you'll just have to be a horrible warning!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: zard0z on December 24, 2008, 12:51:33 PM
Angelina Jolie agreed. "I'm told I'm the most gorgeous woman of them all, but sometimes I wonder."



(http://l.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/31.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Griff on December 24, 2008, 02:33:47 PM
<snip> Who the hell is Natasha???"


If you can't be a good example - - - then you'll just have to be a horrible warning!

 :D :D :D :D

that's a nice chuckle...

peace,
Griff
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 27, 2008, 09:55:39 PM
Okay it’s time for some laughs….

(http://www.weirdthings.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/mr-bean-has-had-a-baby-man-its-ugly.jpg)

(http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h103/mmoser/ugly_baby.jpg)

(http://clemkuek.com/images/ugly_baby.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: TheShepherd on December 28, 2008, 09:52:35 AM

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?'
 
She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do
for you for free.'
 
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his
suitcase.
 
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on
$800 a year.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 29, 2008, 09:04:20 PM
Gift Comments
(or what do you say when you get a gift for Christmas you REALLY don't like)

*  Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!

*  You know, what with all the hostile takeovers this year, I
    guess missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. And would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!

*  Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it,
    or put batteries in it, I'm happy!

*  No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh,
    wow! It's a clip-on too!

*  You know, I always wanted one of these! Just jog my memory, what's it called again?

*  You know what?  I'm going to find a special place to put this!

*  Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!

*  And it's such an interesting color too!

*  You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!

*  You shouldn't have! I mean it -- you really shouldn't have!

                Bill Stebbins, Live well, Laugh often, Love much...
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on December 31, 2008, 06:28:45 PM
You've been waiting for them, so
without further ado, here are the 2008 Darwin awards:
 
                        Eighth Place 
                         In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got
 stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head
 first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his
 car keys.
                         
                        Seventh Place 
                         A 49-year-old San Francisco
 stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,'
 accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily
 run.   
 
                         Sixth Place 
                        While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21,
 dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been
 sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed,
 burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used
 their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not
 reach him.. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
 almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a
 hospital.
                           
 
 
                        Fifth Place
 
                           
                        Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as
 he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
 burglarizing.  Death was caused when the long flashlight he
 had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into
 the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
 
                        Fourth Place 
                        Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was
 killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not
 put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and
 pull the trigger.   
 
                         Third Place 
                        After stepping around a marked police
 patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into
 H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store.
 The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
 standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the
 would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild
 shots from a target pistol.  The officer and a clerk
 promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew
 their guns and fired. Paramedics pronounced the robber dead
 at the scene.  Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
 cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed
 23 gunshot wounds.   Ballistics identified rounds from 7
 different weapons. No one else was hurt.   
 
                         HONORABLE MENTION   
                        Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie
 were bored just driving around at 2 AM. so they lit a
 quarter stick of dynamite to  toss out the window to see
 what would happen.  Apparently they failed to notice the
 window was closed.   
 
                         RUNNER UP 
                        Kerry Bingham had been drinking with
 several friends when one of them said they knew a person who
 had bungee-jumped from a  local bridge in the middle of
 traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10
 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM..
 Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered
 that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had
 continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil
 of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end
 around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the
 bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened
 and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived
 his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby
 fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.   
 
                         AND THE WINNER IS... 
                        Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt
 (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses
 of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs
 and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got
 relief Investigators say the ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was
 attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema
 when the relieved beast unloaded.  The sheer force of the
 elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt
 to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
 elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of
 him..  It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that
 proves..  'Sh*t   happens'.
                         
                        THEY WALK AMONG  US... IT ALWAYS
 SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING
 THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 31, 2008, 06:44:37 PM
GENE POOL (Winners?)

While someone has quite an imagination and that compilation was entertaining…..it is lacking a little something that I normally look for in a joke…..mainly I didn’t find it funny in a ha ha sort of sense but more of a funny in a strange sense.

But I’m sure I posted some bombs as well……moving on….
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on December 31, 2008, 07:20:25 PM
I love it when those tabloid psychics and fortune tellers make daring predictions for the New Year:  Paris Hilton will date some guys -- Tom Cruise will act weird -- the Pope will wear a big hat -- Simon Cowell will insult some bad singers.  Ooooh, how do they do it?!   (Toms Lake Humor Company)


 The daughter of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has given birth to a son.  … Gov. Palin said he weighs 7 pounds, 4 ounces; or roughly the same as a fresh moose liver.
… Gov. Palin celebrated the way every first-time Alaskan grandmother celebrates: sautéed whale blubber sandwiches and moose lips margaritas.  (comedy writer Jerry Perisho)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 01, 2009, 10:32:01 AM
(http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3671/H_3671_02.jpg)
http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3671/02.shtml#headline
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BigRedDog on January 01, 2009, 11:41:35 AM
(http://paul.kedrosky.com/WindowsLiveWriter/BuyaToasterGetaFreeBank_D24D/image001_thumb.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 02, 2009, 09:17:39 PM
 Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, just had a baby boy and they named him Tripp. Really, Tripp? Still, it is better than Sarah’s suggestion: Joe the Baby.    (comedy writer   Alex Kaseberg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 06, 2009, 11:16:07 PM
The top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant:

     17. "I finished the Oreos."

     16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

     15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

     14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

     13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? Feb. 1st is the Super Bowl."

     12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

     11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

     10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

     9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

     8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

     7. "Get your own ice cream."

     6. "Gee, you're awfully puffy looking today."

     5. "Got milk?"

     4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

     3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

     2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

     
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:

     1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

                                                     [From Joke of the Day]
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 11, 2009, 06:07:32 PM
Old Timers Bar

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida

They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.'

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you!

What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men asks for a martini.

In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'that’ll be 10 cents each, please'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.

Then look at each other...

They can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.'

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?

'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar.

Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place.

Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end
of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired farts from Michigan…….They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on January 12, 2009, 05:46:13 PM
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Detroit.

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining, Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on January 13, 2009, 09:04:13 AM
The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .

'In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world? The Pope, really confused by t he questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting.......

Grumpy screwed a penguin!' 'Grumpy screwed a penguin!' 'Grumpy screwed a penguin!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 13, 2009, 10:04:08 AM
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
 
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
 
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
 
As the officer  writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
 
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
 
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
 
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
 
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
 
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
 
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU JUST PLEASE SHUT UP??'
 
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
 
 
 
I love this part...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

'Only when he's been drinking.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 13, 2009, 12:11:42 PM
 In parts of Alaska the temperature is down in the minus 50s. Folks up there are used to the cold, they take precautions against frostbite.  The average Alaskan can count the number of times he's had frostbite on the finger of one hand. (Toms Lake Humor Company) 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 14, 2009, 09:17:05 AM
Signs You Don't Have A Good Secretary

Your customers come around only during her lunch period; they peek around the door asking, "Is the coast clear?"

When she gets low on typing paper she asks you what to do; you tell her to use copy paper. She then takes a blank piece of typing paper, puts it into the copy machine and makes 10 copies.

The Ringling Brothers Clown College announces that she has won a prize for her original make-up.

She staples her thumbs together more frequently than once a week

Types 60 words per minute ..... but not in English.
[From Jokes Every Day]
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: zard0z on January 16, 2009, 03:47:37 PM
(http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/celebrity-pictures-shaw-foo.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: zard0z on January 16, 2009, 03:56:24 PM
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/political-pictures-sarah-palin-pouting.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PXaiver on January 16, 2009, 04:09:04 PM
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: eriemermaid on January 16, 2009, 07:24:07 PM


A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says

"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a  Brazilian?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 17, 2009, 07:57:01 PM
How to Know Where the Driver Is From

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California.

With gun in lap: LA

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: Arkansas

Two hands gripping wheel of white Cadillac, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: South Florida or Scottsdale, Arizona.

[From AAA Jokes]
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 21, 2009, 05:30:21 PM
Lake Erie is supposed to completely freeze over. Which is interesting, because a lot of people were predicting  something would freeze over before we elected an African-American President. (Jimmy Kimmel) 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on January 21, 2009, 07:30:47 PM
(http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3693/H_3693_16.jpg)

(http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3693/H_3693_18.jpg)

(http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3693/H_3693_32.jpg)
Botox for dogs, called bowowtox. Look at the before and after pictures!

(http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3693/H_3693_38.jpg)

(http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3693/H_3693_40.jpg)
http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: eriemermaid on January 24, 2009, 09:36:01 PM

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart.


The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.  After

a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.


As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and

that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FritzTheKat on January 26, 2009, 06:00:48 AM
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart.


The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.  After

a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.


As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and

that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.


LOL.
 :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: eriemermaid on January 26, 2009, 06:20:02 PM
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over
to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear
of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe!

They are in trench coats exposing their nude
bodies and private
parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down
looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up.

Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't
long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and
starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! 'What's going
on here?'
 
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by
the road ?' I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

So I told him, 'Hello-o-o-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: FritzTheKat on January 27, 2009, 05:48:39 AM
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over
to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear
of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe!

They are in trench coats exposing their nude
bodies and private
parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down
looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up.

Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't
long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and
starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! 'What's going
on here?'
 
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by
the road ?' I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

So I told him, 'Hello-o-o-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers!'

So that was you causing the ruckus. LMAO   :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on January 27, 2009, 02:46:43 PM
The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.     
As he is locking him up, he asks, 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'       
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her.  So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did...

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of  sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy. '

And here I  am.'

           Son of a Gun,  Blonde Men do exist
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on January 29, 2009, 02:28:42 PM
  Three women and three men are traveling by train to the
> football game.
>
> At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and
> watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
>
> 'How are the three of you going to travel on only one
> ticket?' asks one of the men.
>
>
>
> 'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.
>

>
> They all board the train. The three men take their
> respective seats but
> all three women cram into a toilet together and close
> the door.

>
> Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes
> around
> collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says,
> 'Ticket,
> please.' The door opens just a crack, and a single arm
> emerges with a
> ticket in hand.
>

>
> The conductor takes it and moves on.
>

>
> The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever
> idea; so,
> after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the
> return trip and
> save some money.
>

>
> When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for
> the return
> trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women
> don't buy any
> ticket at all!!
>

>
> 'How are you going to travel without a ticket?'
> says one perplexed man.
>
>   
> 'Watch and learn, answer the women.
>

>
> When they board the train, the three men cram themselves
> into a toilet,
> and the three women cram into another toilet just down the
> way.
>
>
> Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women
> leaves her
> toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are
> hiding.
>

>
> The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket,
> please.'
>

>
> I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they
> are smarter than
> women.**

 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on February 05, 2009, 05:18:49 AM
Dad Always Says:

     - If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

     - I don't get even, I get odder.

     - I am having an out of money experience.

     - I am in shape. Round is a shape.

     - Insanity is hereditary . . . You get it from your kids.

     - I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.

     - Practice safe eating; always use condiments.

     - You're never too old to learn . . . Especially if you have Alzheimer's.

     - Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

     - Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

     - It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

     - If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

     - If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.

     - I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

     - I do weight-lifting every morning -- getting out of bed!

[From Joke of the Day]
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Monrover on February 06, 2009, 10:35:44 PM
C, E-flat and G go into a bar.


C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development. " Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on February 09, 2009, 11:10:58 PM
Watch it until the end  ;D
http://www.freakybestmanspeech.com/
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: eriemermaid on February 10, 2009, 06:30:04 AM
Watch it until the end  ;D
[url]http://www.freakybestmanspeech.com/[/url]


Frenchfry, I tried to watch this and a bunch of ? different ? things kept popping up - a gambling site, microsoft proffesional tried to download, and something else.   :(  :-\  :-[
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on February 10, 2009, 08:56:53 AM
Frenchfry, I tried to watch this and a bunch of ? different ? things kept popping up - a gambling site, microsoft proffesional tried to download, and something else.   :(  :-\  :-[

I use FireFox so maybe that's why I don't see any of those things.

One does have to click the play button on the video though.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on February 11, 2009, 01:08:09 AM
 A man seeking to join a Police Department is being  interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
 
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude,"  says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kazimer on February 19, 2009, 06:06:00 PM
(http://a4.vox.com/6a00c2252704628e1d00cd9728ecd44cd5-200pi)
WESTLEY: "Knock. Knock."



(http://www.drbuzz.org/vizzini.jpg)
VIZZINI: "Who's there?"



(http://a4.vox.com/6a00c2252704628e1d00cd9728ecd44cd5-200pi)
WESTLEY: "Able."



(http://www.drbuzz.org/vizzini.jpg)
VIZZINI: "Able who?"



(http://a4.vox.com/6a00c2252704628e1d00cd9728ecd44cd5-200pi)
WESTLEY: "Able to see you. Ha, ha!"



(http://fantasy411.mlblogs.com/princess_bride-vizzini-3.jpg)
VIZZINI : "Ah. You got me.  Good one!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: the nosh on February 24, 2009, 04:57:27 PM
C, E-flat and G go into a bar.


C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development. " Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.




an E-flat is not a minor...unless of course it was an E-flat minor!  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Chips on February 26, 2009, 02:54:02 PM

            A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

            Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
            their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

            Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

            The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

            The wido w's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

            To: My Loving Wife
            Subject: I've Arrived
            Date: October 16, 2007

            I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

            I've just arrived and have been checked in.
            I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

            Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

            PS... Sure is freaking hot down here!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on February 26, 2009, 11:50:52 PM
For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.
   
Last week, we took some friends out to Pierre's restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.  When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...
   
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
   
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'
   
'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.  After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.  If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
   
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.
   
I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'
   
I was impressed.
   
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same sort of string hanging from their flies.
   
So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
   
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.. That consulting firm also mentioned they had found out that we can save time in the restroom.  By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.'
   
I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
   
'Well,' he whispered , 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.' 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kazimer on March 04, 2009, 08:59:32 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto woke the Lone Ranger and said, "Kemo Sabe, look at sky. What you see?"

The Lone Ranger replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger pondered for a minute and then said, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo patties. It mean someone stole tent!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MonroeAutoSales on March 26, 2009, 10:49:24 PM
Did you hear the head gardener of the white house got fired yesterday?










Yep, he was walking around the whitehouse asking everybody if they had seen the spade or the hoe.


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on March 29, 2009, 09:38:02 PM
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
*
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a
glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more
drop of juice out would win the money.
*
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but
nobody could do it.
*
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses
and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try
the bet"
*
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to
the little man.
*
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
*
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little
man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter,
or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on April 14, 2009, 10:40:24 AM
The Tea Party

When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on April 17, 2009, 09:04:09 PM
Sense of Freshness...
 
A new supermarket opened in Topeka , KS .  It has  an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.  When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.  In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.  When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.  The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: eriemermaid on April 18, 2009, 09:13:01 AM
LOL  I laughed so loud my husband came in here to see what was up!!  LOL  Thanks ff
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on April 18, 2009, 12:07:55 PM
LIFE AFTER DEATH
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

PALM SUNDAY
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR.. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE !! "

SUPPORT A FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

FIRST TIME USHERS
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."

PRAYERS :
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE MOOD RING
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.

THE WATER PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"

STUPID
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie ?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

COLD CREAM
Little Timmy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Timmy. "Giving up?"

GRANDMA'S AGE
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mayonnaise on April 21, 2009, 06:20:56 PM
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
 
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of green leaf lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
 
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
 
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'
 
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
drunk's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on
the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could
have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better
of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on
earth did you know that?'
 
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on April 29, 2009, 09:58:48 PM
Rednecks are the best inventors

(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_aodDDgVNgdI/SWZ1honUvkI/AAAAAAAADCs/ed-f6hDf73I/s400/Image.jpg)

(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_aodDDgVNgdI/SWZ1D30U5sI/AAAAAAAADCc/WponbvSrQQg/s400/file001.jpg)

(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_aodDDgVNgdI/SWZ04oJ3ykI/AAAAAAAADCU/mD63-6gGxek/s400/file002.jpg)

(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_aodDDgVNgdI/SWZ0jbCkR-I/AAAAAAAADCM/YXKIYKFiLMs/s400/file003.jpg)

(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_aodDDgVNgdI/SWZ0WTQUtSI/AAAAAAAADCE/ZqXi_eUhOMA/s400/file004.jpg)

(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_aodDDgVNgdI/SWZ0EjYuMdI/AAAAAAAADB8/ddR2bNVGpRM/s400/file005.jpg)

(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_aodDDgVNgdI/SWZz0BfumoI/AAAAAAAADB0/vivfO6P_dI4/s400/file006.jpg)

(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_aodDDgVNgdI/SWZzi5yztAI/AAAAAAAADBs/Jwvqqx2Akpw/s400/file007.jpg)

(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_aodDDgVNgdI/SWZy_sNMI8I/AAAAAAAADBc/2c951Cd700U/s400/file009.jpg)

(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_aodDDgVNgdI/SWZyc5uaokI/AAAAAAAADBM/rNnBk3JpjGk/s400/file010.jpg)

(http://l.yimg.com/g/images/spaceball.gif)

(http://www.lilligren.com/Redneck/images/redneck_ladder_holder.jpg)

(http://www.lilligren.com/Redneck/images/redneck_pool_safety_hazard.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Collegekid on April 30, 2009, 10:44:51 AM
Potty Mouth Sissys taylor made (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYa0OmHjZPE#lq-lq2-hq)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Frenchfry on May 03, 2009, 06:31:59 PM
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

(Or the uncertainty of the English language)


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

 

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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'


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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'


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