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[Frenchfry]

WORLD  WAR III IS  COMING

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a  local bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush sitting at  the end of the bar?"

The  bartender  says, "Yep, that's him."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?"

Bush  says, " I'm planning WW III."

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one big chested blonde"

The guy exclaimed, "A big chested blonde?"

Why  kill a big chested blonde?"

Bush turns to the bartender and says, "See,  I told you, no one cares about the 140 million Muslims"

[Frenchfry]

According to Forbes magazine, the richest woman in China is a 26-year-old woman. Know what she does? She sells lead paint.  (Jay Leno)



Dear Tide :

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write to the Hefty bag people.

[Lady Arbella]

They listed that poor girl as "Slutatorian"!! That is horrible..............LMAO 

[MonroeMom]

They listed that poor girl as "Slutatorian"!! That is horrible..............LMAO 

Was that not totally hilarious?!!! LMAO, too!!!

(y'know, for being so serious, ff really has a good sense of humor!!)

[cc]

Was that not totally hilarious?!!! LMAO, too!!!

(y'know, for being so serious, ff really has a good sense of humor!!)

yes ff has some good ones.  I've been known to cut and paste a few here and there to forward on to friends.

[livewire]

As Ben Franklin said:  In wine there is wisdom.  In beer there is freedom.  In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year, we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) the bacteria found in feces.  In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop
Booze = Health

In conclusion, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:  I'm sending it along as a public service.   

[livewire]

A Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.  "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she said.
 
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident and why she thought the cat stuttered.
 
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
 
That must have been scary!" said the teacher. 
 
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "F**k", the rottweiler ate him!"

[livewire]

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones
because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they sometimes take the apples from
the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong
with them, when in reality, they're amazing.

They just have to wait for the right person
to come along, the one who is brave enough
to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it's up to women
to stomp the crap out of them
until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

Yeah, I know it's sappy.  I woman sent it to me.   *

[Lady Arbella]

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Lucky for my husband, he is tall................LOL

[Frenchfry]

TWO OLD MEN, BILLY AND HOWARD, DECIDE THAT THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST
DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL..

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK; I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD, AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME, HOWARD SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS BILLY, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

BILLY SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE -- I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

BILLY SAID,'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE -- THEN S HE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW.

[livewire]

LMFAO!!!!

Good one, ff!

[Chips]

A women was mowing her grass when she accidentally ran over her cat, cutting off its tail.
She immediately took the cat and it's tail to Walmart.

Why did she take it to Walmart?

Get ready.......

Because Walmart is the worlds biggest re-tailer.

[ACP Mom]

Why did Mickey divorce Minney?



She was f***king Goofy....

[Frenchfry]

 My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
 
 My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.

She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
   
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
   
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
   
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
   
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
   
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.






"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[TPoKE]

Barbershop

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long
before
I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
"About
2 hours."
The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and
asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
"How
long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a
half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has
to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing
hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he
leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your
house!"