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[Frenchfry]

A SMALL BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUS. "SEND ME A BROTHER."
SANTA WROTE BACK. "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."

[Frenchfry]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
 
"We're sorry, Mr.Brown, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
 
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Mr. Brown shouted.
 
The troopers looked at each other.
 
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.

Which do you want to hear first?"
 
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Brown said, "Give me the bad news first."
 
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
 
"Oh, my God!" exclaimed Mr. Brown. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
 
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 15 twenty-five-pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
 
Stunned, Mr. Brown demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
 
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.

[Frenchfry]

(This is just a joke)

Question -
When you apply for Welfare in Mexico what does that Government give you?

 

Answer -
A map of the United States

[Frenchfry]

You Know You Overdid Thanksgiving When....

* Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy
* The "Gravy Boat" was a real boat!
* You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail
* Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog
* Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy
* That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn
* Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice
* You consider gluttony your patriotic duty
* Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard

[BigRedDog]

Toilet Cleaning Instructions :

1. Put the lid and seat of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that
come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and
rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and
run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,
The Dog

[Frenchfry]

Dick Cheney hosted Thanksgiving dinner in Maryland for his family and a few key staffers.
They followed a time-honored ritual.
Before they begin to eat, they join hands, close their eyes, bow their heads and get their stories straight.

Is it just me or are the Democratic presidential candidates better looking than the Republicans?
Or maybe the Republicans are just older and whiter?
Hey, I'm a comedy journalist.
I always try to ask goofy, probing questions.

According to a private research group, the most dangerous city in America is Detroit. Well sure, if you're going to count murders

New York City is on track to have fewer than 500 murders this year, which would be a 40 year low. Apparently the dollar has gotten so weak, crooks aren't bothering to kill anyone for their cash.


Goofy Animal Laws, Part 1

    - It was once against the law to have a pet dog in a city in Iceland.

    - There is a law in Oak Park, IL that prohibits roosters from crowing before 6 a.m.

    - In Louisiana, it is also illegal to wear an alligator costume.

    - In Alaska, strong penalties exist for allowing huskies inside school
buildings.

    - Pets are prohibited from "snarling" or "growling" at police, mail,
or pizza delivery persons. At Anglo-American common law, the offending pet would be dressed up like a human and publicly executed.

    - Dogs are prohibited from flying a kite on most public beaches.

    - Mississippi has laws against "rowdy cats" who freely roam the city
limits. If the owner can be located, he or she may be placed in jail
along with his or her cat.

    - National Park Service laws do not allow anyone to kill a bear with
their bare hands just to impress a girl.

    - In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on
the city's airport property.

    - In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

    - A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

    - It is against the law in most places to give fast-food French fries
to park animals.

    - You can't kill a squirrel with a gun in a courtroom in Canton,
Mississippi.

    - In Atlanta it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
or a street lamp.

[Frenchfry]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and
slowly the other driver gets out of the car...
and you know how you just get so stressed
and everything seems to get funny?

Well, I could NOT believe it... he was a DWARF!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, which one are you then?"

That's when the fight started

[Frenchfry]

BLONDE LOGIC
Two  Blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can
you see Florida ??"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question
was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,
"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[Chips]

Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good lookin'!  How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: "Listen up, buddy?  I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean...it just doesn't matter to me?  I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-*** love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding? 
I'm a lawyer too!  What firm are you with"? 

[Frenchfry]

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually
find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

[Frenchfry]

An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
 
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously.  Care deeply.  Speak kindly

[MonroeMom]

 

[Frenchfry]

Parental Excuses

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling):

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

[Frenchfry]

(Perhaps not politically correct but it’s only a forwarded joke)

JOSE and CARLOS are panhandlers......

They panhandle on different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day ?"

Jose says,...."Look at your sign, what does it say"?

Carlos sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'."

Jose says "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says......"So what does your sign say'

Jose shows Carlos his sign...It read, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico".

[Frenchfry]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, Mikey was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret named "DaVinci's Decadent Dance Den" and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Mikey aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Republican Party, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."