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[BigRedDog]

Police Quotes
 
 
 
  #16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."
 
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
 
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document"
 
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
 
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
 
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess t hat means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?
 
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
 
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
 
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?
 
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
 
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
 
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
 
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
 
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
 
#2 "I'm glad to hear that the Sheriff is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
 
AND THE WINNER IS....
 
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here

[Frenchfry]

The White House announced that French President Nicolas Sarkozy will be President Bush's guest next month.
This is ominous news for Iran.
There's enough testosterone in Washington D.C. as it is without adding a divorced Frenchman to the mix.

President Bush has imposed new sanctions against the country of Myanmar, which he calls Burma. 
Mr. Bush said its part of his new diplomatic strategy to punish countries with hard-to-pronounce names.

Madonna signed a new 10 year record deal. 
She gets a zillion dollars -- complete creative control -- and the best phony
British accent instructor money can buy.   

[chuntley]

A boy broom and a girl broom were in a closet.

They grew up and fell in Love

They decided to get married

The Bride Broom Look beautiful in her Wedding dress

The Groom Brrom also looked great in his Tux's

At the reception the Bride Brrom leaned over and whispered in the Groom Broom's Ear

She told him, They were going To have a Little Whisk Broom





He Got Pissed, and yelled






We haven't even swept together yet


The Bride Broom was Sweeping around on the Groom Broom

[Frenchfry]

 A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play so he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, “My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: “What does a priest know about sex?" so he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply; Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority........ A man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge…..In other words, he goes to a Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states; “My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks; "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.

[cc]

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play so he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, “My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: “What does a priest know about sex?" so he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply; Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority........ A man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge…..In other words, he goes to a Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states; “My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks; "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.

ff where do you geththis stuff?  I bet you get interesting emails huh?

[Frenchfry]

Yep, my bro forwards stuff to me and I share.

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

[Frenchfry]

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00.

[MonroeMom]

Ahhh, thanks, ff!! I needed that chuckle!! 

[Frenchfry]

Two vampire bats wake up thirsty in the middle of the night. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait for the other bats."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them?" He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat asks excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.
 
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

[livewire]

Two woodpeckers, one from Hawaii and one from California, were arguing about
which place had the toughest trees to peck.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in
the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a
tree in California that was absolutely "im-peckable" (a term woodpeckers like
to use).

The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the
challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully
pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused.

How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and
the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree, but neither one
was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your
pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

[cc]

Two woodpeckers, one from Hawaii and one from California, were arguing about
which place had the toughest trees to peck.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in
the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a
tree in California that was absolutely "im-peckable" (a term woodpeckers like
to use).

The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the
challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully
pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused.

How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and
the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree, but neither one
was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your
pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

Thats too funny 'wire!  I never saw that coming as the punch line....

[mousemeat]

Was watching CSI today and they had someone say an old poem . I added a couple of lines.

I shot an arrow into the air
It fell to the earth I know not where.
The other day it hit the ground
and I bought a dead dog at a dollar a pound.

[Frenchfry]

FIDELITY :
   

  An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary.
We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth.
Have You ever been unfaithful to me?"
   She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney , three times."
   "Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asked.
   Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?"
   "Yes, dear, those were really difficul t tim es," replied Sidney
   "And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?"
   "Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time?"
   "Well," Marsha continued, "Do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"
   "Yes, of course," said Sidney.
   "Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?"
   "Yes, I remember," said Sidney. "And as much as that shocks me, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you.
   "So, what was the third time?"
   "Do you remember when you ran
for president of your golf club and you needed 62 more votes?"

[Frenchfry]

A man comes home from the bar and finds his wife in bed with a man.
He screams at her, What in the hell do you think you're doing?
His wife hugs her lover real tight and said see, I told you he was a dummy



A guy goes to the bar and sees his ex wife sitting at the bar and goes over to her.
He said, I just wanted to let you know I just had sex with another woman tonight
and I thought of you the whole time while doing it.
The ex said, Couldn't get me off your mind, huh?
He replied, It wasn't that.  It helped me last longer.


 
Every time Bob's neighbor came over, it was to borrow something that he wouldn't return on time, and which would usually require much effort on Bob's part to get back.

Bob hated saying no, but as he watched his neighbor approach one Saturday morning, he promised himself that this time he would not give in so easily.

The neighbor walked up to Bob's house. "Hello," he said. "I wonder if you'd be using your power saw this morning?"

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," Bob said, "but I'll be using it off and on all day."

The neighbor then asked, "Well then can I borrow your lawn mower?"

"Sorry, the grass needs to be cut today too," Bob answered.

"What about your hedge clippers?" the neighbor asked.

"I have plans for those as well," Bob answered. "As you can see," he continued, "I have a list of chores a mile long and I'll need all my tools for the entire day."

"Great!" said the neighbor. "I was coming over to borrow your golf clubs. You won't be needing them today, right?"




A minister was preparing a sermon on sex.  His wife said, "Dear, I'm not sure you should discuss that subject.  Speak about something else.  Sex is so private."
 "You're probably right, dear.  I think I'll talk about sailing."
 That night the minister's wife became ill.  She was still in bed that Sunday morning.  Her absence freed him to discuss sex.
 After church was out, two of the women of the congregation visited the wife. They talked about the minister's sermon.  He had spoken with such gusto and vigor.

 The minister's wife said, "How could he sound so smart?  He only did it twice....once in the harbor and once just past the breakwater.  And both times he threw up!"

[livewire]

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party.
 
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
 
A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:
 

Dear Sir,
 
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
 
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
 


The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
 
A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
 


Dear Sir,
 
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
 
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
 


Now  the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.
 
The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
 


Dear Sir,
 
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.  Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a caramel apple.
 
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.