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Explaining Christianity
« on: November 10, 2007, 12:56:44 PM »

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.

The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's *** with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ***?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ***, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the **** out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ***."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ***?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's *** with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's *** often?"
Mary: "Oh, yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well, no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the **** out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ***, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's *** for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
 
Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."
 
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
 
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's *** he'll kick the **** of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ***?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ***. Other times we kiss Karl's ***, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"
 
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ***. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ***, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on From the desk of Karl letterhead.
There were eleven items listed:
1.   Kiss Hank's *** and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2.   Use alcohol in moderation.
3.   Kick the **** out of people who aren't like you.
4.   Eat right.
5.   Hank dictated this list himself.
6.   The moon is made of green cheese.
7.   Everything Hank says is right.
8.   Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9.   Don't drink.
10.   Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11.   Kiss Hank's *** or he'll kick the **** out of you.

Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the **** out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says, 'Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says, 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says, 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says, 'Eat right,' and item 8 says, 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says, 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says, 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock...."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying, 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But.... oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary blushes.

John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
 
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary looks positively stricken.

John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
 
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that...."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary faints.

John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the **** out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's *** for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.


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Fred Munny

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Re: Explaining Christianity
« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2007, 01:58:27 PM »

Absolutely fantastic. Bravo!
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Ördög

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Re: Explaining Christianity
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2007, 12:39:41 PM »

That was GREAT! Funniest thing I've read all week. Thanks for sharing.
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As a species we're fundamentally insane. Put more than two of us in a room, we pick sides and start dreaming up ways to kill one another. Why do you think we invented politics and religion?

zard0z

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Re: Explaining Christianity
« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2007, 01:18:34 PM »

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Watcher

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Re: Explaining Christianity
« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2007, 07:01:16 PM »

It is not only funny but true.  Those who will read it for its truth will understand.  Those who don't see it for what it will dismiss it. So be it!
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Ördög

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Re: Explaining Christianity
« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2007, 08:00:29 PM »

Of course it's true, that's why I liked it so much. Where did you find it?
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As a species we're fundamentally insane. Put more than two of us in a room, we pick sides and start dreaming up ways to kill one another. Why do you think we invented politics and religion?

Greg Chamberlain

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Re: Explaining Christianity
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2007, 09:01:11 PM »

If I were you then I would live my life the way I want to live it, eating my wieners with sauerkraut and mustard and then right before the end kiss Hank's *** and get my benjamins.
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"To preserve the freedom of the human mind then and freedom of the press, every spirit should be ready to devote itself to martyrdom; for as long as we may think as we will, and speak as we think, the condition of man will proceed in improvement." - Thomas Jefferson

shawnawrites

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Re: Explaining Christianity
« Reply #7 on: November 12, 2007, 05:20:31 PM »

I loved this soooooooooo MUCH!!! I'm putting in my blog on myspace... lol LOVING IT!


Oh and a little bit of brown sugar in your kraut is wonderful too... that like I meant skin color... sheesh I  meant literally when we eat kraut we use brown sugar. .... save me from my downward spiral debauchery!
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sue lee

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Re: Explaining Christianity
« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2007, 02:58:04 PM »

How perfect!
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The best mannered people make the most absurd lovers.
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