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Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #45 on: August 09, 2007, 01:06:36 PM »

A man at a farm picks up a sheep and carries it inside to his kitchen, where his wife happens to be doing the dishes.

He looks at his wife and says "This is the pig I sleep with when you aren't around."

His wife says "That's not a pig, that's a sheep you idiot."

The farmer says to his wife "I wasn't talking to you!"
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This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

livewire

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #46 on: August 09, 2007, 04:43:29 PM »

Now THAT one was FUNNY!!!!

Thanks, Frenchfry! :D :D :D :D :D
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TheShepherd

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #47 on: August 09, 2007, 04:49:09 PM »

There's nothing better than a good sheep joke. Mine just need a different forum to be told.
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livewire

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #48 on: August 10, 2007, 08:10:18 AM »

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.

       + Broiled Missionary: $10.00
       + Fried Explorer: $15.00
       + Grilled Republican: $100.00
       + Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politicians?'"
 
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning."
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The Spirit of the Woods is like an old good friend.
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sue lee

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #49 on: August 10, 2007, 11:16:28 AM »

President Clinton decided to buy a puppy as a present for Hillary. He snuck the puppy under his coat into the White House and as he was walking down one of the halls he comes upon Al Gore. Clinton could not hold back his joy and shared his surprise with the Vice President.
"Look what I got for Hillary!" exclaims Clinton, holding up the puppy.
Al Gore stares for a moment, then his eyes brighten up as he says, "Nice trade, sir!"
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livewire

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #50 on: August 12, 2007, 01:50:52 PM »

Blonde and Redhead
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.

The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."

The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied,... "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again !"
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The Spirit of the Woods is like an old good friend.
Makes me feel warm and good inside.

Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #51 on: August 12, 2007, 06:47:40 PM »

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for  dinner.  I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you  this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping in stead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend  all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Semper Fi

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #52 on: August 12, 2007, 06:57:38 PM »

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for  dinner.  I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you  this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping in stead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend  all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

Funny!
Was that one for MomEm?  ;D
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Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #53 on: August 12, 2007, 10:29:37 PM »

I’d prefer a truce so I’m extending the olive branch, just please don't whack me with it.

Just to let everyone know, I will only let the images stay for a short time before I remove them because I’m sure it’s way too slow for the folks that use dial up.

Wise Old Indian:
A few years ago someone browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader's Digest (dated Feb. 1962) came across this reprint from the Washington News and found it quite interesting in light of our current debates. The quote reads: Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from a Native American Indian Chief on a reservation "Be careful with your immigration laws. We were careless with ours. "
Native American Observation:
Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial Pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent by the President to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."  Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.
« Last Edit: August 14, 2007, 12:41:40 AM by frenchfry »
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

sue lee

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #54 on: August 13, 2007, 12:38:52 AM »

 A tour bus driver drives a bus full of seniors down a highway,  a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
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The best mannered people make the most absurd lovers.

Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #55 on: August 15, 2007, 11:13:03 AM »

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy," and that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."
 
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
 
"Who said my Dad's dead?"
 
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

 He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."
 
Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"
 
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
 
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
 
"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. the doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
 
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
 
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
 
"Who said he wanted to?"
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Mayonnaise

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #56 on: August 16, 2007, 09:24:33 PM »

Sad but true ……….
It was fun being a baby boomer … Until now. Some of the artists of the “60’s” are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:
1. Herman’s Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker.
2. The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a broken Hip.
3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash.
4. Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
5. Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
6. Johnny Nash -- I Can’t See Clearly Now.
7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
8. The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
9. Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
10. Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
11. Leo Sayer -- You make Me Feel Like Napping.
12. The Temptations -- papa’s Got a Kidney Stone.
13. Abba -- Denture Queen.
14. Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
15. Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
16. Leslie Gore -- It’s My Procedure. And I’ll Cry If I Want To.
17. Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again.
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Monroe County Michigan Lost & Forgotten History
http://monroelosthistory.wordpress.com/

Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #57 on: August 18, 2007, 04:21:38 PM »

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)




The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."




(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!


Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #58 on: August 24, 2007, 08:36:54 AM »

Walking through the woods a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquires, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree.'

'You got to be kidding me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

'Well, OK...'

So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, and car keys, and then strips him bare *** naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy hand cuffed to the tree, stark naked and asked, 'What in the world happened to you?'

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there, but while he was doing so the guy shakes his head in sympathy walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says. "This just ain't your day."
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Frenchfry

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #59 on: August 27, 2007, 01:18:45 AM »

2007 Bumper Stickers


1. Bush: End of an Error

2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First

4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

5. Bush. Like a Rock - Only Dumber.

6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore

11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

13. Jail to the Chief

14. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

15. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap

16. Bad President! No Banana.

17. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

18. We're making Enemies Faster than We Can Kill Them

19. Is It Vietnam Yet?

20. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

21. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We in This Hand basket?

22. You elected him. You Deserve Him.

23. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

24. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

25. One Nation under Clod

26. At Least Nixon had the decency to Resign

   
Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com
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