MonroeTalks.com > Categories > Miscellaneous > Jokes


Pages: 1 ... 104 105 [106] 107   Go Down

Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 143652 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Frenchfry

  • Hero Talker
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 39903
Re: Jokes
« Reply #1575 on: March 08, 2016, 02:31:12 AM »

Logged
This is what I see when I visit:

"Sorry Frenchfry, you are banned from posting and sending personal messages on this forum.
This ban is not set to expire."

No emails, no warnings, no communication whatsoever...just that ban

May be what happened to the other libs as well.

I guess disabling the report to admin link only on the lib side was indicative of the slanted games they play.

Enjoy your spoon-fed Faux News type right-wing echo-chamber.

Edited to add:

This is the only way to answer some of the questions posed:

1) I did nothing to warrant the banishment, it's political.

2) It's the router that's blocked but considering all the nonsense right-wing games being played by those running the site...it's just not worth it to bypass the banishment block.

3) The moron stalkers from MT contemplating a visit will be considered a threat and can expect to have a bad day if they act upon those idiotic thoughts.

bumfunkegypt@live.com

Tiny

  • Hero Talker
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 5949
  • Aw...Nuts
Re: Jokes
« Reply #1576 on: March 08, 2016, 10:18:31 PM »

.
Logged
Women should be obscene and not heard.

Ham Radio...the original social network.

Tiny

  • Hero Talker
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 5949
  • Aw...Nuts
Re: Jokes
« Reply #1577 on: March 17, 2016, 10:41:23 PM »

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d*ck."
Logged
Women should be obscene and not heard.

Ham Radio...the original social network.

arpydave

  • Hero Talker
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1538
Re: Jokes
« Reply #1578 on: March 18, 2016, 12:09:23 AM »

LMFAO Tiny, and THAT's a forward, esp. at this time of year!
Logged
I'm a sheepdog. I may not agree with you but I will not tolerate sheeple.

Those that forget history are doomed to repeat it.

People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf. George Orwell

arpydave

  • Hero Talker
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1538
Re: Jokes
« Reply #1579 on: March 18, 2016, 12:22:17 AM »



LOL Fry! Except it kinda happened to me.  :-[

Basking and relaxing in the afterglow of a good session, I had that question posed to me. Since most of my blood flow was still in my little head instead of my real head I replied similarly.

I didn't "get any" for a few weeks after.  :'(

At least neither one of them was her sister, hey?!   :P
Logged
I'm a sheepdog. I may not agree with you but I will not tolerate sheeple.

Those that forget history are doomed to repeat it.

People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf. George Orwell

arpydave

  • Hero Talker
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1538
Re: Jokes
« Reply #1580 on: March 18, 2016, 01:38:54 AM »

Never underestimate an old lady...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Logged
I'm a sheepdog. I may not agree with you but I will not tolerate sheeple.

Those that forget history are doomed to repeat it.

People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf. George Orwell

Professor H

  • Hero Talker
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 22055
Re: Jokes
« Reply #1581 on: March 29, 2016, 11:55:58 PM »

At breakfast, the husband asked his wife,

"What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied, "I'd take half and leave you."

"Great," he said. "Here's $6.  I won $12 yesterday.    Stay in touch."
Logged
First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl.
Marion Berry

But we have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy.
Nancy Pelosi

Professor H

  • Hero Talker
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 22055
Re: Jokes
« Reply #1582 on: September 11, 2016, 08:05:25 PM »

Logged
First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl.
Marion Berry

But we have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy.
Nancy Pelosi

eriemermaid

  • Hero Talker
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 16594
  • 1972 - 1975
Re: Jokes
« Reply #1583 on: October 08, 2016, 07:34:44 PM »

LOL
Logged

CatLady

  • Hero Talker
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 9115
Re: Jokes
« Reply #1584 on: October 20, 2016, 07:52:00 AM »

What do you call a person who is happy on Monday?  Retired.   ;D
Logged
I'm trying to like people but it's hard to get past the STUPID ones!

 “I've never had a humble opinion in my life. If you're going to have one, why bother to be humble about it?”
Joan Baez

Life's tough......It's even tougher if you're stupid.

FritzTheKat

  • Hero Talker
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 10831
Re: Jokes
« Reply #1585 on: October 20, 2016, 04:03:39 PM »

What do you call a person who is happy on Monday?  Retired.   ;D

That would be me... ;) :) ;D
Logged
I could be Schrodinger's Kat!

CatLady

  • Hero Talker
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 9115
Re: Jokes
« Reply #1586 on: October 20, 2016, 09:18:09 PM »

Me, too...but I usually don't know what day of the week it is unless it's "put out the garbage" day and fat morning papers mean it's Sunday.
Logged
I'm trying to like people but it's hard to get past the STUPID ones!

 “I've never had a humble opinion in my life. If you're going to have one, why bother to be humble about it?”
Joan Baez

Life's tough......It's even tougher if you're stupid.

Professor H

  • Hero Talker
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 22055
Re: Jokes
« Reply #1587 on: December 14, 2016, 12:47:47 PM »

I  was at the pub the other night and overheard three very hefty women  talking at the bar.
       
    Their  accent appeared to be Gaelic, so I approached and  asked,
   
    "Hello,  are you three lassies from Ireland?"
   
     One  of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales,  Wales you bloody  idiot!"
     
    So  I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry.  Are you three whales  from Ireland?"
   
    And  that's the last thing I remember! 
Logged
First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl.
Marion Berry

But we have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy.
Nancy Pelosi

Professor H

  • Hero Talker
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 22055
Re: Jokes
« Reply #1588 on: December 20, 2016, 10:14:53 AM »

Borrowed from a Red-head... posting about Blondes! 


Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo …. just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Logged
First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl.
Marion Berry

But we have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy.
Nancy Pelosi

Professor H

  • Hero Talker
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 22055
Re: Jokes
« Reply #1589 on: March 22, 2017, 12:58:37 PM »

For years you probably have wondered who first uttered the phrase
 
"You Gotta Be Shittin Me" .
 
Am I right?
 
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.   
 
 
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.  It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.   
 
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.  He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.   
 
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.   
 
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.   Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.   
 
 
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.  He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.   
 
 
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
 
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.   
 
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.   
 
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
 
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
 
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.   
 
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men.  We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'   
 
 
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.  How many men do you have?'   
 
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'   
 
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.' 
Logged
First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl.
Marion Berry

But we have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy.
Nancy Pelosi
Pages: 1 ... 104 105 [106] 107   Go Up